You’re not the ugliest.

[Looloolo]

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for about a year.

Tonight I was going to show him a photo of my ex and he said that he hopes he isn’t better looking than him. I said no, quite the opposite.

I said well I feel the same about his exes too and he replied that I’m not the ugliest.

I said that’s not nice to know, that I’m not the ugliest when he could have said I’m the prettiest. It makes me sound like I’m near the bottom.

He said I was being unfair but didn’t correct his statement. Then he carried on like normal.

Honestly, I’m devastated. Properly and utterly crushed. I feel disgusting. I feel like every time he complimented me he was being insincere.

I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life, like I’m good for everything except looking at.

I’m not unrealistic btw. I know I’m far from the most beautiful girl in the world, but I was starting to feel confident in his company and now I feel like it’s gone.

I don’t even know how to fix it because if I told him how I felt all he could do was try saying I was the prettiest girl he’d been with but it’d sound like lies.

Don't ask questions you might not like the answer to!
They're exes for a reason. There's more to attraction than objective beauty.

Absolutely, I dn’t doubt that.

This kind of compassion and ex chat never ends well, as you’ve proven. I mean he’s with you, because I assume he’s attracted to you and vice versa and you like each other etc so he’s either been flippant or he meant it but being all ‘hurt’ when your showing him pics of your ex (why????) is just ridiculous I mean how old are you both

OP, I totally get you, and I'm surprised you're getting such a pasting.

I also assume that you didn't sit him down and say "Tonight, I want to show you a photo of my ex!", but that it came about naturally, e.g. you were looking at photos of a past event together and you gave him the heads-up that your ex was in them.

How absolutely crushing to be told "you're not the ugliest", as if to say you are ugly but not quite the worst. I would be feeling just like you do. I don't know what to say other than see if you can talk to him about how that made you feel. It's a horrible thing for a man to say to the woman he's supposed to love.

No it's not.

1. It's rude to fish for compliments. I'm not your emotional support human to fluff your ego for you.
2. It's immoral to coerce someone into lying.
3. If you can't trust me to tell you the truth about your dress, you can't trust me to tell you the truth when you suspect that your husband is cheating and so you ask me whether he really did go away on a golf trip with my boyfriend.

Do you like my dress is fine as a question as long as you’re ok with a no answer. If you’re crap at knowing what suits you and are genuinely seeking advice from a friend whose fashion sense you appreciate, the answer can be helpful.

Absolutely this. Take me shopping with you (with lots of sensory breaks and not on a Saturday) or invite me around for your trying-on session when your online order is delivered, but don't ask me what I think once you've taken the tags off and worn it out of the house.

Do you like my dress carries a completely different weight to 'and me? Am I as attractive as your ex?' (remember this was a reciprocal question. Not wise all round but he'd asked the same. It didn't call for a shitty response).

The only time I'd feel compelled to be entirely positive if asked about a dress is if on the day of the event if someone needed a confidence boost (assuming not the truth). Otherwise I'd be politely honest.

You both sound immature, and a little pathetic.

I agree. Just stop asking these questions. It'll never end well.

@Looloolo I feel bad for you. I would have hated this. My partner's ex is a lovely looking woman in photos, much slimmer and prettier than me (imo). I would hate to get into a conversation about which of us my current partner thinks is the better looking.

He could have added anything to soften what he said. 'X was very pretty but you're far sexier'; 'X was beautiful but you're funnier and I much prefer your company', etc along these lines.

I think some men are oblivious to how much we women evaluate and (privately) compare and compete with each other. Because women do. Other posters may rush in and deny it and proclaim that we all support each other. This may be true. But the competing is a private internalised thing. Men don't realise the struggle.

I think the second or third reply you had expressed good advice. I can't scroll back now, but it was about approaching the subject again and seeing if he doubles down on his earlier statement. If he does, well... I'd personally find it hard to invest emotionally with a man who made me feel second fiddle to someone else.

Work on your self esteem not being about your looks

Maybe he was on the defence because you decided to show him a photo of your ex. He felt insecure in the moment and said something undermining, probably to feel less vulnerable. It's not an excuse, though. It wasn't a nice thing to say. But nor is it necessary to show him a photo of your ex. What was the reason for that?

I might add, I think what he said was intended to be rude and not him simply being honest. I don't think OP was fishing for a 'you're the prettiest I've been with' comment. But saying 'you're not the ugliest' is a nasty thing to say, such a when something isn't 'the worst thing in the world' but the implication is that is bad. He was implying OP was ugly by his comment, just not the ugliest.

OP, it's not true, and don't allow him to bring you down by his backhanded comment. Like I said, he was probably feeling insecure about the thought of your ex.

Great post by @Garlicnorth.

I was struck by their mention of "other factors like [] sexual compatibility". I'm old, and my past dating life is a dot in the rear view mirror, but one of the things it took me a while to realise is the importance of sexual compatibility.

People can be lovely, intelligent, good looking, etc. but if they're not sexually compatible with you (or you with them) then it's really hard to make a relationship work. Better to be friends. I certainly felt unattractive in one relationship where (objectively) I wasn't. We were just not sexually compatible.