Page 3 | FWB question

helpfriends · 2025-01-10T14:43:01+00:00

An old friend from 20 years ago has contacted me after the break down of his relationship. He's always had a massive crush on me, we met at university and he pursued me for a while but I wasn't interested back then. I am now. He is a very good looking man and has his pick of the woman. Anyway, he asked if I would see him, that he is up for something fun, that he isn't in the headspace for dating, as he broke up with his girlfriend only two weeks ago, and doesn't want to waste my time. I am a little disappointed he's been this blunt and crass - I was hoping we would date. I was tempted to tell him that he should process his break up first, then we could see about dating if he feels up to it. Any thoughts? I would love some fun with this man, he is gorgeous, and it's been a while for me. Will I have any chance of changing a FWB into something more? Or should I tell him we should wait until he's over it and we can look into something more meaningful.

category12 · 10/01/2025 19:12

helpfriends · 10/01/2025 17:40

I could have had him 20 years ago if I wanted 😅 I’m not love struck at all

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But you are talking about trying to convert a suggested no-strings shagging arrangement into something "meaningful". 😐

He broke up with his girlfriend 2 weeks ago.
He's on the rebound.
He's obviously going through his "little black book" looking for easy sex.
As @VoltaireMittyDream suggests, he may be aiming to complete his failed teenage quest.

If you just wanted a shag, I'd be saying go ahead, have fun - but with the hope of it going somewhere, nope, you'd be silly.

gamerchick · 10/01/2025 19:14

Don't do it. When he's moved on from his breakup it'll crush you.

It's a fucking insult anyway. He's booty calling you! Creep, who does that?!

SayyestotheDog · 10/01/2025 19:22

OP you're flattered he's good looking & you're craving attention & have always fancied him. But he is asking can he shag you for a bit & then fuck off? Once he's bored/gone back to his ex:hooked up w/someone else. That's it. And he wants you to be grateful that he thought of you to treat this way. Like he can't even be bothered to meet /go through the hassle of finding someone new to do this with. He knows you've always fancied him so you're a sure thing & he doesn't even have to go through the rigmarole of trying to charm/woo/date/seduce/meet someone new.
This bar is too low. Please don't accept it!!

CheesePerlease · 10/01/2025 19:31

Just nope

NeedsMustNet · 10/01/2025 20:40

What is your recent relationship history?

I would - especially as he was your friend - just be honest. And say that you like him and find him attractive. However at this stage of life you are more interested in spending time with someone who is open to dates that might lead to something less casual than no strings attached meets.

NeedsMustNet · 10/01/2025 20:44

NeedsMustNet · 10/01/2025 20:40

What is your recent relationship history?

I would - especially as he was your friend - just be honest. And say that you like him and find him attractive. However at this stage of life you are more interested in spending time with someone who is open to dates that might lead to something less casual than no strings attached meets.

Scrap “less causal” and say “with more depth”.
And that you’re happy to hear from him and hope that the end of his relationship has left him feeling OK.
If you’re curious to know more, ask him a question.
Or ask him if he has any friends who are single and dating, and looking for a relationship!
I think it’s OK to keep the chat going for a bit before you decide that NSA is really what he is interested by.

NeedsMustNet · 10/01/2025 20:47

One of my ex university boyfriends once asked me for a NSA meet up, years later.

Because I knew him very well, knew I broke his heart at university and could see he was nervous I knew he was just saying he wanted a NSA meet to get under my radar. (I said “no” .. didn’t want to hurt his feelings!) But it’s much easier to know this in an IRL meeting.

Pinkbonbon · 10/01/2025 20:48

'I'm not looking for that kind of arrangement with anyone'.

Never enter a fwb hoping to turn it into something more. Firstly, because it's dishonest. Secondly, because it's probably not going to happen and you'll end up resenting him for it even though he's not the one who is dishonest about their intentions. Thirdly, because he might cotton on and mess with your feelings as many men who want fwb are all about the ego boost. Its not 'just fun', it's about being put on a pedestal. He may even know you like him tbh.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/01/2025 20:54

Just decline politely. I don't think you and he will become an item. I'd start dating others. And bin any idea of this one.

Chipolataloolaa · 10/01/2025 21:40

To be honest, there’s not really enough information here. Have you been friends throughout the last 20 years or have you not seen him for 20 years? Has he been with somebody for the last 20 years or was he not with her for very long? You say he split up with her two weeks ago… If it was a long relationship then tapping up a friend for a shag that quickly is very shallow so please give us more info. I feel you’re being judged harshly because people are missing information?

Starsandall · 10/01/2025 22:54

Tell him to come back when he’s ready to date at least 6 months!

MissSookieStackhouse · 10/01/2025 23:10

category12 · 10/01/2025 15:26

Why be particularly polite? You think he's been disappointingly crass and blunt, don't you?

I think I'd probably reply with laughing emoji and "thanks for the, um, not so very flattering offer but not up for rebound sex."

Let him work for it if he wants something with you.

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This post sums it up perfectly.

Interesting that 20 years ago you could have had him by clicking your fingers, but now he thinks he has what it takes to make you dance to his tune. How has this shift in dynamics come about? Take back the power and make him work harder for you if you want an actual relationship with him, rather than just a rebound shag.

PromiseNotToCall · 11/01/2025 01:18

He doesn't want a relationship with you. Remove this notion from your mind. If you want to have sex with him, go for it and switch your emotions OFF. You'll be a convenient hook-up for him. Use him for sex or have him spend money on you.

Why not find a man who wants a relationship?

PierceMorgansChin · 11/01/2025 08:36

MissSookieStackhouse · 10/01/2025 23:10

This post sums it up perfectly.

Interesting that 20 years ago you could have had him by clicking your fingers, but now he thinks he has what it takes to make you dance to his tune. How has this shift in dynamics come about? Take back the power and make him work harder for you if you want an actual relationship with him, rather than just a rebound shag.

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20 years ago they were different people. Perhaps childless and they both (or one of them) have children now. If he is so good looking in his 40ties or 50ties let's say he knows its easy for him to get women and doesn't want to be tied down in relationship, he's only interested in sex.

Matildahoney · 11/01/2025 08:46

If this was the other way round the man would be getting absolutely flamed!
If you don't want someone at their worst you don't deserve them at their best! It also sounds incredibly shallow to say now he's good looking and can have his pick of women that you're interested!

Postmanplod · 11/01/2025 08:55

I always find it interesting the way women think about situations like this.

if this happened to me as a bloke I would be over there like a shot, having a bit a of fun and accepting whatever happened after.

winter8090 · 11/01/2025 08:56

I'd the really polite and tell him FWB isn't your thing.

But tell him you'd be more than happy to catch up as friends. Give it time and maybe it'll develop into more.

This will also allow you to find out whether it's just sex he wants.

Planesmistakenforstars · 11/01/2025 08:57

He is only interested in sex. He isn't interested in a relationship with you. If you tell him you want a relationship with him then he will tell you what you want to hear because he knows that's the price of entry and he can tick you off a list. He is messaging all the women he thinks he can get easy sex from. One of those, among many, is you. That should give you an idea of how he sees you, because him actually telling you doesn't seem to be enough.

RedRock41 · 11/01/2025 08:58

Be the one that got away. So disrespectful to be an ego boost and notch for him. Absolutely do not demean yourself. You are worth more than that. Maybe reply and say hope things work out but I don’t do casual flings (word better!).

PicaK · 11/01/2025 09:02

He's looking for easy sex. With anyone. He'll be on every free dating app going. He's baulked at paying to join the good dating apps.
You're an easy target.
Don't demean yourself.
He's not a bad person, he's just got a stage to go through.
Don't be part of it though. Because he will move on and you will feel terribly used.
Laugh and say no chance mate.

PierceMorgansChin · 11/01/2025 09:03

Matildahoney · 11/01/2025 08:46

If this was the other way round the man would be getting absolutely flamed!
If you don't want someone at their worst you don't deserve them at their best! It also sounds incredibly shallow to say now he's good looking and can have his pick of women that you're interested!

This quote about deserving at their best is the ultimate cringe, it's like live laugh love or wine o clock. It's something 16 year old with BPD would say. It is attributed to Marilyn Monroe and used on every second dating profile and it reads : I should be allowed to act like an arsehole. Anyway, OP saying she could have this man by clicking her fingers 20 years ago is a bit off don't you think. And imagine man saying this, he would be getting absolutely flamed

Chipolataloolaa · 11/01/2025 09:24

Postmanplod · 11/01/2025 08:55

I always find it interesting the way women think about situations like this.

if this happened to me as a bloke I would be over there like a shot, having a bit a of fun and accepting whatever happened after.

There are women that think like that as well, I don’t think it’s a gender thing. I think it’s a feelings issue. She has talked about wanting something, although I don’t really understand where that is coming from or why particularly because there’s not enough background. I’m sure if she wasn’t bothered either way she’d be round there like a shot as many people would. please don’t make gender based generalisations it’s really irritating.. and also niaive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2025 09:34

Do not allow yourself to be used like this because he will drop you like a hot brick. He is not the person you thought he was.

BingoLarge · 11/01/2025 09:45

Postmanplod · 11/01/2025 08:55

I always find it interesting the way women think about situations like this.

if this happened to me as a bloke I would be over there like a shot, having a bit a of fun and accepting whatever happened after.

I think it’s a “knowing yourself” thing. There are men and women who could cope fine with no strings sex (even if they’d like it to turn into more). There are men and women who would be unable to detach their emotions and would end up getting extremely hurt. The key is to know which you are and act accordingly.

Possibly proportionately more men are in one group and more women in the other, but it’s definitely not an absolute rule.

TwistedWonder · 11/01/2025 10:04

BingoLarge · 11/01/2025 09:45

I think it’s a “knowing yourself” thing. There are men and women who could cope fine with no strings sex (even if they’d like it to turn into more). There are men and women who would be unable to detach their emotions and would end up getting extremely hurt. The key is to know which you are and act accordingly.

Possibly proportionately more men are in one group and more women in the other, but it’s definitely not an absolute rule.

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Totally agree I know I need a connection first so NSA isn’t for me. I have friends who could have sex with someone they met 10 minutes ago without batting an eyelid. It’s different people and knowing what works for them.