Frustrated with friend who is making the worst decisions

[Jazzjazzjazz]

I really just want to share this to see if there’s anything else I can do here. My friend is a single parent, she’s always been a great mother and her child was her world. Last year she met a guy, and he’s completely destroyed her world. A couple of months ago it all came to a head, and she just isn’t listening to reason. She’s not a young mother and she has a good career! The guy is jobless and moved himself in pretty quickly. He’s a drug user and he is always falsely accusing her of things and treating her like crap, and then suddenly they are loves young dream again. Since she met him she’s let her house go, it’s a tip, and I’ve been helping her sort it out because she would make excuses for me to not go round and for us to meet elsewhere so I got suspicious and since then, have been helping her get things in order.

ok so I don’t want you to think I’m looking down on my friend, I’ve been in an abusive relationship myself, but at that time I was a single woman, without kids. I’m upset about this next part, this is what is crushing me. Her ex husband was recently contacted by a mutual friend of theres, who told him enough to make him come over to her house, forcibly remove the child, and he will not give her daughter back to her. Prior to this I didn’t realise her new boyfriend is a drug user, or the extent of his abusive behaviours, I just thought he was a bit of a user and didn't trust him.

The thing is, my friend is more focused on appeasing and “sorting things out” with her boyfriend, than she is on getting her child back! I feel like I don’t know her anymore. She’s ringing me for hours and it’s all about him getting the help he needs and how he’s texting saying he needs her support (she kicked him out) I told her- screw him- keep him far away from this situation, now that social services are involved, you’ll never have custody of your daughter again if you move him back in. He’s manipulating her to live back in and doesn’t seem to care less that he has been a big contributor to her losing her daughter. I just hate this guy so bloody much, I don’t want to listen to her anymore rambling on about his good qualities and how he’s not all bad, it’s like- your daughter is gone!!!! I’ve told her she has a good job, doesn’t take drugs, and she should get her home in order and get her child back, and tell them this guy isn’t even in the picture anymore so there is no safeguarding issue but she seems too thick to understand any of this. I said if she wants to date him (makes me sick to even say it) see him every weekend when her daughter is with her dad, and assure social services that he will never be anywhere near her daughter and she won’t be seeing him in the week. Nope it’s not going in at all. I called her ex with her permission, and he is fully willing to cooperate with coparenting if she just doesn’t have this guy around the daughter. I really don’t want to walk away from a friend in need and I love her but why am I feeling so tearful, resentful, angry, and pissed off whenever she goes on about his stupid guy. Why has this not been the wake up call she needs! I 100% think despite all I’ve said, she’s going to move him back in because he’s been manipulating her so much and she keeps saying “if he moves back in he’ll have to to abc” and I just want to hang up the phone. Her energy should all be going towards getting her daughter back, cleaning her home, talking to her ex- she’s ignored calls from her ex!!! I just don’t get her anymore. Anyone know of any services I can refer her to to help her understand what is at stake here and to help her become stronger because deep down she does know this guy is bad news!

Sounds like she's also using drugs, as others have said. So it's a double whammy of DA and also addiction. What drug(s) is it that you know the boyfriend takes?
What a difficult situation. He's latched onto her to fund his addiction and she's let it happen

You call social services.

Your duty is to the child, not your friend. Having a drug user trashing her house is a real danger to the child.

You can call anonymously and stand back ( or support her if you wish) she needs to wake up to the dangers, she needs support and monitoring.

Honestly you've done all you can and she's unwilling to see sense. You know he'll be back in her house next week. Probably pregnant by him by Easter. You can't make her see sense, she'll have to see it by herself.

Show her this post and all the responses. If that doesn't bring her to her senses, nothing will!

Are you sure she is not on drugs as well, it sounds like she is. You have to emotionally detach. Thank God the child is safe with her father.

This sounds like a very wise answer.

All the best OP. What a horrific situation and I'm feeling sick and sad at the thought of it.

Hi,

I'm inclined to agree with other posters that she's also taking drugs. The only thing I know that can make a mother behave so selfishly. Addiction causes such selfishness.

I'm not sure if you know his full name and date of birth but if you do you can get a Clare's Law done on him on her behalf. You won't get the information but the police will go to her house and disclose his criminal record etc. might not help but it's worth a try for a further wake up call surely??

www.met.police.uk/rqo/re

This, with bells on! ^^

If social services are involved are they making any requirement for her to have no access unless that useless bloke is gone?

can you or her ex partner request info under Clare’s Law - it might not make her open her eyes but can be shared with social services to protect the daughter

you are doing to your best to help her but stopping had to come from her. Is she in counselling? She may be in denial that she is repeating her father’s behaviours

Only she can make the decision to leave. Nothing you say or do is going to change anything right now. My advice would be to step back.

If she's someone you care about and don't want to lose, then stay in touch but you need to put boundaries on the friendship - otherwise it's going to suck the life out of you.

I'm not going to keep talking to you about <useless dosser twat>. You are my friend and I care about you, but as long as you stay with him then I am not going to keep talking about him and what he's done. It's your life and your choice, and you know my feelings, but I will be here for you in a heartbeat if you decide to leave him.

I came across a thread on AMA on here by a mum who had lost custody of her children, in this case the abusive man she stood by was their father. It might help shed some light. She did go on to get them back, but it took a long time.

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and I stayed far longer then I should have, father of my kids, out the other side it feels unbelievable, I went through it and it still makes no sense. But if SS had come and said leave or you lose your kids I'd have left in a heartbeat, because one of my fears was the harm he would expose our kids too without me there to protect them so having SS in my corner would have helped me leave.

I can't understand what your friend has done, it's unfathomable to me. There will be a reason she's vulnerable to and unable to see the abuse, what she's been through might explain her behaviour but it doesn't excuse it.

I think the advice to not entertain talk about him is good. I think I'd also say that if she wants support to cut him out of her life I'd be there to support her, but that depends on your own mental resources. I hope the dad is a good man, unfortunately no matter what he does and even if she comes to her senses this will still have harmed her DD a lot. You can't save your friend from this person, you can't save her daughter from the loss of her mother and no one can help your friend unless she gets to the point she actually wants to be free of him and then you can support her to do so. You don't owe her your piece of mind or your mental health, if it gets too much it is ok to step back massively or cut her off completely. Take care of yourself.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4356138-my-kids-were-taken-away-from-me-by-ss-for-5-years-ama?page=1

I think you need to get really cross. Tell her she’s got to choose between either her child or her boyfriend, so which is it? I think I’d have to cut her off if she chose her boyfriend, you don’t want to waste your time listening to endless drivel about him. Tell her the door is always open and to get back in touch when she comes to her senses

Please stop telling her what to say to social services. I am sure you mean well - but let’s be honest - she won’t be dating him at weekends and not letting him stay. She will move him back in, and he will be back in the home with her child. If this happens she will be found out and her child could be harmed.

she can’t have her daughter right now - maybe never again. I’d be a listening friend but leave her to her own devices as right now she can’t be helped until she sees clearly.

There was a news story recently where a man had been drugging his GF surreptitiously. She was unknowingly high while he was around, and on a come down when he wasn’t.

Unsurprisingly she thought she was madly in love.

She is using. No other reason for the messy home etc. He’s her access to drugs.

This. Please don't tell her what she should be saying. If it isn't genuine she is a danger to the child. She is better of with the father.

Nailed it. She doesn't deserve her child if her main focus is a drug addict boyfriend she's known 5 minutes, rather than her child. And why is her house suddenly a tip? She's probably using as well.

Do you think she is taking drugs too? It would perhaps explain a lot.

Just came on to say the same without having read the thread 😊

id bet my house she's using. The sudden personality transplant is a huge red flag for it.disinterest in her child from a previously devoted mother, messy home, obsession over a man she barely knows. drugs change people op, I hate to say it but at the moment it sounds like her daughter is better off with her dad and for now if I were you I would be taking a step back, it's so sad and I can feel how worried you are for your friend and her little girl, keep the door open for her when the shit inevitably hits the fan and she comes to her senses,but for now for your own mental health take a step back ❤️

I would step so far back. The child is safe, well done the father and person who told him.
Your friend is a lost cause, she is not your family leave her to her own devices and get on with your stress free life away from her. Block her she is an adult and has to sort herself out without relying on you.

I wouldn't encourage her to get her child back if her ex is a good dad. Even if she drops this guy she'll always put her sex life first.

She is drinking too much, or taking drugs or severely depressed or mental health issues.
The inability to tidy the house
The denial and the inability to take in the actual scale of the problem.

You type long answers and use a lot of words. All good normally.
But I think your friend needs short short sharp sentences

I've been where you are, didn't realise the scale of the alcohol addiction. It's hard. Be harsh but true now. It's really the best thing to do. I didn't, I bit my tongue and I wish I could turn the clock back.

Your friend isn’t phoning you for support. She’s phoning you to talk about her boyfriend and to tell you all his good qualities. I wouldn’t want someone like this in my life.

You need to take giant step back and STOP facilitating that little girl being returned to her mother. By instructing your friend what to say to SS or being go to between mum and dad you have inserted yourself and your goal seems to be reunion of the child with her mum. This is not in child's best interest so why are you doing this? Your friend is a lost cause, and I don't fancy reading another article about little girl abused or worse by mum and stepdad. She is safe with her dad. Your friend is not a mother anymore, neither she is your friend