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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His decisions make me feel so disgusted

121 replies

Trixiepots1 · 11/01/2025 19:55

I'm so so so sick of my ex. He has severe mental health issues. That's part the reason I've tried to stay friendly but distance myself at the same time.

His illness makes him make reckless decisions. It always has. But the last year his decisions have been infuriating and I cannot deal with him anymore. It's like he's completely jealous of my life and plays down and puts down everything about me. But also he literally ruins his own life and is convinced he's not at fault.

He lost his job 18 months ago for stealing and selling some work stuff. This was the beginning of the end for us. Just before he lost his job he bought a gorgeous puppy from some idiot he knew. I had good intentions with the puppy. I got her a lead and collar. I paid for her food. Then weeks and weeks and then months past. He never ever took her outside his flat to pee or walk. He never got her injections and never trained her. So she slept in the bed with us. Took over the whole house but wasn't living a dogs life. He sold her for £100 in March. Lied to the people who got her. Said she was lead trained. After the dog went he got in with a shit crowd. He began lying. Spending money
but rent and bills were ignored. Then he had the nerve to ask me for money for fags and food whilst going into victim mentality. We split up around this time. He had some lad living with him and between them I presume drugs and allsorts were going on.

I got myself a pet cockertial recently. She's adorable. He has been leaning on me abit lately. He came round (stupid I know) I was recently put on steroids as my skin broke out from stress. I have felt so exhausted over Christmas. Working and trying to do allsorts. I think I just got ill from the pressure. The nurse called me the other day to update my treatment plan. He was sat on my sofa whilst I told the nurse I got stressed and tired. After I hung up he said what was you telling her that for she was ringing you about your rash.
All week he's been saying wherever he goes People are telling him he's great and they wish they could be him bla bla bla. Bullshit comments all the time.

Today I went shopping with my kids. I got some toys for my new bird and the kids spent their christmas money. He's been laid in bed starving and mardy with no money for days. Constantly whinging. Whilst I'm out today he's text saying he's got a new dog. It's a staffy crossed with a cane corso. He claims its 10 weeks old. The lad down the road sold it and he wants a hundred pound (he hasn't got a penny to his name) on further questioning he needs to buy it food and a lead etc. So I made a comment on well you will need to make sure you do feed it properly. He then said he didn't know why I bought my bird a toy and ladder today as its only a bird and had enough in its cage. He wanted to bring the dog up. I said no it might turn on my cockertial.

I just don't want to be friends with him anymore or bother with him. He makes my blood boil. I only stayed friends because of self harm. But I really can't stand his lifestyle.

OP posts:
murasaki · 11/01/2025 23:27

Those that threaten to kill themselves rarely do. You have no kids with him, no responsibility for him, do not let him inside your home again.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 11/01/2025 23:58

Trixiepots1 · 11/01/2025 20:10

Ugh its a long story. Suicide attempts. Overdosing. Turning up crying saying he's starving. Saying he was going to kill himself.

I have rang all the professionals they never help. So by managing him my stress goes down. But I really don't like him. He's a liar but his choices are getting more and more ridiculous

Zoom out a minute here

All these suicide threats. He's still breathing, right?

You have to see what this is - MANIPULATIVE and also, not your problem. Block him and be done, the end.

You are not responsible for him, and you simply cannot have this idiot drug user and his likely dangerous dog around your children.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 12/01/2025 04:27

This is one of those situations where the answer is perfectly simple. It's not necessarily easy to do, but it's completely clear hat you just have to have the maturity and strength of character to cut this person out of your life,
If you don't do that then the stress is on you. He's your ex for a reason.

Trixiepots1 · 12/01/2025 06:18

I'm doing my best he's been a nightmare to get rid off. I have not responding ded go his last message as advised I'm going to pull back. I dont want the stress anymore and now he's got a dog he's got a reason so he will be fine.

OP posts:
Talesfromtheriverbank · 12/01/2025 06:27

Poor dog.

and poor bird tbh.

CheeseTime · 12/01/2025 07:02

OP are you waiting for some kind of realisation on his part that you are a better person and for him to be grateful for your support?
It doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t like you and the more you do the more he will despise you. He’s just a user. Yes he will tell everyone you’re a bitch or whatever but why do you care what he or his friends think?
Block block block.
Choose wisely next time or not at all.

RedHelenB · 12/01/2025 07:11

Bananalanacake · 11/01/2025 20:14

You don't have DC with him and you don't live together, why even bother talking to him or thinking about him, he is not your responsibility.

Because OP likes to feel superior because she can l98k after a pet better than him and live life better. Because there's no other rational explanation.

Jurassicparkinajug · 12/01/2025 07:30

This is causing you stress OP, so definitely time to pull back. You sound very kind and this is why he is leaning on you but remember his mental health is not your responsibility. He sounds very manipulative. By slowly reducing contact you might lower the risk of him turning up to your house agitated which he probably will if you block him. In the meantime you need to find ways to not let his comments bother you. If he criticises the way you care for your pet or whatever then just say to yourself ‘he’s just jealous’ and don’t let it bother you. You could also reply to him and say what I spend my money on is not your business as we’re not together so stop texting me stuff like this otherwise I will block you. Give him a warning. Then he’s to blame if he gets blocked.

I had a similar situation with my ex boyfriend’s friend who decided after not seeing me for 10 years that we were best friends. Very odd. He is also mentally unwell so I didn’t want to upset him too much and I’m also aware how socially isolating psychiatric conditions can be but it became too much. So I reduced the contact and would take weeks/ over a month to reply to a text. I’ve not heard from him since sept so hopefully it’s working.

Holdonforsummer · 12/01/2025 07:34

Trixiepots1 · 11/01/2025 20:12

Me too. He won't have it long. It's the 3rd dog he's had in 4 years. He won't be able to buy it nothing. I bailed him out with the last 2 dogs. I paid for their food and bought them toys and dog beds because I didn't want to see them go without. But no way will I do it again.

It’s the third dog he has had in 4 years? I would be seriously tempted to report him to the RSPCA. This is a selfish and dangerous attitude, both for the dogs he ‘adopts’ and for the children who are forced to live around them until they are discarded. Please do not facilitate any more temporary dogs.

hattie43 · 12/01/2025 07:45

MatchyMatchyGlasses · 11/01/2025 22:35

Cane Corsos are stunning dogs.

An untrained Cane Corso who is developing mental anguish from being stuck in a flat with no physical or mental stimulation is a weapon.

This .

OP you know what to do . This man contributes nothing positive to your life . End the relationship.

BountifulPantry · 12/01/2025 07:53

Can you afford therapy OP?

If this were a friend of mine and they asked for my view I would say they need to examine why they feel responsible for a man who has such a chaotic and problematic existence. Because most people wouldn’t be involved with someone like this in any way shape or form. So the question is why are you? That’s a tough question to answer alone, so a trained professional would help.

in the meantime make sure you’re taking all the self care you can. And by that I mean ensure you’re eating well, drinking water, getting daylight, exercise, early to bed, connecting with friends and family (of the non-toxic variety).

user1471538283 · 12/01/2025 08:09

Every second you are engaged with him and his nonsense is a second away from your DC and your bird. Every penny is a penny away from your DC. His stress has already manifested itself on your body.

He doesn't want people to know what he's like. When he finds someone else to leech off you will never hear from him

He's not your friend. He's nothing to you so block him.

Moonlightstars · 12/01/2025 08:15

Miloarmadillo2 · 11/01/2025 20:09

This. He’s an ex - block him and don’t get dragged any further into his chaotic life. A staffy x Cane Corso almost certainly would meet criteria for an XL bully so he’s breaking the law. Previous experience would say he will be a terrible dog owner and not care for the dog appropriately. Don’t get involved, and don’t let the dog anywhere near your family.

It's not an XL bully. Given the state of this lad probably won't be a great dog to be around.

Moonlightstars · 12/01/2025 08:18

Trixiepots1 · 11/01/2025 21:23

That's his flat and his pets. There's nothing shameless about my lifestyle. I am a respectable woman who works as a HCA. I work hard. I have a cockertial yes. But that's the only pet I've had in my current home. I dont smoke or drink or touch drugs. I keep my home clean and tidy and my kids have good manners. It's solely him and his mental state going downhill

But you are exposing your children to this man and teaching them that putting up with this sort of person is fine. He needs to find a support network without you in it.

PromiseNotToCall · 12/01/2025 09:52

Trixiepots1 · 12/01/2025 06:18

I'm doing my best he's been a nightmare to get rid off. I have not responding ded go his last message as advised I'm going to pull back. I dont want the stress anymore and now he's got a dog he's got a reason so he will be fine.

Well, he would be a nightmare to get rid of because your shoulder is always available for him to lean on.

A. Request the money you have spent on his pets and invest it back into your savings or for the children.

B. Block him

C. Call the police if he keeps turning up and harassing you.

teenmaw · 12/01/2025 10:12

Op do not try to cut contact and fade him out, it will never happen! What are you hanging on to this absolute leech? You need to block him immediately and forget he exists. Do what you've been advised many times and call the police if he harasses you. Do not keep people in your life who cause you so much stress there is NO REASON for you to be in contact with this guy. Plenty people have MH problems, that doesn't make someone an asshole. Being an asshole makes him an asshole!

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2025 10:13

Trixiepots1 · 12/01/2025 06:18

I'm doing my best he's been a nightmare to get rid off. I have not responding ded go his last message as advised I'm going to pull back. I dont want the stress anymore and now he's got a dog he's got a reason so he will be fine.

You shouldn't be receiving messages

BLOCK HIM!

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/01/2025 10:55

You need to report him to the RSPCA immediately. He cannot keep that dog. I'm not a dog lover but it's cruel. He won't feed it or walk it and the cane corso element would terrify me. Block him, don't engage any further. You don't have to deal with this so don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

unsync · 12/01/2025 11:25

If you are not together, why are you still seeing him. He's not a friend. That's not how friends behave. Do not expose your children to this man. You are not responsible for him, his wellbeing or mental health. He has made and continues to make bad life choices. Don't enable him. Do better for your children.

Miloarmadillo2 · 12/01/2025 13:45

Moonlightstars · 12/01/2025 08:15

It's not an XL bully. Given the state of this lad probably won't be a great dog to be around.

An XL bully is a type, not a breed. A Cane Corso cross would almost certainly meet the ‘type’ criteria, he will have no breed papers, and the sort of scum who continue to breed these dogs despite the ban and sell them for £100 to a man at the pub with no ability to care for them do not give a shit about a) dangerous dog legislation or b) what happens when you lock a fighting breed up in a flat with an idiot incapable of training it.
The RSPCA will not care as long as the dog has food and water, they set a very low bar for welfare. I’d report him and if possible the man who sold it to the dog warden and police and let a DLO decide. But if you don’t want to get involved at least keep yourself, your kids and your cockatiel safe. Recipe for disaster.

Sidebeforeself · 12/01/2025 13:50

The poor kids … his and yours.. having to be around this shit show

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