People in 20s/30s and 'open relationships'?

[aldisud]

Ok, can anyone tell me whether this is something quite common. Am trying to get my head around partner of 30 years who is nearing 70 having started a sexual relationship with a 30 year old woman who has a solid boyfriend she lives with but has sex with others Apart from fact I can't understand why she is attracted to someone so much older (she is obsessed with his artistic outputs), I can't work out whether it is true that you get people are just cool about this now, as my DP wants me to believe. Am I just surrounded by freaks?

I think it's normal for couples to be unfaithful now - wouldn't work for me but each to their own I suppose.

I wouldn't say that such a big age gap was very common though, 70 is quite old.

There's definitely a minority of people in an open relationship. If you've heard of swinging then it's basically that with an added sprinkling of dating and not just sex necessarily. I wouldn't say it's mainstream by any means but it's definitely more openly talked about.

It sounds like you're not happy with the set up. Are you ok? Do you want out?

Does it stop when people marry? I can't square it with all the LTB threads here - are they an older generation? Anyway my personal situation is making me sick. I am 60. Just feels like a cliche of effectively being sidelined for the younger version.

You don't have to tolerate being cheated on OP. I wouldn't .

Your other half sounds quite cruel, like he is telling you to just put up with it. I'm guessing he owns the property you live in 😞

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to divorce him and enjoy your retirement. You'll get out of caring for him as he ages and develops health issues etc. See how long his girlfriend sticks around for when she is expected to do all that. You deserve to be happy and take care of yourself, not resign yourself to years of misery because grandad can't keep it in his pants.

But to answer your question no, people have open marriages too. There are a lot of sex clubs in London etc.

There's a lot of emphasis these days on informed consent and open and honest communication etc. so people might be swinging but frown upon infidelity. Quite a few people feel that monogamy is unnatural for instance, but still want a house with a mortgage and children etc and can separate those two lives.

I think you need to understand that the internet isn't a homogeneous mass - the people saying LTB are not necessarily the ones in an open marriage. Although those in an open marriage may tell you to LTB anyway because he's cheating on you and trying to manipulate and gaslight you into accepting his behaviour when you're clearly unhappy with it.

I am sorry that you're going through this. Please put yourself and your needs and happiness ahead of his.

We joint own, but have DD in first year of A Levels and I don't want to break things up now. I guess just live together without a relationship now, after 30 years It's so weird - why is she obsessed with him? How does her bloke put up with it?

Well, get your ducks in a row at any rate while you wait for your daughter to finish her education.

Is she obsessed with him or is that what he's telling you?

Some men just aren't jealous and others have a fetish, cuckolding etc. I don't think it's helpful to dwell on that though.

Please try to get some sleep.

That doesn’t sound like an open relationship, it’s an affair and he is making out it’s not. Has he got lots of money? I’d be more concerned she after his cash because that’s the only reason a 30 year old woman would be interested in a 70 year man.

I know quite a few people in open or poly relationships, and yes, some are married.
It's not my bag, but I can see how people could opt that way

Unfortunately, this is the new age phenomenon amongst Gen Zers. Open relationships and polygamy have become so normalised and monogamy and loyalty have become something nostalgic belonging only in the pages of history for the new generation, it truly is a rarity, which could explain the ever-declining birth and many other factors contributing to a swift change in society.

You asked why she is into him, I think she probably wants to experiment with every archetype of man seeing as she is in an open relationship and I guess that's the premise that keeps this dynamic alive and exciting for someone with perversed sexual desires. Normal just doesn't cut it for people like that, this desire for more is rooted within trauma, low self-esteem and confidence which is why she seeks the approval of multiple men inorder to feel loved.

I am sorry you are experiencing this sort of betrayal. I would have hoped that your husband wouldn’t fall for this nonsense and he would have been honest with you about her advances and you both could have laughed about it together.

I am sending you strength and comfort OP, you will get through this 💐

It's only an open relationship if both sides of the partnership agree that it's an open relationship.
And if they agree then rules and boundaries have to be put in place on how the open relationship is to work.

If both parties aren't fully on board with having an open relationship but one of them takes on another sexual partner/ s then it is cheating.

If you don't want an open relationship it is particularly odious if he his trying to persuade you it is normal for him to cheat on you in this manner.

I would end your relationship with him.

I'm back dating on the apps after divorce and I have noticed a lot of people in "ENM" relationships, who either date a third person together, or date outside their relationship separately. It wouldn't work for me but this seems to be a thing both for younger people and middle aged people.

I don't think this is as common and normal as your dp is having you believe. It sounds like an affair.

Of course his artistic ego will pretend that this is a very common thing... 🙄🙄
Of course this narrative suits his delusions 🙄🙄🙄
He looks ridiculous. There is no fool like an old fool.

Lots of men on the apps say they are dating as a polyamorous couple or have an ENM relationship when they are plain cheating.

It's not something I'd necessarily rule out myself at this end of life, and reading history shows it's always existed, but yes the public proclaiming of it is pretty new.

I'd say that IF a woman that age is actually having sex with him and is proclaiming herself 'obsessed' (both sound quite unlikely tbh) then she is major trouble. I would get yourself a ring doorbell and review home security.

I think you need to detach emotionally from him at the moment and take a view on the future but don't rush. The chances are that this will blow over but will you be interested after it does?

It’s not an open relationship because that has to be agreed by both partners. He’s cheating on you and the gf is cheating on her boyfriend, likely.

He’s gaslighting you to make you sound you’re the unreasonable one for not accepting this.

Assume you’re not married ?
In which case you can leave with fewer complications. Get the ball rolling while your dd does her A levels then leave him. You have time to do some planning and get your ducks in a row.
You can stop sleeping with him now since he’s shagging around and get an std test.

You definitely shouldn’t feel you have to stay with him long term. Enjoy your retirement without the angst of thinking you are being taken for a fool. The gf will soon get tired of being with an old fool and meantime you will have moved on.

Aim to sell up and get your own place or go travelling. Do things you enjoy and forget about him. He has no respect for you.

There will be some women who are genuinely happy with it; others who aren't but turn a blind eye in favour of keeping the home comforts and maintaining their current life; some who try and force themselves to believe they're happy with it because they think it's what everyone else is doing; amd some who won't even entertain it for a second.

My partner is 61 and he'd be horrified by this. One of the first things he said when we were dating was that infidelity is a deal breaker for him and it is for me too.

The reason you can't square open relationships with the LTB threads on here is because they are different cohorts of people.

And, ues, if its not a mutually agreed open relationship then its just common or garden cheating.

He’s an awful man. He can’t force you into an open relationship. Her motivations are irrelevant - he is openly cheating on you and trying to gaslight you into thinking it’s just the modern way.

I would tell him to leave. You and your DD can stay in the house. If he won’t go, then he’s on the sofa or in the spare room. Tell him your relationship is over, and stop doing anything for him as a partner. He can cook his own dinners, wash his own clothes. You need to take control. He’ll soon realise what a ridiculous man he has been (but it will be too late as you won’t be taking him back).

Yesh he is totally gaslighting her, making it her own issue and the rest of the world is ok with it 'get with the times old woman!'

He has already broken up this relationship by his actions.

I presume you are not married to this man as you have used DP repeatedly.
What is the situation re the finances and property?.

I would not stay just because your daughter is in the first year of two of her A levels. That's no reason for you to stay with this cheat, that is you kicking the can down the road and in turn still cooking and cleaning up after hjim. Your daughter would call you daft for staying with him another two years on her account and you should not be using her studies like this.

Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life.

She sounds fucked up tbh.
and I couldn’t respect a man of nearly 70 who thought it was ok.
did he speak to you before it happened or only after?

Ew it would give me major ick, not to mention that I don’t want to be intimate with someone who is being intimate with someone else, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable!

I'm in my 30's and only know one couple in an open relationship, they're married with a kid and it causes all sorts of dramas, I'm quite used to being called by the wife at 2am because she's upset her husband is out with a woman. It's very odd but I leave them to it.

I don't doubt it can work for some people but it's not for me at all. I've barely got the energy for one fucking relationship never mind adding more.

People in open relationships aren't 'freaks'. Other people's relationships aren't your concern, yours is. It doesn't matter who your partner is cheating with or what their situation is, it's the cheating that is relevant.

He is plain old cheating on you and you don't have to put up with it.

Don't use your daughter as an excuse to stay. If she was in the same situation I am sure you would tell her to get the hell out.