AITA Need honest advice please :)

[Nostaw84]

So my DH (35M) is doing a boxing event in march and we made a group chat to get as many people to come as he needs to sell 10 tickets to secure his place, we managed this and i was writing down everyone's names. So a female we will name her (Amy) was mentioned to me by my DH and i assumed it was our mutual friend who we have known for 15 years, its came to light that its actually a female whom he met on Tik Tok about 18 months ago. Now he told me he told me about her but i would 100% remember if he was helping this female. He said she was going through a messy split and court for DV and even said he had asked my advice to help her (i dont remember this).

the issue...

They have been chatting on Whatsapp for 18 months, he gave her his number and kept it from me. He says they talk daily and are just friends.

AITA here? Am i wrong to feel upset and hurt?
why would he give her his number? and behind my back?
He sees nothing wrong with it?

she is travelling down from the coast (2hrs away) to the boxing event where me and all his family are friends will be? Is that normal?

Advice needed because i feel sick..

So he’s using YOUR trauma to be knowledgeable in helping her?

What the actual fuck?

I have male friends, my OH has female friends. Most are overlap but one each came via work and neither of us “know” the other. But we talk about them regularly and both randomly end up on a call with them. The fact that he’s never mentioned her is so ugh!!! She’s been kept a secret, which is worrying.

You have every right to tell him no. Take the power away from him. He knows he is wrong and he is enjoying what he thinks are two women fighting over him in his mind. Full stop No. No to the friendship. No to the messages and calls. No to her coming. No to anymore communication. Find your anger OP and put yourself first because he is not. This is not a normal friendship. Tell him no!

he said he told me about her once like 18 motnhs ago but i do not remember i wouldnt have been happy

will see how this goes down

I know it’s easy for me to say, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about - he should be!
it’s an easy out to say depending on the situation he wouldn’t mind if the roles were reversed. I guarantee he wouldn’t bloody mind!

when they’ve behaved badly in the past, it’s easy to feel foolish when they do so again, but this is his flaws not yours.

I assume she knows he is meant to be happily married with a family so cannot fathom why she would be so comfortable coming to meet you all - I’m inclined to think she has ulterior motive (or is that just because this is not how I would act?) I cannot understand her daughter’s involvement. I think in her shoes I’d be telling my mother this is inappropriate

yes, if he was genuinely sorry he would be offering off his own back to cut contact - even if he asked could he message her and say he wishes to end the friendship. He should be making choices and actions to show you that you are what’s important. Not some strange woman off tik tok

i might be judgemental here but I can’t imagine many well adjusted 40somethings post live streams of their tumultuous relationships all over tik tok for all and sundry to witness and involve themselves in - offloading on sites like mumsnet is entirely different.

I don’t think you’d be doing any wrong by asking him how he expects this friendship to continue given it makes you uncomfortable. Does he plan to meet up with her in the future? does he think you can all be friends together? If so, why has she been a dirty little secret - because that is definitely what he’s made the whole thing or he’d have mentioned her numerous times before now, would have asked for your views and input. Or is he just cocky and realises she’s invested (even if he is not) and likes the attention and ego stroking. Even if this is the case and he has no further intention than her being a pen pal, he’s toying with both your and her emotions here and it’s massively unfair on you

He would bloody mind! This phone is a nightmare to type on and I’ve no idea how to edit

How close / well do you get on with any of his family? Could you speak to someone who will be part of the boxing group? At least you might have support.

been with him 17 years so very close. i may talk to them

he said she does know about me and the fact she's travelling down to see him fight with me and his entire family tells me she does but to me that makes it worse because she shouldn't be entertaining him but then it works both ways you cant have a conversation by yourself.

just don't understand why he felt the need to look elsewhere for stranger female friends? am i not enough? to me that says something caught his interest in order to make him want to pursue whatever the fuck this is.

he hasn't said anything since and he hasn't done anything to make me feel better/safer/reassured so actions speak volumes tbh..

i asked him this and he said it would depend on the situation....no he bloody wouldn't be happy and i would be getting hell for it, but then again i wouldn't put him in that situation or even give my number to any man period!

oh i'm angry and i've kinda kept myself to myself trying to deal with the sicky tummy dread feelings i've had for almost 4 days now.

you cant tell him what to do never have been able to just the way he is.

@Nostaw84 really feeling for you. His disregard for your feelings is appalling. Both historically and now. If he had any decency he would simply call her and say "look, I have made some bad choices here and haven't been respectful to my relationship with my wife. I would rather you didn't come to the boxing and I think we need to review whether it is appropriate to continue contact at all. Good luck with your future. Bye"
What hasn't been discussed here and I can't get my head around is the whole tik too thing, and how she has clearly been "advertising" her personal emotional situation to the world, and how your husband thinks it is appropriate to even start up a conversation with someone who is behaving this way who is a complete stranger. I might have understood more if this was an old school/ work colleague on Facebook going through something and he picked up on something shared and that started the conversation. But this is just plain bloody weird. I have a view that social media is distorting peoples social norms. You wouldn't behave anything like this in real life. Who would stand on the street and call out to random passers by the details of their personal lives? You'd most likely get sectioned if you did! Yet this seems perfectly acceptable online? Even more bizarre if you think about it is would you actually go up to that person in the street and start up a conversation and offer to support them? Of course not. At best you would suggest they get professional help, and seek solace in existing real friendship.

And I know I say all this while being on an online forum, but I see this as quite different. It is anonymous, and as much a voyeuristic insight to peoples life, provides a platform to canvas opinion that you might be uncomfortable with discussing with friends for fear of judgement. In that sense it can be informative and /or supportive. Streaming video of yourself online is making yourself vulnerable or "available" depending on your PoV...
Maybe I just don't understand it.

i wish he would say this to her but deep down i don't think he wants to end their friendship its to cemented to much its been almost 2 years already.

Op you are no fool. You know why he’s ‘friends’ with this woman and it hasn’t nothing to do with friendship or charity.

no proof as yet, need to speak to him about it at some point

You absolutely CAN tell him - don't give him all the power here!

im going to get the courage and talk to him tonight

You have to think about what that says about how important to him in his life that you are. Sorry, those words must cut like a knife, but I think you should reflect on that and make a decision about how important he is in your life going forward.

I can understand perhaps with a slightly different starting point how a "friendship" like he has can develop, and how he may have got to this point. Perhaps a lack of self reflection from him and an awkwardness about being able to be transparent. However, he is now in a situation where that outing has happened and his priority should be respect to your feelings above anything else, even if the friendship is entirely platonic. He lost his right to maintain that purportedly platonic friendship the moment he failed to be appropriately transparent.

For what it is worth my view from what you said is he is emotionally invested in her, and her in him. Are you prepared to be second in his list of priorities? I don't think that would be healthy for you. You seem a really lovely person and I think you should carefully consider walking away with your head held high. Or better still pushing him out your life. Perhaps he needs a good stint seeing what he will lose, and hopefully when he comes crawling back you will be in a place where you realise he is not worth having back.

this is his 2nd chance.. so i wouldnt be giving another if we did split and he came back.

i will see how he reacts and what he says tonight.

This post has it spot on . Good luck

I have a friend I talk to on WhatsApp most days. We send lots of messages and support each other through life I suppose.
I talk about her regularly and everyone I'm close to knows about her. We are platonic friends but she is very important to me.
My point being if he is just friends with this woman why hasn't he mentioned her. It's strange.

i can assure you you are more than enough!
unfortunately some men seek validation from other women despite having a wonderful one at home. He is lacking if he’s happy to go after this.
I agree she probably does know about you, and either this is genuinely a harmless (in their eyes) friendship and she has been made to feel welcome to meet his family and friends, unlikely given you’ve never heard of her before and there’s been no prior opportunity to introduce and involve you, or they both are enjoying this situation and getting something out of it.
I fear the latter, and although she is single and technically doing no wrong, I do not understand women who tolerate or encourage this behaviour from men who are in a relationship. It’s a moral wrong for me. She cannot be so naive to not know her own interaction with this man would likely cause issues in his relationship.

only you know how this is impacting you, you have my full empathy as I think it’s an extremely shitty position to put you in. And I agree that you should not have to tell him how to behave, or tell him to cut contact, he knows he’s upset you, he knows he’s bringing mistrust in to your marriage, and he knows he’s is putting this friend before you and your children. And only you know how you want to deal with it, no one can make those choices for you, but I can say I’m coming through the other side of this having ended a relationship (yes an affair but similarly despite saying sorry and apparently wanting me to take him back, still made zero effort to prioritise my feelings and saw no wrong in continuing to speak to the other woman) I am far far happier now I am away from it and that distance has given me clarity on how shitty his behaviour had actually been for a long time.
I really do hope you’re managing ok, and that things work out for you no matter what decisions you make

Social media often seems to blur what would usually be considered very normal relationship boundaries.
‘Meeting’ someone online isn't the same as a friendship developing naturally over time through work or a hobby.
It begins as one-sided interest, with one person unaware that the other even exists...until they choose to ‘introduce themselves’ by reaching out to the stranger on the screen.
Even if they communicate publicly on social media, this is still a superficial connection. The only way it can develop into one-on-one, deep, personal conversations if one person chooses to go to DMs in order to start a private conversation, and the other person reacts favourably to that message.

I’m sure some people would disagree, but as far as I’m concerned, noticing a woman online, having a public interaction, then moving to private messages, is just as much of a betrayal as going on a night out, seeing a woman he finds interesting across the room, approaching and chatting to her…then asking for her number and messaging her the next day (or her approaching and him giving his number to her).
It’s dodgy as fuck, and very obviously crosses a line.

'Wanting to offer support to a stranger' wouldn't be a valid excuse for doing this in real life, and I don’t believe anybody who tries to claim naivety, thinking they were “only being friendly”, just because they approached/were approached over the internet rather than in a bar.

Actively pursuing a friendship like this, especially as he’s continued messaging her for 18 months without ever mentioning his conversations with his new friend, or asking your thoughts while he supports her through something you’ve experienced (apart from, apparently, once over a year ago) suggests he knew you wouldn’t be happy about it. It doesn’t suggest he thought this was a normal, totally above-board friendship that you’d be fine with.

She might believe it's totally innocent, and there's every chance she'd be mortified to find out you'd never even heard of her. If she thought it was a genuine platonic friendship, there's also no way she wouldn't question his motives after realising he's kept her a secret from you. I hope this is the case.

This isn’t a normal friendship, and being upset is a completely valid reaction. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, and you’re not unreasonable for finding it unacceptable. He’s the one who should be embarrassed.
Hope you’re okay OP.

i love your point about how its the same as "meeting on a night out" beacuse it is and i never thought of it that way!

little update! we was talking about table numbers and seats and i mentioned their names and he responded oh no they aren't coming...

i haven't probed further yet but i am going to talk to him about it tonight whilst we are watching the boxing

what should i ask i'm so rubbish at this?!

im going through my own health issues have been for 5 years so this has just made everything more suffocating! had my mri yesterday on my spine and hips.

apparently they now are not attending! going to speak to him tonight about it.