People in 20s/30s and 'open relationships'?

[aldisud]

Ok, can anyone tell me whether this is something quite common. Am trying to get my head around partner of 30 years who is nearing 70 having started a sexual relationship with a 30 year old woman who has a solid boyfriend she lives with but has sex with others Apart from fact I can't understand why she is attracted to someone so much older (she is obsessed with his artistic outputs), I can't work out whether it is true that you get people are just cool about this now, as my DP wants me to believe. Am I just surrounded by freaks?

Agree with @Melroses.

Tell your cheating DP that you accept the open relationship and what a fab new way of thinking ! Tell him you’ve decided to keep up with the times and will be getting your own, younger male “companion” for dating and fun.

His cheating on you, btw, is not the fault of the 30 yr old woman. He knows he’s cheating on you. The woman’s “motivations” are irrelevant.

I'm interested in this not blaming OW. She was very well aware of my feelings, as this had been an emotional affair for a while and DP had asked about opening the relationship. How can it not also be on her - who is someone I have known for a while?

Please leave this man. Why are you staying?

It means you're suffering a double betrayal, @aldisud. I've been there, it hurts like hell. Both people have abused your trust and good will. Both deserve your anger. Only one of them had established an exclusive sexual relationship with you, so his betrayal is very much the greater.

It is true that a cheat will cheat, as soon as the opportunity arises. That woman presented an easy opportunity. If not her, there would've been another (and maybe has been).

The sane thing to do is get them both out of your life for good.

If people are happy with this it's because as a couple they have discussed it and decided they want to open the relationships. There would also be clear boundaries around what was ok and what was not. It sounds like your husband has independently decided you're in a polyamorous relationship set up without consulting you. The more straightforward name for this is cheating and then trying to gaslight you into thinking it should be fine.

You don't need to put up with this nonsense.

They can be creative without being emotional and sexual.
She’s playing upon his ego and I spy manipulation and money. He’s a deluded idiot, a perfect example of there’s no fool like an old fool. Why would a female young enough to be his granddaughter want to have sex with him?
Ducks in a row OP. He’s not worthy of you. Sling the goon her way. 👉

This is not an open relationship. This is not a case of you both sitting down, discussing and setting rules and boundaries and then finding other partners. This is a case of him having an affair with someone you know, you findjng our and then him asking your consent to continue with this in plain sight gaslighting you into an “open relationship”. To your question on how a 30 yo is attracted to a 70 yo? She is abnormal and this is an anomaly. She is not in her own right mind, she needs to see a therapist If not a psychiatrist. And you should either dump him or find a young partner.

OP, this isn't polyamory- it's cheating.

You haven't agreed to open the relationship and the OW knows you're not in agreement. If she and her partner and genuinely poly, she would run a mile because it's all about consent. You haven't given yours. It's a straight up affair.

You CAN leave him over this. You should in my view. Your children will no doubt be upset but respect you more - they are not toddlers, they understand boundaries.

"both of them think this is an amazing creative liasion."

And you, OP, are surely at the age where sentiments like this force a giant eye roll. Can you bear to stay with him when he's that childish? I suspect after a period of painful turmoil, decades of happiness and true peace are ahead of you if you stay true to your values and end the relationship

and to the points about being his carer - yes! Get out now before that falls to you despite the thoughtlessness he's shown towards you

You DO know, you've just expressed it perfectly well.

He is trying to gaslight you.

As for blaming her, she may be a moron or a nasty bit of work, but she ain't the one that broke a commitment to you.

Fgs you DO know how to think, your feelings are telling you loud and clear.

be brave x

No one Is saying that this woman is not at fault but you questioning her motivations more than his, given that he’s married to you and she is not, does say a lot. “She knew he was married”, he knows he’s married! Some posters are making out he’s the victim, being preyed upon by some conniving young thing.

Find your self respect and get rid! The novelty will soon wear off for her and the realities of a man old enough to be her grandfather, will kick in soon enough.

I dont know if the novelty will wear off. This has been looming for a couple of years, on and off. Her DP is fine with it. She is all tangled up in my DPs extended artistic network and they seem to think they produce magic together. Also she has a progressive disease and maybe she is looking to be the one cared for!

You havent answered what is preventing you from seeking magic with a 30 yr old of your own. As everyone around you is soo cool with everything.

It seems too distracting. Plus I feel so fucking past it.

That's perfectly fair. I have been married nearly as long as you and have no desire to sleep with a 30-year-old.
But you are being treated very badly here. And you seem to think it will fizzle out if you tolerate it.
I would have lost all respect and love for my DH. I dont believe in open marriages and if you are honest, neither do you and neither do most people. Regardless of what Pablo Picasso is saying.

Each to their own.

Open relationships are more common than they were in the past and I would also say more common in particular areas or artistic communities. However they aren't that common and most people, including those in their 20s and 30s, are still in monogamous relationships and marriages. Some people who are in open relationships feel they can love more than one person. For others it's more casual secondary partners. None of this means you have to accept an open relationship when you clearly don't want one with your partner creepily talking about his sex life to kids that are closer to his girlfriends age. He wants to intellectualise being a cheat with a very delayed midlife crisis. I also think you may be underestimating how affected your children will be by living round a situation that frankly sounds toxic. If daughter is going to uni then you still have years and years where it's not the right time to tell her and where as a woman she is seeing very disturbing models of relationship behaviour. Maybe you could start planning what life would look like if you did separate, take any legal advice needed if you own together and make your own life bit by bit

He probably thinks she is his muse and she is lapping it up or some such shite. Thinking they are Rosetti and Lizzie Siddal whereas he is just some sleazy old git. So this artistic circle, what sort of art are they churning out?

He is being unfaithful. Look at your finances, get a good divorce lawyer.

Don’t get your head sucked in to any explanation of the situation, he is delusional.

Talking to his children about his mistress? What a disgusting creep.

Is this a sudden change in behaviour from him or was he always one with a wandering eye (be honest) and now he's just being open about it?

I ask because changes in behaviour at his age can be a sign of cognitive issues including specific kinds of dementia where inhibitions are lost (you said he's being open with his children about this, not normal). Look at other aspects of his life he he doing anything else suspicious that's the early stages of dementia eg disturbed sleep, memory loss, sudden aggression, confusion with directions

Oh FFS 🙄

Please leave if you don't want to be in an open relationship. You don't have to be, don't let him gaslight you or make you feel 'square' for refusing. Leave now when you can point to the reason instead of staying. Then he gets old and ill, she disappears and you realise you have wasted years of your life on a man who doesn't respect you, your happiness or your views but expects you to wipe his backside. You won't leave then because you will be guilted about how ill he is and he needs and loves you and this could go on for years. You have decades ahead of you - please make them count for you and your hopes and dreams. Don't worry about your daughter she will cope. Best wishes.