Frustrated with friend who is making the worst decisions

[Jazzjazzjazz]

I really just want to share this to see if there’s anything else I can do here. My friend is a single parent, she’s always been a great mother and her child was her world. Last year she met a guy, and he’s completely destroyed her world. A couple of months ago it all came to a head, and she just isn’t listening to reason. She’s not a young mother and she has a good career! The guy is jobless and moved himself in pretty quickly. He’s a drug user and he is always falsely accusing her of things and treating her like crap, and then suddenly they are loves young dream again. Since she met him she’s let her house go, it’s a tip, and I’ve been helping her sort it out because she would make excuses for me to not go round and for us to meet elsewhere so I got suspicious and since then, have been helping her get things in order.

ok so I don’t want you to think I’m looking down on my friend, I’ve been in an abusive relationship myself, but at that time I was a single woman, without kids. I’m upset about this next part, this is what is crushing me. Her ex husband was recently contacted by a mutual friend of theres, who told him enough to make him come over to her house, forcibly remove the child, and he will not give her daughter back to her. Prior to this I didn’t realise her new boyfriend is a drug user, or the extent of his abusive behaviours, I just thought he was a bit of a user and didn't trust him.

The thing is, my friend is more focused on appeasing and “sorting things out” with her boyfriend, than she is on getting her child back! I feel like I don’t know her anymore. She’s ringing me for hours and it’s all about him getting the help he needs and how he’s texting saying he needs her support (she kicked him out) I told her- screw him- keep him far away from this situation, now that social services are involved, you’ll never have custody of your daughter again if you move him back in. He’s manipulating her to live back in and doesn’t seem to care less that he has been a big contributor to her losing her daughter. I just hate this guy so bloody much, I don’t want to listen to her anymore rambling on about his good qualities and how he’s not all bad, it’s like- your daughter is gone!!!! I’ve told her she has a good job, doesn’t take drugs, and she should get her home in order and get her child back, and tell them this guy isn’t even in the picture anymore so there is no safeguarding issue but she seems too thick to understand any of this. I said if she wants to date him (makes me sick to even say it) see him every weekend when her daughter is with her dad, and assure social services that he will never be anywhere near her daughter and she won’t be seeing him in the week. Nope it’s not going in at all. I called her ex with her permission, and he is fully willing to cooperate with coparenting if she just doesn’t have this guy around the daughter. I really don’t want to walk away from a friend in need and I love her but why am I feeling so tearful, resentful, angry, and pissed off whenever she goes on about his stupid guy. Why has this not been the wake up call she needs! I 100% think despite all I’ve said, she’s going to move him back in because he’s been manipulating her so much and she keeps saying “if he moves back in he’ll have to to abc” and I just want to hang up the phone. Her energy should all be going towards getting her daughter back, cleaning her home, talking to her ex- she’s ignored calls from her ex!!! I just don’t get her anymore. Anyone know of any services I can refer her to to help her understand what is at stake here and to help her become stronger because deep down she does know this guy is bad news!

I also have a lot of experience in this field, and so have tried to advise her from a legal perspective, in terms of what she needs to do to move forward. I’ve seen enough cases where women put a man first to know that drugs don’t need to be involved. It is an addiction in itself, and narcissistic abuse and the depression that comes from it is enough to cause poor decision making. On top of that, this type of abuse, and remember she is being abused mentally, financially, and has had suspect injuries that I don’t buy are accidents, - this kind of abuse also come with the side effects of disorganisation with a messy home and other things slipping in their lives. So I’m not going to consider her to be a drug user, because I don’t think that’s what is happening here. Social services were already involved because the dad got in touch with them previously about the state of her home. I’m not going to give them fuel for the fire, regarding things that are not 100% factual, that’s their job, I still continue to hope my friend will have an epiphany and dump this guy.

I think he will step up, and I think he is a nice guy. He also had a lot of family support. He is very loving with his child, but up until now has lived a reasonably self focused life, so my point was, his whole world is now changing and I sincerely hope he understands that. I don’t say that to put him down because not only is he nice, but he loves his child very much. I say it because it’s huge, he doesn’t have a stable career like my friend, he has an active social life, and all that’s going to change now, and I hope it does and his daughter doesn’t just end up staying with family. Either way, at least she is safe.

I fully agree with your thoughts about him getting her pregnant, and also the hoops she will have to jump through to get him back. I can assure you I’m not giving her a script, at first it was advice, the full legal lowdown and discussion on safeguarding, how to essentially show them she is serious and the steps needed to do that. Once I realised her head was more in the boyfriend zone, I realised she’s not a desperate mother willing to do anything to provide a safe environment for her child, I gave her advice for her to sincerely use moving forward. She is not focused on my advice or the steps that I have suggested, if she was, step one was dump the boyfriend.

• the hoops she will have to jump through to get her daughter back

@Jazzjazzjazz just so you know, nothing is said in my post was a criticism of you. FWIW I think your a really great friend who is going out of your way to offer more support than you probably should and continue to do so after all the ignorance, so hats off to you. I do understand your frustrations that nothing you say or do is getting through to her but that is not your fault! I, personally, would take a step back, sort of blend into the background but don't cut her off completely because she will likely need you when the fall comes. Perhaps make it clear one final time where you stand and how you want to support her when shes readh, etc but the topic of her relationship is no longer a discussion you want involvement in because you pretend to be okay whilst she let's this man destroy everything she's built. Go LC or carry on with the current level of friendship, if you wish but for now, prioritise your own sanity and stop sending yourself mad talking to a brick wall 😊

I’ve decided to continue being straight with what I think, If she wants to talk about him she can, I’ll be honest about what I think. I was with an awful guy for half my life and my friends listened to all of that, when they must have wondered what on earth I was doing. I think emotionally I’ve accepted that she is not fighting for her child right now, I’m not angry anymore because it’s her choice, and if she’s not fighting, and if she’s putting anyone else above her child, then her child deserves better right now anyway. I am sad though that as another poster said earlier in the thread, she’s undoing years of hard work and healing, and I really respected her for being a devoted mother, despite not having any example of that, with her mothers death when she was too young to remember, and her father apathy and pursuit of women and booze. She was from a reasonably well off family, but just there wasn’t the love and stability, and she left and cut contact when she was really young. She knows how it feels to be that kid. I can’t force her to do anything, I will listen to her and I will be blunt with her as it’s what she needs right now

Poor little girl must be so confused,wondering what’s come over her Mum

Poor thing. Until I saw the ages and he doesn't have kids I wondered whether she was dating my ex as he sounds just like him and his new gf also moved in with him so quickly and has a daughter the same age!

I think reading why does he do that, and dr ramani's 'it's not you' might help her if she's willing to try

Yes I was thinking of sending her some stuff, I’ve got a whole folder of videos on abuse, the issue is she has hysterically asked me not to make things bad for her by messaging when he is there, so as I have no idea when he is there I’ve been sending generic messages like “are you watching whatever tv programme” and she’s responded “me and (man) just went out for food” etc, so until he’s out of the way we aren’t going to be able to talk properly again. I think now he’s going to stick like a limpet. He always insists she gives the lowdown on every conversation she has, which I find infuriating, it’s so bloody obviously abusive, but now all this has kicked off and she’s clearly let him back in, I think he’s going to be watching her even more closely. Last thing I want is to send a video called “why is he a loser, a dickhead narcissist abusive fuck” and him to be sitting there when it pops up

I was once in a short lived toxic relationship, he messed my head up pretty badly at the time, fortunately I never introduced my dd to him. I had freinds that listened to my rollercoaster situation. Till one day one freind said basically- I love you, but I can't keep listening to this, it's hurting me to watch you keep doing this to yourself. I'm happy to talk about anything else but this. I'm not sure why but all of the advice, listening, support, had nowhere near the same effect on me as this one clear line had. Genuinely, for your own sake primarily and maybe for hers, this is what I'd do in your situation.

(I broke up with him shortly after)

For me I came to the realisation when I saw the gaslighting for exactly what it was, and the physical abuse had started full throttle by that point, I could no longer make excuses for who he was, it didn’t make sense. Something particular happened where I saw a picture of myself when I was younger with all the hope and innocence and I just totally broke down and saw myself from outside of myself if that makes sense. I’m so sad that she’s been entangled like this when we are a bit older now, I hope she will see the light before it’s too late