AITA Need honest advice please :)

[Nostaw84]

So my DH (35M) is doing a boxing event in march and we made a group chat to get as many people to come as he needs to sell 10 tickets to secure his place, we managed this and i was writing down everyone's names. So a female we will name her (Amy) was mentioned to me by my DH and i assumed it was our mutual friend who we have known for 15 years, its came to light that its actually a female whom he met on Tik Tok about 18 months ago. Now he told me he told me about her but i would 100% remember if he was helping this female. He said she was going through a messy split and court for DV and even said he had asked my advice to help her (i dont remember this).

the issue...

They have been chatting on Whatsapp for 18 months, he gave her his number and kept it from me. He says they talk daily and are just friends.

AITA here? Am i wrong to feel upset and hurt?
why would he give her his number? and behind my back?
He sees nothing wrong with it?

she is travelling down from the coast (2hrs away) to the boxing event where me and all his family are friends will be? Is that normal?

Advice needed because i feel sick..

will be the first time he's never met her hes probably deleted them all

I get you, I would feel completely awkward too. I’m actually having a bit of sympathy anxiety here for you!
I do think the way you’re feeling is letting you know something isn’t quite right in this set up.

he may not have been unfaithful in the usual sense, but this secret friendship is definitely shady at best.

you said you split before as he was unhappy - do you think he’s feeling this way again and this is his escape or a little bit of excitement to fluff up his days? Even if it began in full innocence, it’s absolutely gone on far too long, and is definitely in dangerous territory now. They have had 18months of getting to know each arch other (even if it’s limited to just messaging) so there is obviously attachments formed.

in no way am I trying to make excuses for him here - he’s in the wrong and knows it too I’d say. 17 years is a long time and yes, we all know with that, kids, jobs, life admin and housework things can get a bit monotonous at times, and I’m fairly sure most of us have felt a teeny boost if someone has complimented us, but that’s usually where it does, and should, end. I can honestly say I day dreamed more than once in my relationship about running away!! 🤣 the difference is, we know what’s acceptable and what isn’t and make a conscious choice to respect our partners and the relationship.

again, I may be biased based on my own experience, but seems my ex thrived on a bit of female attention, sought it online, and then eventually took the plunge to cheating

I would be very wary of what both your partner and this woman expect out of this friendship they’ve created, and if it’s more important to him than your own feelings, and ultimately, your relationship together.

he cannot be that dense to not realise he is absolutely creating an issue here

That feels a little too cozy. I’ve got cats bum face reading this.

i am very wary, i might ask him where he sees this "friendship" going that's actually a good question!

i dont give my number out to anyone on tik tok, i speak to people on their lives and such but it stays there it doesn't come into my real life".

sorry that made me laugh never head that saying before 😂

You know the face I mean though? Nose and mouth all scrunched up.

I actually think this might all be quite innocent but misguided on his part. She might be a bit trauma bonded and I would be worried about her attachment rather than his.

No it isn't.

He got bored and fucked off..
He got a nother woman pregnant..
You're going back into therapy, so there's been therapy before..
Now he's messaging some random.. and her kid..

He's laying the ground work to get bored against and suggest going on a break...

yes i know the face thank you for the laugh was much needed!! im hoping this is the case but im just so confused why a) he invited them and b) thought it was ok to give her his number c) behind my back

never asked for "advice of me again" after he claims he did inm the beginning when he saw her ok tiktok but he carried on talking to her

that would be game over if he did. no going back i'm not pregnant and weak this time

I'm so sorry OP but there's just absolutely no way that its completely innocent that he's never mentioned her (or mentioned her once as he says) if he was really actually supporting her through DV and court and it was totally innocent intention, surely he would have said to you 'hey maybe you could talk to her about it if you feel comfortable as you've been through it' - also to me the big indicator here is, if it was innocent and a genuine oversight on his part, and he was a decent guy, when you asked questions he would have gone 'oh god, yeah I see how this looks, I'm so sorry, here's my phone if you want to check- I'm really sorry, i didn't think' not just try and shrug it off.....

he's apologised how its made me feel but thats it im not going to tell him what he should do, actions speak louder than words

Make sure your seat is right next to her and then before the boxing starts you can ask her some pointed questions. ‘Who are you, and why are you here?’ ‘What’s your interest in my husband? Funny he’s never mentioned you, etc.

The while things doesn't stick together.

Who messaged who first, how does he even know about all her DV issues. Something definitely stinks here... how did it even got to the point of exchanging numbers, does she know he is in relationship???

this is perfect!

he watched her lives on tik tik where she spoke openly about all her problems dv courts ect, went to inbox messages not sure who first, he admited he gave her his number, he says she does but hoes dont care tbh do they?

Yeah right, he messaged her first.

And you should probably accept that she isn't the first he messaged. She's just the first to reply.

And if she is so open on socials, you message her.. and introduce yourself as your oh wife..

Don't tell him before you do it though, but do tell him the second you press send.

His reaction should be very telling.

Exactly.
a public conversation through commenting on her page might not feel nice, but that I could accept. Social media has made speaking to strangers the norm and probably allows us all to over step boundaries almost - you wouldn’t approach a woman chatting loudly with her friend about divorce in a cafe and offer advice, but we feel we can online.

private messaging is a step too far for me I’m sorry (again probably biased but I feel this is a way to test waters, even if it’s just for their own personal little enjoyment to have a secret chat that they, let’s face it, expect to get a buzz from it really) but to pass on phone numbers, speak regularly, and hide this from their partner? He knows he’s done wrong

he may be apologising, but does he mean it? Is he making any effort to rectify? If he had completely pure intentions, he’d be blocking this woman and uninviting her as it makes you uncomfortable

are any of his friends aware of her? I imagine they’d all feel pretty weirded out by her sudden presence

he should at the least be showing you their chat history if he wanted to put your mind at ease and thinks he’s nothing to hide or censor.

18 months is bloody long term me to have a friend and never mention them! What’s her plans for the boxing? Drive down, meet you all and drive back? If this is the first time they’re meeting, seems utterly ridiculous unless he intends to have further meetings with her. It’s not really the best atmosphere and opportunity for them to have a friendly catch up is it?

Part of me would want to tell him add her to the boxing group chat with everyone else and see how comfortable everyone reacts if he thinks this is so normal

@Nostaw84

That’s even stranger. Why would he watch an entire live stream of some random woman, especially on a topic like that? Is she some sort of influencer? It seems likely he’s been following her for a while—how else would this even happen?

Just imagine the scenario: a guy messages a woman he found online after she posts an emotional story about her past, saying something like, “Hey, I’m so sorry you went through that.” 🤨

Now flip the roles—how would he feel if it were you chatting up random men online, welcoming them to your event behind his back? You should ask him that.

If I were in your position, without making a scene, I’d make it crystal clear that I’m present and she’s not welcome. Walk right up, introduce yourself with confidence:
“Hi, my name is X. I’m Y’s partner, and these are our children. Who are you? I don’t believe we’ve met.”
Then smile warmly—kill them with kindness. It’s the most elegant way to assert your boundaries while making it clear that you’re fully aware of what’s going on.

i don't know who she is on there? he told me he don't know her age and cant remember where she is from either...😕

he offered to add her into the boxing group with all his family 😳
and said i can talk to her if i want to....nope!

I'm embarrassed that I'm in this situation again 10 years later! never ever thought i would be.

i asked him what if it was me doing this, he said it would depend on the situation.
i dont want her near me

I would be very upset if my DH was randomly watching another woman's life on tik tok for years. It appears he is seeking a relationship with her and is emotionally invested in her and her whole family. He is repeating the behavior of saving you before and wants to be her savior too. It is a pattern many men have needing to feel like the knight in shining armor rescuing the damsel in distress. This is indeed what an emotional affair is and very predatory on his part. I would put up firm boundaries. It is okay to say no and you are not okay with it. If he decides to pursue his relationship with her than you know where you stand. You have the right to feel slighted and angry. Tell him no she cannot come and that the friendship is inappropriate. He needs to choose.

if he wanted to he would have blocked her already, he hasn't but even if he told me he did i probably wouldn't believe him

Depends on the situation”? That’s such a bad response. Talking to a stranger behind your partner’s back and exchanging number is exactly what it looks like—there’s no justification or scenario where it’s acceptable.

I know you don’t want her near you, and you’ll handle it how you feel is best at the time. But honestly, I think you need to keep the upper hand here. You’re the woman in his life—she’s just some random person. Instead of letting her feel comfortable around him or in your space, I’d make it clear that she’s out of place. Don’t give her any room to feel comfortable. Without being confrontational, you can make it clear she’s not welcome, so she'll willingly removes herself from the equation. You don’t need to be rude, just assertive and confident—make sure she knows she doesn’t belong in your territory x

i dont think she would care, he invited her to me that screams he wants her there