People in 20s/30s and 'open relationships'?

[aldisud]

Ok, can anyone tell me whether this is something quite common. Am trying to get my head around partner of 30 years who is nearing 70 having started a sexual relationship with a 30 year old woman who has a solid boyfriend she lives with but has sex with others Apart from fact I can't understand why she is attracted to someone so much older (she is obsessed with his artistic outputs), I can't work out whether it is true that you get people are just cool about this now, as my DP wants me to believe. Am I just surrounded by freaks?

Never mind wondering why she's doing it, or what her boyfriend thinks about it, what do you think about your DP of 70 having sex with a 30 year old woman?

What they do in their relationship is their business. What you want out of yours is the salient point. You sound like you've been forced into a situation where you've said no to opening up the relationship and DP has done it regardless.

You have a decision to make, he clearly has no regard or care for your feelings, or the relationship, and he's abhorrent for speaking to your DC about his sex life.

Leave him, they won't thank you or admire you for staying.

Probably the fact that she would feel like she was fucking a child

OP did answer with perfectly valid reasons. But apparently these reasons dont apply to her husband of 30 years.
So grim.

I’m 50 and in an ethical non-monogamous relationship with my partner of five years. I don’t think I’m a “freak” but thanks for the label!

I’m sorry to hear what your DH is doing. It’s never ok to open a relationship unless everyone is on board with it. If this woman knows that you are unhappy, she shouldn’t be seeing your DH. End of. And he sounds like a total douche who’s enjoying the attention.

To answer your original question, I do think people in their 20s and 30s are increasingly challenging the societal norm of monogamy. Unlike previous generations, there is no longer the same expectation to find “the one” and settle down forever. People are often financially independent and don’t need to rely on a partner to support them.

What I have found appealing is the freedom to encounter new people and not have any restrictions about how a relationship might develop. They might become a close friend, or we might enjoy a shared hobby, or cuddle on the sofa, or have sex, or declare our undying love for each other, or just be mates. So, I can date anybody I like (as can DP) and be open to all those possibilities. Dating isn’t about whether we’ll be a couple, it’s just about getting to know people with no expectations.

That said, it requires a huge amount of trust and honest communication. If this woman is truly ENM, she’d have asked him about his home situation and whether you had any objections or concerns. What you’ve described is an affair and cheating.

@Lentilweaver totally

Thanks for the insight. Can I ask what bonds you to your DP throughout this?

The fact that we put each other first. If he said no, then I would respect that. And vice versa. It’s not all about having your cake and eating it.

And, bizarrely, having the freedom to date other people means that I don’t always want to. You don’t get that thrill of the forbidden, the chase. It’s just like “Hey, I met this guy at the gym who seems interesting. Mind if I go out to dinner with him next week?”

I think we also recognise that our relationship is multi-faceted. Just because he might fancy another woman and find her attractive, that doesn’t make her “better” than me. I know he loves me for much more than how I look. I’m secure in our relationship. That’s not to say I don’t experience jealousy sometimes but I’m able to deal with it because I realise it’s just a feeling based on fear, it doesn’t mean the voice in my head is true. So we talk about it, if we’re bothered by something or feel that our needs aren’t being met.

Most of my friends struggle to understand. They think it’s about having loads of sex or swinging. They mention loyalty and morality, as if I’m somehow lacking in those attributes. So, I tend not to talk about it much because people judge.

It doesn't matter what 30 year olds are doing these days. You don't want to. He is having sex with a younger woman, it's a classic affair and he's so fucking old to still be doing this shit. However great you think he is, he's not. He's just some guy. Get out before you are his carer. Your daughter will totally sympathise with you and probably already has the vibe and is wishing for you to stand up for yourself. In the time it takes to organise yourself, she'll be at uni.

Time to reclaim the power. You're really not happy, so I would give him an ultimatum- cease and desist or you're out.
If you think this is a complete deal breaker on the marriage (which I think deep down is what you actually want), then initiate the split - be brave.