So tired of it

[Sotired222]

I have a really difficult relationship and I'm so tired of it.

My husband wouldn't let me sleep until 2am last night. Was getting me doing things. Then had me up at 6am, made me drink a horrible strong coffee to wake me up. Almost anything I say he shouts at me to shut up. Expects me to do everything he says immediately. He's smacked me round the head 3 times today and crushed my hand if I'm not walking fast enough or just say something wrong.

It's just exhausting trying to please him so much but no matter how hard I try I get it wrong. I feel so sick and so tired. I am so miserable. I have no energy or any confidence to make things better. I just feel stuck in this hell forever.

I'm not working due to my mental health. He works from home. So we are together a lot.

Thank you to everyone that has commented. I do appreciate it.

How do you feel about talking to your gp or practice nurse? You can just tell them what you've said here or that you're being hurt at home. You've done really well to talk to the police, I'm sorry it didn't work out OK.

Can you get a part time job, I think it would improve your mental health to be away from him for some part of the day and help grow a feeling of independence

The harsh reality of it is you won’t leave until you’re ready but you should do so.

you could contact women’s aid/ social services a refuge and they’d all step right in to help you. You need to do this to protect your children and yourself but your children their childhoods are being ruined by witnessing this behaviour whether they see it or not they’ll sense it and they’ll realise what kind of man he is.

I can’t sugar coat it because he’ll never change and the more you allow him to do this the further he’ll push and push and push you into someone you can’t even recognise. He’ll slap you round the head this time and then next time he may have his hands round your throat.

as I said at the start you’ll only leave when you are ready but you really really need to find the confidence and use outside agencies to support because they will and you may very well need to build a new life from scratch but in a year two or 5 years you’ll be grateful for it as will your children.

I am so sorry you’re going through this but you need to get all your ducks in a row and get this man out of all of your lives.

Good Im glad you have some money . I cant really add anything others haven’t said already.You dont sound ready to leave , despite the abuse you and your kids are suffering but I sincerely hope you get to that point quickly.

I don't know. I think after reaching out to the police I just feel afraid whatever I do will make things worse.

And as much as I'm scared of my DH, I'm also scared of not being with him. When I think of that I feel really panicky. I don't know why!

How can I make myself ready?

I know you say they'll all step right in to help...but it didn't really feel like that.

Thank you. I hope so too.

I don’t have any advice but I wanted to say that everything you’ve said on this post makes sense. I suspect your husband is who’s making you feel like you don’t make sense, when actually it’s him who’s not behaving “normally”.

I really hope you can find the courage to reach out again. You can report this to your child’s school too, this will trigger immediate support and may help you with making a decision to leave.

Millions of women have left abusive husbands, it’s never simple but it’s possible.

I wish you nothing but safety, happiness and contentment. I hope this comes to you soon x

Things have probably changed a lot since you last tried to involve police. A lot more is known and understood about coercive control now. And keeping your kids safe will be key, so maybe there’s someone at school that could help you? A learning mentor etc who could help you to get the right support.

And the fear about being alone is PART of the abuse, he’s made you feel dependent on him or of course you’d leave. Don’t worry - you’ll be fine. Plenty of women on here have left similarly situations and are thriving without their abuser.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You need outside help from Womens Aid, the police and Solicitors to get away from him. Nothing will otherwise change for you or your kids for the better until you take that first, and often the hardest of steps, out of this abusive marriage. Abuse like this too thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open.

If one of your children as an adult came to you describing all this in their marriage what would your counsel be?. You would surely advise them to put plans in place to leave.

It may well be that you will not need any medication for your mental health once you are away from him. His abuses of you has put you on pills.

Is he the only relationship you've had?. This may be a factor in you being afraid of the unknown. Fear of him, fear of the unknown are two of many reasons why people who are abused stay (well for now at least). I would urge you to feel the fear and leave anyway. He won't make it at all easy for you to leave him because he is abusive. Neither you nor your children are emotionally safe enough to be with him. He actively enjoys the level of power and control he has over you (and in turn the children who are also seeing this within their home so he is abusing them too). It is not your fault he has decided to embark on his own private based war with you; these types of men hate women and ALL of them.

He's torturing you. Sleep deprivation is a torture method. Hurting you secretly is very abusive.

Do your children attend school? You could advise the teacher in charge of safeguarding about what is going on at home, so they can be aware if the children need extra support.

You, and your children, need to be out of there.

Contacting your GP would also be a good idea. They also need to be aware of the real reason why you're on anti depressants - your husband because he is abusing you. There are laws in place now against coercive control and your H will be dealt with by the police.

Are your family at all helpful and or supportive here?. Do you have friends you can turn to?.

Establish a paper trail showing his abuses of you and in turn your kids. He will remain abusive against you for the rest of his days but if you can break free of him the freedom you will receive will be worth it. I would also urge you to keep posting on your thread as well as contacting the Rights of Women as they can give you some legal advice.

https://www.optalert.com/sleep-deprivation-as-a-form-of-torture/

Sleep depravation is used as a form of torture.

It is illegal.
Please please ring the police. Especially at 1/2am when he won't let you sleep.
999 mute the call they will listen trace and come!

That is very kind, thank you.

It's completely understandable that you feel nervous at the thought of being without him, that's very normal. The way he has treated you will have destroyed your confidence and self esteem, but over time and with support you will be able to rebuild it. Your life without him will one day be more happy and free than you can imagine at the moment. One step at a time. It's great that you're here, talking and reading bits of advice. A lot will be from women who have been in your position and understand.

If this was my grown-up child I would have their back and would help them.

I have had one other relationship but it was abusive too. I thought I was so lucky when I met my husband because I thought he was different!!

I tried with the police but it didn't work out. They just rang me back so then he knew I'd rung them.

Did you or he answer the phone when they called back? What was said. Did they attend?

May have depended on what they hurd. When I did it Ex as going crazy in back ground

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, they're 24/7. If you can't talk on the phone Refuge have a webchat service. You can speak to your GP who can refer you to local services.

Thank you for being so encouraging.

I just feel so ashamed of myself. Ashamed for not protecting my children better. Ashamed for being a coward. And also ashamed that I am so bad that I make him angry. I know logically what he is doing is not right...but I feel like it is all my fault.

I answered. But he was there. He spoke to them and told them there was no problem, blamed my mental health so they didn't attend. They would have heard him shouting at me on the 999 call but I don't know, they obviously didn't think it was so bad. They just phoned me to see if everything was OK but I couldn't say in front of him. He didn't let me have my phone after that for quite a while. He will check more now what I am doing and just take my phone from me sometimes in case I waste the police's time again. And he smacked me very hard and punished me a lot after that. It made things a lot worse and I still feel that I really wish I hadn't done it.

He has made you feel ashamed and bad inside, abusers like to have total control over you and twist your mind so you feel like your losing every shred of yourself so you become dependent on them. No wonder your mental health is so bad, he will never change, no matter how much you try to appease him. You have wrote on here so you do recognise there is a problem and you do have support here. Please believe you are not responsible for his abuse, you are as much the victim as your Dc, you will leave when your ready x