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Original poster

Lap dancing clubs, lap dances and your opinions...this way please.

109 replies

IfYouWereInMyShoes · 05/05/2008 10:45

DH was taken along to a "Gentleman's Club" on Saturday night.
He and the group of people he was with all had one-on-one dances. It is the first time DH has ever done anything of the sort,however, the private "dance" he had comprised of the girl making physical contact with my DH...breasts in mouth and Fanjo literally on his face.
and all for £10 - it was meant to be double but he refused to pay more (before she took him off), explaining he was married .

Am I unusual in not having thrown him out? I feel weirdly calm about the whole thing but am worried that I am just very odd because I am not shredding his clothes and phoning my solicitor.

Opinions gratefully received please?

OP posts:
NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 17:28

Hahaha twinset, the only time I got annoyed at an ex for looking at porn was when he told me he only visited youngandfat.com because he "wanted something to remind him of me"

I don't really agree with porn thankfully DP has no appetite for it.

twinsetandpearls · 05/05/2008 17:30

well at least it wasn't oldandfat.com.

Twinset is now seriously tempted to look at youngandfat.com - will it make me feel better or worse about my lack of defined waist.

Quattrocento · 05/05/2008 17:35

In my world, blokes who do these things are unreconstructed neanderthals. I'd be absolutely outraged. Women put up with the oddest things though, and marriages survive with the oddest dynamics. Good luck

Tortington · 05/05/2008 17:37

i wouldnt like my dh to do it.

i just asked him " if you were out with a group of friends and nothing was pre-planned and you went to a lap dancing club and all your friends went in, what would you do next"

he said that he would go in. he wouldnt have a lap dance becuase he thnks as we are married its wrong and not strictly within the realms of fidelity. however if we had discussed it beforehand and you [me] said " oh go on then its harmless fun" then he would.

however, in your situation - given that he did - i wouldnt he happy but it wouldnt be a deal breaker... pack your bags get out of my house your never seeing your children again you male slllllllllag - or anything!

NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 17:45

I think it says more about how women are viewed in this society that most of us DON'T find it offensive.

There is so much wrong with that industry, when you actually think about it, it really is morally wrong wrong wrong on SO many levels

yet the initial reaction tends to be, "Oh, boys will be boys, let them have their fun. No harm done."

dittany · 05/05/2008 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinsetandpearls · 05/05/2008 17:51

I can assure you I am not scared to stand up to dp, he could nervoulsy assure you of the same

twinsetandpearls · 05/05/2008 17:52

Niftynanny dp said he thinks strip clubs lap dancing clubs are morally wrong so he would not go in one.

Perhaps my views would change if he became a regular or I thought he did not adore me.

Quattrocento · 05/05/2008 17:56

I agree with Dittany - I think the "boys will be boys" line is a rationalisation. How male dominated is our society that we allow/enable this sort of behaviour?

NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 17:58

mmm yes - my OH sees it as "no big deal" and "just a night out" - although he would never actively choose to go in one unless it was a stag do, for example. He's nowhere near high flying enough to get to visit one on expenses ;)

I'm really not scared to stand up to him either, and very secure in the relationship. Mind you, when I go out I'm uncomfortable with men buying me drinks as I presume they want something in return.

They're always so shocked that a woman wants to thought of as equal. I guess with strippers there's no confusion about what's on offer and how much it costs.

They like things simple...........

twinsetandpearls · 05/05/2008 17:58

I don't buy the boys will be boys argument either as dp is just not that kind of man and would not want to go in such a place. I think there are men and women who enjoy this kind of think though.

But if dp was on a stag night or similar and this happened I would not be bothered.

twinsetandpearls · 05/05/2008 17:59

I don't let strange men buy me drinks when I am out, men I know of course is a different matter and I would buy them a drink in return.

PosieParker · 05/05/2008 18:05

I wonder why some women would not be bothered? What if your dh kissed someone? Is that better or worse than a breast that he's paid for? What if they all had oral sex? When does it become prostitution?

NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 18:06

Quattro - yes, but we're all playing the same game... the reason I've protested outside Playboy's store is that I don't want the NEXT generation to have it so deeply ingrained.

100 years ago women couldn't even vote. There are countries in the world where they're not allowed out of the house without a male chaperone.

The change is happening gradually but there has been a fashion lately for "high class hookers" - that stupid Billie Piper program, all the books and blogs...

in MY relationship, I'm not surprised and I'm not hurt by what he did. I'm a product of my upbringing, but talking about the reasons and the implications it's still thought of as harmless... hopefully makes for a change further down the line.

I still tell that riddle about the Doctor who refuses to treat the child and father because "that's my son..."
I'm still amazed at how many people presume a Doctor can't be female!

edam · 05/05/2008 18:07

Yuck, frankly. If I discovered some man I knew frequented these places I'd think a lot less of them. And if dh crossed the threshold he would be in major, major shit.

I really don't think the sexual exploitation of women for money is something that can be laughed off as 'boys having fun'. There are people making a lot of money out of that industry and they sure as hell aren't the 'dancers'.

NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 18:09

Twinset, I don't - had an hour long debate with a girlfriend of mine one night because she firmly believes that she should only pay for the first one or two drinks then find some sucker to buy the rest for her...
because she is a GIRL and it is our role to be provided for.

Ack! ack! ack!

If I'm talking to someone though, and they offer, I'll accept - and buy the next round myself. Usually though we're talking about computers and football, so they just go "Good man" and let me get on with it :-s

twinsetandpearls · 05/05/2008 18:09

The OP did not say that her partner gave the girl oral sex he said that she thrust her tits and fanjo in his face, there is a difference.

If dp went to a prostitute or kissed another woman with the intent on being unfaithful I dont know if I could forgive him.

NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 18:11

Just completely contradicted myself there.
I don't let men sidle up to me and say, "Can I buy you a drink?"
But if we've been having a protracted discussion about whether Norwich City are going to be any good next season, and we've run out of beer, then all well and good.

NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 18:13

This is the confusing bit though, if they've PAID someone to use their body to turn them on, does it matter if it's kissing, jiggling, rubbing boobs in face? Aren't you kind of EXPECTING to be turned on, even if you suspect there's a no touching rule?

Is it the ACT or the IDEA that's unfaithful? Most people seem to be saying it's the act, doing something. If they're sitting back and the GIRL is the one doing it, then they're powerless? but they initiated it!

aaargh!

PosieParker · 05/05/2008 18:20

I was asking how far would be too far? So he had breasts in his mouth, I imagine she was pretending to be turned on and he was turned on, I imagine she wanted to take it further (what sort of place was this?) and he said he was married and so he met the line he wouldn't cross. I am curious what would have been the next step and if that would be acceptable for the OP. I also think that she may have thought a private dance would have been far enough and breast in face too far if faced with that. Nobody said it was oral sex, but what if it was?
NN, I agree that it is someone paying and asking for something and has little to do with the lapdancer. I don't get how it is not unfaithful to have a breast in your mouth or to pay for a private dance, but it would be to recieve the tongue of some girl in a bar?????

PosieParker · 05/05/2008 18:21

Twinset, how is paying for a private dance any less unfaithful by intent than anything else?

Original poster
IfYouWereInMyShoes · 05/05/2008 18:30

Hello, Sorry I appeared to walk out on my own thread!! Lost internet for half the day and then went to B&Q to buy a hammer

When DH told me about the events he was really quite shocked as he had not expected what he eneded up with...and no "Taken off" wasn't slang , I just meant he'd explained about the money before she took him into the side room, he wasn't expecting much at all for a tenner and was surprised she even wanted to provide a dance for so little.
We have been together for over 15 years and I have never had any reason to doubt his fidelity, I know it sounds naive but he's really not the sort.
He told me about it because he is too honest not to, but I have to admit a small part of me does want to ask him why he didn't get up and walk out when things got so initmate and also wondering why he actually stimulated her nipples with his tongue when it was in his mouth....TMI I know, but I had to know what he did)
He is worried he has really hurt me, and now the shock has worn off I am feeling quite sick about it. But no, I certainly never would divorce him over it! It's just that I believed there are people who would. Just wondered if I was odd, or maybe I just wanted you all to tell me what a wonderful understanding wife my DH has!!

OP posts:
Original poster
IfYouWereInMyShoes · 05/05/2008 18:31

Oh, and yes it was a Stag do.

OP posts:
NiftyNanny · 05/05/2008 18:35

I think my OH's point is that it's "contained"
whatever stage they reach, it's never going to go anywhere than the inside of that club.

If you snog someone and take their number, you are facing an emotional involvement...

which is worse ???

OH would never count that as unfaithful, but me getting drunk and kissing someone, never calling them again, THAT would be. But he saw someone else naked.... and was turned on by it. CHOSE to be turned on by someone else's naked body.

Hmm, the more I talk about it, the more I come to the conclusion that it's really NOT ok! See, Mumsnet has made me challenge societal beliefs. I still can't see myself busting his balls over it though.

Perhaps Quattro has a point...

RIELOVESBACARDI · 05/05/2008 18:37

i would cut his cock off and stick it up his arse then go and shag his mate

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