My mother not respecting my rules with my child

[NoisyLilacExpert]

My mum is the middle man (third person) between me & my co parent

Me and co parent don't have the best relationship hence why we need a third person.

So my mums job is to just reply to any messages my co parent sends her regarding our baby. That is it!

Today co parent was sending my mum paragraph after paragraph asking her to please "have a word with me" about unblocking him and being civil.

I've tried this numerous times it doesn't work. I'm over the relationship but co parent isn't. Co parent still "wants his family back" that is long gone for me.

Then after the paragraphs he asked my mum to send him a picture of the baby as she must of told him in a reply that she was babysitting out baby. She messaged me to tell me what he's been messaging her and I told her to stop engaging in conversation & do not send him a picture of the baby as today is not one of his days that he is having the baby. Tomorrow is his day.

Anyways when she dropped baby home she slipped up that she had sent a picture of the baby to him. I didn't say anything at the time but since she's left I'm really not happy about this. I told her not to and she said okay, she clearly have ignored me about my own child

I don't care if he is the baby's father, it isn't his day to communicate with my mum/me

We've been advised to not communicate on days that are not his days by police and womans aid. My mums knows all of this and isn't helping the situation

Am I being sensitive or is my mum wrong for this

This.

For shame OP.
Your mum sent a photo after ‘paragraphs and paragraphs’. Probably to get him off her back.

You are being incredibly unkind to your mum.
Seriously- grow up and manage your co parenting relationship yourself.

So your ex was mentally/ verbally abusive SO YOU THOUGHT YOU’D PUT YOUR MUM IN THE FIRING LINE?

And YOU are adding to it by telling her she’s doing it all wrong. Honestly. Get a grip op

So you've put your mum in the firing line of an 'abusive narcissist ' ? How thoughtful of you

Today co parent was sending my mum paragraph after paragraph asking her to please "have a word with me" about unblocking him and being civil.

Stop putting her through this. She offered because she's your mum and she wanted to help. But you should never have taken her up on it. It was entirely unreasonable of you to expect her to do what you could not. And when, predictably, she also couldn't manage his demands, you came over here and slagged her off.

Stop using your Mum as a go between. It's unfair.

You are taking the piss by putting your mother in the middle. I think you need to grow up and sort your relationship with 'co parent' out.

Goodness me, a right (nasty) flock of sheep here. The first few responses are unpleasant, so the rest of you follow behind.

Have a bit of sympathy for a woman who has been in an abusive relationship and at least try to respond with a modicum of kindness.

Being quite so mean , and repetitious, doesn't make anyone clever, and certainly not useful as advisers.

I do agree, OP, that a contact app, if a suitable one exists, may work better all round. Either that, or an email which you make clear you won't reply to unless it's urgent or relevant.

Goodness me, a right (nasty) flock of sheep here. The first few responses are unpleasant, so the rest of you follow behind

How about there being a very high level of disagreeing with the OP?
Had they all lined up to approve, would that have been sheep-like?

There's a way to do it. Repeating each other, and being sharp about it, shows either unkindness or stupidity.

I don't understand....why is it an issue for him to have a photo of his child that he sees regularly? :-/ these rules sound very strict and like you are expecting way too much of your poor mum who let's face it is very stuck in the middle here and doesn't actually have to be,I'm guessing? Is doing it by her own good will?

Ultimately, you chose to get into a relationship with this ex partner, and have a baby with him....yet you want your mum to put up with the hassle from him and just escape it yourself?

I think YABU, and need to show some gratitude for what your mum is doing for you here....

As others have said, this is not right for your mum to be put in this position and I don’t see why it’s her “job”.

The middle man needs to be a neutral party.

YABVVVU your poor mum. It's time you and your co parent grow up and act like proper adults!

He wants you to fall out with your mum - it’s one more way to control you. It makes him seem like the good guy and you the bad guy.

Tread gently with your mum, get her on side but end this middle man.

This is unfair for your mum and he probably wants to damage the relationship you have with her as well. Just stop it's not fair to your mum.

Clearly nobody here has escaped a narcissist. I had to have my dad do contact as my ex would try to cause arguments and nitpick any photos of DD every time I tried to coparent. It is NOT POSSIBLE to fully coparent with a narcissist.

You're all nasty.

I agree with everyone else. Stop using your mum as a go-between. It's very unfair on her.

You need another mediator.

Thank you, oh sanctimonious one for showing us the way. Trying to police what others are writing on a public forum, there's your good deed done for a day.

Of course she offered. Because she loves you. And she is heartbroken that she sees her child's family broken up. That's what I've got from your posts on this thread.

Please love your mum as much as she loves you and remove her from this unfair position you've put her in. She offered yes I know you said that, but you shouldn't have accepted. So it's on you. The go-between is a functional role, not an emotional one.

You are so lucky to have such a thoroughly loving mum. Cherish her.

Chastising your mum and calling her weak after you've put her in this situation is vile.
You are being massively unreasonable.
Go through a contact centre and stop using your mother for this, and apologise whilst you're at it!

No, calling your mum weak is nasty. No ones saying the op deserved any of what's happened to her - but her mother certainly doesn't deserve this shit either!

You accuse us all of not understanding, but it's like you're putting your fingers in your ears and saying "la, la, la, la, la" at our suggestions.

You admit yourself that he is manipulative and your mum is weak. Why can YOU not understand the fact that your mum is the wrong person to be the "middle man"? She offered because she thought she could do it but it's become obvious she can't. If you can't deal with your ex, why should she be able to?"

Everyone here is stating constructive solutions - either find an alternative person, someone who is strong willed. Use a co-parenting app and manage communications yourself. Or, force him to use a contact centre. Tough titties if he doesn't want to pay. Make it his problem.

Just stop blaming your poor mum.

Your poor mum is being bombarded with messages from an abusive narcissist. She probably feels intimidated.

OP has taken advice from Women's Aid. I think they know better than you about whether OP should be in contact with her ex.

It isn't fair on OP's mum and she should stop doing it but neither is it appropriate for OP to re-open contact with her abusive ex.

You are calling your mum weak for replying to the odd phone message from someone she only has in her life at all because of you. Were you weak to have been in a relationship and had a child with this man, that you chose yourself? A little bit more reflection that your mum is making the best of a bad situation that you put her in, would be a good starting point.

It's good you are feeling able to establish boundaries with your ex now, but you are taking it out on the wrong person.

Find another way, a neutral middle man, an app, a contact centre. Try to be nice and sympathetic to your mum that it was a difficult situation and there are easier options for all of you. Do not get angry with your mum.