Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AITA Need honest advice please :)

104 replies

Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:08

So my DH (35M) is doing a boxing event in march and we made a group chat to get as many people to come as he needs to sell 10 tickets to secure his place, we managed this and i was writing down everyone's names. So a female we will name her (Amy) was mentioned to me by my DH and i assumed it was our mutual friend who we have known for 15 years, its came to light that its actually a female whom he met on Tik Tok about 18 months ago. Now he told me he told me about her but i would 100% remember if he was helping this female. He said she was going through a messy split and court for DV and even said he had asked my advice to help her (i dont remember this).

the issue...

They have been chatting on Whatsapp for 18 months, he gave her his number and kept it from me. He says they talk daily and are just friends.

AITA here? Am i wrong to feel upset and hurt?
why would he give her his number? and behind my back?
He sees nothing wrong with it?

she is travelling down from the coast (2hrs away) to the boxing event where me and all his family are friends will be? Is that normal?

Advice needed because i feel sick..

OP posts:
username299 · 15/01/2025 19:12

I would ask to see the messages. If they've been sending each other cat memes and talking about the weather, then I wouldn't worry about it. If they've been flirting, sexting or having long, deep conversations then I would worry.

DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:18

Why is he talking to random women?

GarrynotsoGorilla · 15/01/2025 19:21

username299 · 15/01/2025 19:12

I would ask to see the messages. If they've been sending each other cat memes and talking about the weather, then I wouldn't worry about it. If they've been flirting, sexting or having long, deep conversations then I would worry.

Very wise balanced and sensible advice. If he is open about the conversation and no evidence of deleting messages then is probably fine unless you feel a little e is crossed in the messages. Otherwise is a bit concerning. Is a lot of effort for her to go to , which suggests at least an emotional attachment to your DH on her behalf. Doesn't mean he is anything more than a friend to her in any other context, but does suggest he needs to manage this carefully and be a lot more transparent with you. There is nothing unhealthy per ae in married men having female friends. The weird but is *meeting on til tok" but then I don't do tick tok so can't comment on how that could happen. I think you are right to be concerned, but mustn't judge till you have evidence of inappropriate behaviour or attempts to cover behaviour/ conversation.

Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:22

maybe its just me then

OP posts:
Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:25

he said he was helping her through her court appearances and dv and a friendship grew. i just don't understand why he needed to gi9ve his mobile number to her.

OP posts:
DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:25

Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:22

maybe its just me then

To be fair I wouldn’t be happy . Has he met her?

Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:26

GarrynotsoGorilla · 15/01/2025 19:21

Very wise balanced and sensible advice. If he is open about the conversation and no evidence of deleting messages then is probably fine unless you feel a little e is crossed in the messages. Otherwise is a bit concerning. Is a lot of effort for her to go to , which suggests at least an emotional attachment to your DH on her behalf. Doesn't mean he is anything more than a friend to her in any other context, but does suggest he needs to manage this carefully and be a lot more transparent with you. There is nothing unhealthy per ae in married men having female friends. The weird but is *meeting on til tok" but then I don't do tick tok so can't comment on how that could happen. I think you are right to be concerned, but mustn't judge till you have evidence of inappropriate behaviour or attempts to cover behaviour/ conversation.

Show quote history

he said he told me about her 18 months ago but i honestly dont remember, he admitted he didn't tell me about giving her his number and talking to her daily. he said he didn't think he needed too.

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 15/01/2025 19:27

So, is she a slightly round, middle aged woman with average looks?

Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:27

DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:25

To be fair I wouldn’t be happy . Has he met her?

Show quote history

no but she is travelling down here with her daughter to watch him box

OP posts:
Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:28

Pinkissmart · 15/01/2025 19:27

So, is she a slightly round, middle aged woman with average looks?

shes 43 so 3 years older than me and i have no idea about anything else

OP posts:
Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:28

DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:18

Why is he talking to random women?

said he is just being a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:30

username299 · 15/01/2025 19:12

I would ask to see the messages. If they've been sending each other cat memes and talking about the weather, then I wouldn't worry about it. If they've been flirting, sexting or having long, deep conversations then I would worry.

i don't want to be "that partner" but the fact he didn't tell me he gave his number out worries me, he literally dosen't seem to get why i'm so upset he has female work collegues he talks to but thats different to me

OP posts:
grimmeeper · 15/01/2025 19:30

I would not be happy either

FictionalCharacter · 15/01/2025 19:31

It never feels right when a married man starts a friendship with another woman to "advise" and "support" her over a breakup.
And he's been "supporting" her for 18 months behind his wife's back 🤔

Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:33

FictionalCharacter · 15/01/2025 19:31

It never feels right when a married man starts a friendship with another woman to "advise" and "support" her over a breakup.
And he's been "supporting" her for 18 months behind his wife's back 🤔

even if he doesn't feel anything but friendship its an emotional one, and maybe more on her part. i would never sit messaging a man who has a partner and kids at home!

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 15/01/2025 19:34

@Nostaw84 not referencing someone in 18 months of conversation is reasonably suspicious, but some people are genuinely that insensitive to how that may be perceived. As has been advised ask to read the conversation and take your own view.

Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:35

GarrynotsoGorilla · 15/01/2025 19:34

@Nostaw84 not referencing someone in 18 months of conversation is reasonably suspicious, but some people are genuinely that insensitive to how that may be perceived. As has been advised ask to read the conversation and take your own view.

i may have too

OP posts:
DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:39

Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:25

he said he was helping her through her court appearances and dv and a friendship grew. i just don't understand why he needed to gi9ve his mobile number to her.

Dos he have experience in this sort of thing ?As someone else said I’d want to see the messages.

grimmeeper · 15/01/2025 19:40

It's so off
I bet he wouldn't message 'Dave' he'd met online in secret for 18 months
I bet he wouldn't like it if you were messaging 'Dave' in secret for 18 months

And to suddenly announce he is bringing this new secret friend to an event you're all going to be at is very odd

grimmeeper · 15/01/2025 19:43

AND also trying to gaslight you by telling you he's already told you about her
Of course you'd remember that
I bloody would anyway

Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:44

DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:39

Dos he have experience in this sort of thing ?As someone else said I’d want to see the messages.

Show quote history

what do you mean experience?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:44

grimmeeper · 15/01/2025 19:40

It's so off
I bet he wouldn't message 'Dave' he'd met online in secret for 18 months
I bet he wouldn't like it if you were messaging 'Dave' in secret for 18 months

And to suddenly announce he is bringing this new secret friend to an event you're all going to be at is very odd

not going to lie i'm fucking hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:45

grimmeeper · 15/01/2025 19:43

AND also trying to gaslight you by telling you he's already told you about her
Of course you'd remember that
I bloody would anyway

i would 100% remember something like that

OP posts:
DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:46

Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 19:44

what do you mean experience?

Show quote history

As in court appearances and DV (meant as in his work )

Original poster
Nostaw84 · 15/01/2025 20:03

DaringLion · 15/01/2025 19:46

As in court appearances and DV (meant as in his work )

Show quote history

no he hasnt. i have though as ive been through it

OP posts: