FWB question

[helpfriends]

An old friend from 20 years ago has contacted me after the break down of his relationship. He's always had a massive crush on me, we met at university and he pursued me for a while but I wasn't interested back then. I am now. He is a very good looking man and has his pick of the woman. Anyway, he asked if I would see him, that he is up for something fun, that he isn't in the headspace for dating, as he broke up with his girlfriend only two weeks ago, and doesn't want to waste my time.

I am a little disappointed he's been this blunt and crass - I was hoping we would date. I was tempted to tell him that he should process his break up first, then we could see about dating if he feels up to it.

Any thoughts? I would love some fun with this man, he is gorgeous, and it's been a while for me. Will I have any chance of changing a FWB into something more? Or should I tell him we should wait until he's over it and we can look into something more meaningful.

Because a woman’s body releases oxytocin when she has sex—this hormone attaches her emotionally to that man. OP is in for a world of hurt if she allows this, with her intentions not aligning with his.

To be fair, he doesn't want to 'use' her, he just wants to have sex with her. He's been completely honest about that.

It's possible to not be into FWB situations without the moral outrage.

If she was just looking for fun, a FWB thing would be fine. But she knows already she wants more than that, so she's likely to get her feelings hurt.

Also, I think a difference between the sexes when it comes to sex is the "orgasm gap". Blokes are (more or less) guaranteed an orgasm. Women, not so much.

So a bloke may happily go running after a "bit of fun" thinking even if it's bad sex, it'll probably be good enough to get him off. Whereas for women if it's bad sex, it may be into the range of painful and unpleasant.

As a woman who doesn't associate sex with love, so would I. But many women do.

And as for a 'bit of fun'. It's not quite the same for women as it is for men. You have your tail played with a little bit and you're happy as a pig in shit. The chance of a woman being sexually fulfilled during a ONS or a bit of fun is far lower than is it for men. Because many men shoot their shot and then can't be arsed to reload, because they're selfish or they simply are just not very good!

It's possible to not be into FWB situations without the moral outrage.

No moralising from me, I can assure you. But it's clear that the OP doesn't want something just based on sex - she's looking for more than that. And he's made it clear that he's not offering a relationship.

‘Nigel, thanks for the tempting offer of a rebound, no-strings-attached shag, but I’m going to pass. PS. Another time, try not to sound quite so transactional. It’s deeply unattractive.’

Sorry - posted on the wrong thread!

I’ve had a couple of very happy longish term FWB situations. It’s not at all ‘moral outrage’ territory for me. The difference is that this was what I wanted.

Some women would do the same. Not all men (though probably a lot) would do what you're proffering.

This particular woman writing here doesn't want that though.

Is this the correct thread....? 😆

Ah @BIWI just seen your other comment.

I'm tempted by cheeseburger casserole though.

Not in my experience. When I’ve had an enjoyable ONS and was leaving in the morning and being friendly but also very clear that I wasn’t exchanging numbers or had any desire to see them again, a lot of men seemed unable to deal with that*. I find men on balance way more sentimental. It’s only the fact that they’re often so inarticulate about it that’s given rise to generalisations about male unfeelingness around sex.

*In some cases, it was clear that they were bemused I wasn’t playing my part in the script, where I was supposed to want it to be a relationship, rather than just some nice sex.

Yes I'd probably do that -if single and I fancied him.

I also would anyway want a bit of wooing from anyone I was considering having a fwb relationship with before we did the deed! A few catch ups first! See if there was a spark there.

@MeltingSky I've asked for it to be deleted, but MNHQ haven't got round to it yet.

@VoltaireMittyDream

How did you handle it?

If you can see him also as a FWB then fine but they rarely end well and less end up being actual partners

I talk from experience on both sides of the fence having my heart broken and then doing it to someone else in return who I saw as friend material only and then I lost that friend

I just laughed and said that was sweet and I needed to be getting back home.

A key difference between my situation and OP’s was that I didn’t fancy my friend. I was also married. So there was zero temptation on my part.

But it did make me lose respect for him - it seemed a bit sad, really.

He's been clear that what he wants is sex. You want more, a relationship of sorts.

He broke up with his GF a mere 2 weeks ago. He might have hopes of getting back together with her. You are overinvested here.

Men will likely say they DON'T know what they want; however, they KNOW what they can get. OP already knows what is on the agenda.

You are looking for a relationship; he is not. It is a recipe for disaster.