My mother not respecting my rules with my child

[NoisyLilacExpert]

My mum is the middle man (third person) between me & my co parent

Me and co parent don't have the best relationship hence why we need a third person.

So my mums job is to just reply to any messages my co parent sends her regarding our baby. That is it!

Today co parent was sending my mum paragraph after paragraph asking her to please "have a word with me" about unblocking him and being civil.

I've tried this numerous times it doesn't work. I'm over the relationship but co parent isn't. Co parent still "wants his family back" that is long gone for me.

Then after the paragraphs he asked my mum to send him a picture of the baby as she must of told him in a reply that she was babysitting out baby. She messaged me to tell me what he's been messaging her and I told her to stop engaging in conversation & do not send him a picture of the baby as today is not one of his days that he is having the baby. Tomorrow is his day.

Anyways when she dropped baby home she slipped up that she had sent a picture of the baby to him. I didn't say anything at the time but since she's left I'm really not happy about this. I told her not to and she said okay, she clearly have ignored me about my own child

I don't care if he is the baby's father, it isn't his day to communicate with my mum/me

We've been advised to not communicate on days that are not his days by police and womans aid. My mums knows all of this and isn't helping the situation

Am I being sensitive or is my mum wrong for this

Find someone else?

I wouldn’t appreciate being put in your mum’s position, tbh. You don’t want to deal with your difficult ex. Why should see?

Its too much to ask your mother. He is tugging in her heartstrings.

Find a different middle man. Good luck.

You've put your mum in an untenable position. Use the app to coordinate with your ex.

I completely get this I do

I feel for her, but I'm constantly having to remind her to not engage unless it's his days (she knows his days)

But she's not listening. It's not even a case of he's annoying her or he's stressing her out

It's HER engaging with him also

my mums job is to just reply to any messages my co parent sends her regarding our baby.

No, it isn’t. It’s really unfair to put your mother in the middle like this. Use a coparenting app or deal with him yourself.

I will not be dealing with him!

My mums only doing the favour so he doesn't have to pay for a contact centre. But he clearly isn't respecting that

Not a fair position to put your mum in at all, it's not her job to referee your failed relationship.

Get a co-parenting app to communicate with your ex.

This is an awful situation to put your mum in. I'm surprised she agreed to it. She's a human being, not a machine. You can't expect her to do things exactly as you want. You really need a proper mediator though.

Remove your mum as your go between and make him pay for a contact centre.

Use the contact centre and stop allowing your mum to babysit then, you can't control her or him but you can remove unsupervised access.

Use a co-parenting app, this is too hard for your mum and she clearly is struggling with the emotional load.

Your poor mum. No good deed goes unpunished

Hopefully you’ve received the message loud and clear.

Use a contact centre rather than your mother.

He is a master manipulator who is posing both of you like a fiddle. Do not enter into any mediation with him either because of his past and current abuses of you.

He remains abusive and will not stop using your mother for his own ends. If he does not want to pay for a contact centre then that’s his problem.

He’s not that bothered about his child either and just wants to punish you via any method for leaving him, in his head the most perfect of specimens.

She’s not the right person for this role OP. Find someone who is less involved and doesn’t have any relationship with your ex.

Personally, I can't see the problem with him having a photo of his own child. But anyway, I agree with others. This is too much to ask of your mum.

Informal arrangements rarely if ever work out well if the other party is abusive. I would formulate all future contact arrangements via the courts. Does he pay maintenance for his child?.

Agree it's a stressful position to put your mum in. Could she block him on the days when it's not his contact? As pp said, you don't want to deal with him so why should she? Also don't see the big issue of her sending a photo. Seems a bit mean to deny a father something so simple. But if he's harassing her with lengthy paragraphs she needs to just not engage.

I think it's too much to ask from her personally.

It isn't mean to deny a photo to a father that has contact with the child, it is just another emotional manipulation used to abuse the op, he can take all the photos he wants on his time.

You are being really selfish putting your mum in this position

Why would you have a baby with someone you can clearly barely stand? Hardly the best environment to raise a child in

Also don't see the big issue of her sending a photo. Seems a bit mean to deny a father something so simple

The OP has said that she’s had advice from the police and women’s aid. There’s obviously more going on here.

You absolutely shouldn't have your mum in this position. It is untenable and she isn't the one to meditate.

Why is anyone worried about your ex having to pay for a contact centre? So fucking what!!?? Let him pay. Why do you and/or your mother think he is owed any favours here? He isn't. He's a twat and a master manipulator.

You need to stop this arrangement right now. It's totally batshit and that way lies insanity.

👆This.

Your mum is unsuited to be your middle-man, it makes no difference if her unsuitablity is through being soft hearted or through being bullied by your ex. Unsuited is unsuited.

He's abused the favour your mum was doing, so the favour should be withdrawn and all contact should now take place via a contact centre, if that costs him money so be it.

"We've been advised to not communicate on days that are not his days by police and womans aid. My mums knows all of this and isn't helping the situation"
Reiterate that to her when you tell her you're swapping to a contact centre.

Will he still contact her regardless? He has her number, I suppose?

I'm a grandmother, and I think this would be an awful position to be in. It's really hard to have someone nagging at you and having to say no, especially if she has any people pleasing traits (as I do).

If this is to save money, it really isn't worth it. It's not fair on her and it clearly isn't suiting you either.

He's not doing it because he wants to see a picture of his child. It's a control tactic

He's realised my mum is weak