People in 20s/30s and 'open relationships'?

[aldisud]

Ok, can anyone tell me whether this is something quite common. Am trying to get my head around partner of 30 years who is nearing 70 having started a sexual relationship with a 30 year old woman who has a solid boyfriend she lives with but has sex with others Apart from fact I can't understand why she is attracted to someone so much older (she is obsessed with his artistic outputs), I can't work out whether it is true that you get people are just cool about this now, as my DP wants me to believe. Am I just surrounded by freaks?

At the end of the day OP it is up to other people how they conduct their lives and relationships.

All you have to decide is whether you are happy with the situation you are in.

Now there is a label for it and the social media enable everyone to see what everyone else is doing and thinking.

Maybe in the past these things were hidden because there was were no social media.

Well, he's a prick for cheating on you. But they're not 'freaks' - and it's not as unrelated to 'all the LTB posts' as you might think. Lots of people have recognised traditional monogamy doesn't suit them and are trying different ways of having a relationship. Don't knock what works for them just because your partner's a dickhead.

It really doesn't matter what the woman's relationship is about. Any agreements about openness are between her and her partner(s) and have no bearing on your relationship.

Your partner, however, is just having a plain old fashioned affair. You didn't agree to an open relationship and therefore you're not in one. I think you're more than justified in leaving him: partly for the affair but mainly for the attempts at manipulating and gaslighting. It's hard at the moment but I think you'll be much happier in the long run. Best of luck

I don’t think it’s particularly common, no. That said, based on your logic, why is it so common for 70 year old men in 30 year relationships to have open relationships with women who could be his grandchild?

I know a young 20-something couple in an open relationship. They say they want the stability of a LTR with someone they like and trust but don;t expect that person to fulfil all their needs and also realise that in their twenties they are likely to find other people attractive and want to play the field. Instead of cheating and breaking up, they prefer to be open about it.

I couldn't make it work personally, but allegedly they can and they do seem to have a strong ethical code around it.

No it's not that common. More common in the modern 'queer' community, and degree of it has always been more common in artistic people I feel, but it's still in the minority for sure, and especially with an age gap that large.

Whether it’s common or not is - for me - beside the point.
Some people like free climbing and jumping out of planes. Others like to stay at home and not try anything new that’s not on the TV.
Some are single, some monogamous for life, some are on FEELD and ethical with it, some are on it for grimy reasons they won’t admit to and you’d best beware.
If they aren’t us, we can’t compare the outside of their lives with the inside of ours.
Nor should we.

Well I have no idea about how ENM does or doesn't work, but I do know that an older man vain about his art is very often found having sex with much younger women despite having a wife and kids at home, and considering he is entitled to do so because of his 'talent' or somesuch.It's an absolute cliche. Pathetically predictable. I'm sorry.

If I were you, I would separate. He can't have a wife and family at home, and the excitement and sexual fulfilment he gets from being with a 30yo as well. Your DD will understand. Please don't stay with him for her sake. You deserve happiness and contentment and you won't get this, married to a cheating husband. Leave him, or make him leave. Sell the family home and downsize to something just for you.

Assuming he is her dad, I would also anticipate if/when dd gets to hear about this she might be disgusted. And want you to split anyway, so she doesn't see him.

He is her and DS's dad. DS at uni. I don't really want to drag the two DC into this, but he thinks talking about his sex life is radical, so they'll know. If it were only sex, I'd be disgusted and feel betrayed. That's one thing. But both of them think this is an amazing creative liasion. Life is shit.

Piping up to agree with everyone else here, I'm afraid. Your old man thinks he's Pablo Picasso, and he was a misogynistic arsehole.

A ridiculous narrative around open relationships, artistic sensibilities and related bullshit was popular among the Bloomsbury Set, too. I don't suppose he's decided he's a Communist while retaining irredeemably upper-class tastes? 😂

Anyway, it's 2025 and there's nothing to 'rebel' against any more. He's just being a self-deluded old twit who deserves to be cast upon the turbulent waters of his chosen louche identity. He can't force you into polyamory and has no right to try.

60 is a rather good age for an independent relaunch; the perfect time to shape your later years in your own image, and yours only.

Enjoy the journey

He's using it as an excuse to cheat. Bin him.

You sound desperately unhappy, why are you letting him do this to you?
Please leave him, he's sounds vile.

OP, did you agree on opening the relationship or did this come out of the blue?
If not, could you leave after your daughter’s A Levels?
That’s why I don’t want to get married again. You become so vulnerable on other people’s f@ck ups and mistreatment. And then your lives are so tied up that you cannot leave.

I think you need to find your anger.

you are being cheated on by your partner, but your questions are all about why she’d find him attractive.

how do you feel about this? Are your needs being met in this relationship?

if the only reason you are staying is because your DD is doing A- levels, then I think you need to leave and build a new life for yourself. As pps have mentioned, you’ll avoid having to be his carer in old age. There’s a lot to be positive about.

but to answer your question he’s just being an old creep and the gf likes the idea of being wild and out there by shagging an ancient artist. There’s no way she has feelings for him.

Stop. You dont have to be the cool girl and put up with this crap that you didnt agee to.
He will use you to change his bedpan while he gets sex from her. No way should you endure this.
He's a creep.

To him it seems so easy. If I accept the openness then we can all be happy and get along..... But I can't. I have always expected exclusivity. I did the old multiple partners things in my 20s, met him at 30 and didn't want that complication any more. I just don't know how to think. I am all over the place.

I am in my 50s. DH and I are completely exclusive as are most people I know.
He's done a real number on you that you think this is normal or acceptable.
Find your anger.

why is she obsessed with him? How does her bloke put up with it?

Why do you put up with it?

Its only open if you agreed and had prior knowledge, if you didn’t, it’s just plain old cheating.

its interesting that this woman’s motivations are being scrutinised yet your scummy cheeky fucker of a H, bs is not.

Stay if you want but don’t tie yourself up in knots trying to intellectualise the actions of a sleazy old man trying to getting his end away in plain sight.

Brace yourself, sounds as if she's in love with him - 30yo, easy enough to get pregnant, and your children will definitely be impacted by that sort of thing.

Open marriage my arse. Its cheating. Call it that.
His being a boho artist has nothing to do with anything.

To him it seems so easy. If I accept the openness then we can all be happy and get along.....

If you accept the openness and get your own 30yo partner, the rules will change back again in his favour. Tale as old as time.