It’s taken me years to admit to myself that I have not been in a good marriage at all. I came from a sheltered, Christian, conservative background and believed no sex before marriage was the most important thing, and I was not allowed to date until I finally left home in my 20s. I share all of this because it has taken me years to grow in understanding of what makes a healthy relationship and what compatibility even means.
I married my husband, and he shoved me once early in the marriage. I didn’t know much about DV back then, but I knew this was bad. I told him I would call police if he ever did that again. He then seemed to never do it again, so I thought it was in the past. He criticised me constantly after we were married. He also met up with another woman regularly and took her on outings after we were married. She acted like she was attracted to him, but he insists that it was not sexual on his side and that they never kissed or had sex. He also betrayed me constantly for many years by putting the demands of his mother and sister ahead of our marriage during times when a marriage or wife would have normally been prioritised. He let them plan his birthday (for example) and told me to follow their lead for multiple years even when I told him I was hurt and didn’t feel this was normal in a marriage. He put his single, childless sister first on Mother’s Day (doing what she wanted on the day) even though I had just given birth to our second child and clearly shared that I did not want to do the thing his sister wanted to do. He lied, manipulate, trampled, ignored.
I forgave, forgave, forgave because I thought that was the role of a Christian wife. I kept trying and kept praying.
finally, he had some scary acts of violence, including throwing a sharp object at me (when neither of us was even upset?!?!?) and other confusing acts such as throwing things at me front behind, and when I confronted him, he would say it was an accident until finally I knew it could not be an accident.
we have children and I have also been worried about the way he has treated them.
I finally called the DV hotline, then my GP, then social services and police. Apparently his level of risk is not high enough for me to be required to leave for protection of my children. But I want to anyway. I am still living at home with him and trying to save up to leave.
finally, when I tried to leave, he began to attend counselling for myself. I have seen some improvements. He is acting calmer. He says he wants to build something new. My pastor’s wife told me “men can change when they are confronted about their violence” and “look how good it is that he hasn’t thrown anything at you, or the thing he did throw (a drawer, a month or so ago) was not at you, what an improvement!”
All of that just makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave. But I am at the place where even if he DOES change, I feel that all of the effort and the long road it will take is asking too much of me. My body feels uncomfortable around him. I can’t let go of the fact that he lied and manipulated. Even if he really is ready to change and build something new, I feel like I DONT want to. And I feel like I should. As though, if I were a good person, I would do the right thing and keep trying in the marriage.
has anyone else been here?? I dread being a single mom and worry that my children will resent me. I am struggling with all the mixed messages.