FWB question

[helpfriends]

An old friend from 20 years ago has contacted me after the break down of his relationship. He's always had a massive crush on me, we met at university and he pursued me for a while but I wasn't interested back then. I am now. He is a very good looking man and has his pick of the woman. Anyway, he asked if I would see him, that he is up for something fun, that he isn't in the headspace for dating, as he broke up with his girlfriend only two weeks ago, and doesn't want to waste my time.

I am a little disappointed he's been this blunt and crass - I was hoping we would date. I was tempted to tell him that he should process his break up first, then we could see about dating if he feels up to it.

Any thoughts? I would love some fun with this man, he is gorgeous, and it's been a while for me. Will I have any chance of changing a FWB into something more? Or should I tell him we should wait until he's over it and we can look into something more meaningful.

Don't demean yourself. If he's a good, long-standing friend then surely you want to preserve this friendship? If all he's after is a no-strings shag, what does that say about how he sees you?

I’d give this one a swerve. Irrespective of the fact that it feels a bit grim of him to just hit you up for sex 2 weeks after break-up, as if you’re on a list of service providers for things he no longer gets from the ex, I think that the mismatched expectations can only lead to pain and the loss of the friendship in the longer term.

You want more than he has any intention of giving. And he’s unlikely to catch feelings while processing the break-up. You would be cushioning his fall, and maybe the sex would be worth it. But you deserve to be with someone who is properly into you and not just using you instead of a wank sock.

Oooh love. A FWB isn't what you're after. He is. What's going to happen here is you're going to end up with feelings, which might have already have started going by what you've written, and he isn't. There's only one person whose going to get hurt here and isn't him.

So I should tell him I like him too much for a FWB and let's date when he feels up to it?

No. He isn’t interested in dating. He may not ‘feel up to it’ down the line, and if he does, it may not be with you. He wants a shag now, that’s all.

So what do you suggest? I politely decline and say nothing?

No, he's been very clear what he's offering. You might tempt him into fudging it or lying to you to get laid.

Up to you how polite you want to be, but yes.

My marriage started with a NSA hook up that turned into regular hook ups/FWB, then a relationship and now marriage. I didn't know him too well when we first hooked up so it might have been harder if I was invested already (as you are) but there's no rule to say that FWB never turns serious!

Why be particularly polite? You think he's been disappointingly crass and blunt, don't you?

I think I'd probably reply with laughing emoji and "thanks for the, um, not so very flattering offer but not up for rebound sex."

Let him work for it if he wants something with you.

I mean, if he’s so gorgeous and could have anyone he wants, and is crass and selfish enough to get in touch with an old friend asking for a temporary shagging situation because he feels like it, chances are when he gets back to properly dating he’ll be after women 10+ years younger.

Don’t demean yourself for this prick.

Avoid, dodge, obfuscate, don’t spell out you want sth more serious, just decline in an understanding, playful manner, and see how he is in 6 months, 1 year if you like the guy, let him go through his phase

”wish you plenty of rebound fun, but it won’t be with me, x”

Not sure I would want more with someone who just viewed me as a rebound f**k buddy!!

Says so much about his view of you. And yes, these things can (occasionally) progress to more, but more likely than not, you’ll get hurt when he ditches you for a relationship whilst you hoped for more.

I wouldn’t care about being polite with my response to him either!

I would tell him I’m not that sort of girl, but that if he would like to take me on a date when he’s ready I’d be open to it. But most men who want friends with benefits aren’t usually good boyfriend or husband material.

decline decline decline

but, do it in a lighthearted bright and breezy 'well this is a shock, it's not really my style, maybe some other time' kind of way.

That way you've said no but left the door open a little for a future date in case he grows up a bit

I don't know why people wouldn't say what they want, especially when he's been blunt about what he wants. No, FWB won't turn into something more. Tell him you're not interested in that, but he should call you once he's in a place to date seriously again.

No. Do you really want to date a man who’s hitting on old friends to get his dick wet after a fortnight being single?

He’s not looking at you as a partner, he’s reaching out to see who’s up for a shag. Sorry but you’re probably on a list of potential FWB he’s approached

Tell him you're not interested in being a non paid hooker and to go elsewhere. He sounds like a dick

Tell him thanks but no thanks.

Non paid hooker? What a vile comment. Do you believe that women can't benefit from casual sex in their own rights?

Your post is missing a key fact: when was the last time you told him you weren't after a relationship with him.

If it was back in university then your analysis is probably right.

But if it was more recent, or if he's tried a few times and you're never been interested then there's a chance that the whole 'I'm not after anything serious' is for your benefit because he thinks you'll reject him if he says anything else. His crass and blunt tone might be his attempt at keeping it light and face-preserving.

(Still not necessarily a good idea. But don't write off that interpretation if it might fit).

I'd tell him - in no uncertain terms! - how offensive his suggestion is. He's basically just saying that you're a nice, warm hole for him to get his jollies with.

What kind of friend does that make him? Surely he must realise that he has been massively inappropriate, never mind crass and insulting?

And then I'd avoid like the plague.

Don't do that! He's been completely honest about what he wants and it's not what you want - don't think you can change his mind!

And I certainly wouldn't be suggesting that you date when he's ready unless you want to get led up the garden path, either.

So I don’t tell him what I want?