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Original poster

FWB question

96 replies

helpfriends · 10/01/2025 14:43

An old friend from 20 years ago has contacted me after the break down of his relationship. He's always had a massive crush on me, we met at university and he pursued me for a while but I wasn't interested back then. I am now. He is a very good looking man and has his pick of the woman. Anyway, he asked if I would see him, that he is up for something fun, that he isn't in the headspace for dating, as he broke up with his girlfriend only two weeks ago, and doesn't want to waste my time.

I am a little disappointed he's been this blunt and crass - I was hoping we would date. I was tempted to tell him that he should process his break up first, then we could see about dating if he feels up to it.

Any thoughts? I would love some fun with this man, he is gorgeous, and it's been a while for me. Will I have any chance of changing a FWB into something more? Or should I tell him we should wait until he's over it and we can look into something more meaningful.

OP posts:
U53rName · 10/01/2025 16:49

helpfriends · 10/01/2025 16:48

So I don’t tell him what I want?

Show quote history

No. He might lie to get you to become his FWB under false pretences. There are some good replies upthread.

Original poster
helpfriends · 10/01/2025 16:51

U53rName · 10/01/2025 16:49

No. He might lie to get you to become his FWB under false pretences. There are some good replies upthread.

Show quote history

So I just leave it…and see how things unfold in future? Sorry to sound dim, I am new to all of this

OP posts:
BIWI · 10/01/2025 16:56

@helpfriends he wants a no-strings fuck. You want a relationship.

Ne'er the twain shall meet!

You could tell him that you'd rather wait for a relationship with him, but - frankly - he's already made his agenda clear. And as @U53rName has said, he could just agree to that in the interests of getting his end away.

Avoid like the plague. Personally I'd tell him exactly how he's made me feel, and that it's made you view your friendship very differently.

VoltaireMittyDream · 10/01/2025 16:56

helpfriends · 10/01/2025 16:51

So I just leave it…and see how things unfold in future? Sorry to sound dim, I am new to all of this

Show quote history

Yes. And don’t have any expectation of things unfolding in any way in future.

Turn down his offer, unless you are genuinely 100% happy with casual sex that goes nowhere, until he ends the arrangement having found someone he considers ‘wife material’.

If you say you want more than just sex, he’ll make whatever promises he thinks will get you into bed. And then proceed as FWB until he finds someone he wants a relationship with.

Please, heed the advice of MNers who’ve seen a thing or two.

MayaPinion · 10/01/2025 16:56

You tell him, ‘I’m not interested in being a consolation FWB prize and if you just want to fuck around you can go elsewhere. Once you get it out of your system and get over your break up come and talk to me about dating’

Fiery30 · 10/01/2025 17:01

It depends on what you want really. He has been upfront he wants some fun with you. If I had a massive crush on someone and they got in touch with me, I'd be open to meet for coffee/dinner and see what happens. But if you are set on dating and nothing else, then you could just tell him that aren't interested in something casual.

itsparklesitshines · 10/01/2025 17:09

I would go for it. But hey ho, I'm perhaps more inclined than most to throw caution to the wind. I might indicate that I think could it develop into more though

BingoLarge · 10/01/2025 17:14

Going into fwb wanting more is a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. I know the temptation is to think that maybe once you’re sleeping together he’ll realise he wants more (a friend of mine calls this the Magic Fanny myth- that you can make a man like you by sleeping with him) but in reality the likelihood is that he wants exactly what he’s told you he wants.

I would just say in a friendly way that you’re not interested in a casual arrangement and leave it at that. Or do the casual thing if you want but eyes open.

MayaPinion · 10/01/2025 17:18

The thing is, if you choose to go FWB you are reducing by 99% the chances of a proper relationship. He’ll go on to his next relationship after he gets through with the FWB.

northernlight20 · 10/01/2025 17:20

With respect op, you sound like a love struck teen who can’t believe her luck, that this ‘prince’ wants to hook up and shag you. It’s clearly not what you want, so tell him to bugger off in no uncertain terms. And find ways to improve your self esteem, cos it comes across as you are desperate and he prob knows you like him.

TwistedWonder · 10/01/2025 17:23

You can tell him you’ll wait til he’s ready for a relationship but are you ok with waiting in the wings while he’s out dipping his wick into a selection of willing FWB?

DoYouReally · 10/01/2025 17:34

I would just tell him you are past the days of FWB and anything that's likely to cause you more annoyance than happiness. Tell him he may want/need a FWB until he gets previous relationship but that won't be you.

Then you forget about him unless he contacts you again in well over 6 months time and has something better to offer.

Never accept crumbs when you want the entire cake.

Mischance · 10/01/2025 17:39

Two weeks and he is looking for a hole? - hmmm .... He doesn't sound much of a catch and he certainly isn't on the same page as you. Avoid.

Original poster
helpfriends · 10/01/2025 17:40

northernlight20 · 10/01/2025 17:20

With respect op, you sound like a love struck teen who can’t believe her luck, that this ‘prince’ wants to hook up and shag you. It’s clearly not what you want, so tell him to bugger off in no uncertain terms. And find ways to improve your self esteem, cos it comes across as you are desperate and he prob knows you like him.

I could have had him 20 years ago if I wanted 😅 I’m not love struck at all

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 10/01/2025 17:56

I would decline if I were you. As you say, he's been quite crass. It sounds as though he's after some no strongs fun and would then drop you again. Leaving you feeling demeaned, disappointed, hopes dashed. And your friendship spoiled (although if I'm honest, I'm not sure a true friend would ask for no strings sex).

I'd decline. You don't have to explain why, but if you want you could say that you're disappointed that's how he sees you, and leave it at that.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 10/01/2025 17:59

Make him want you, say no thanks, I am not available for rebound sex.

namechangeGOT · 10/01/2025 18:07

I could have had him 20 years ago if I wanted 😅 I’m not love struck at all

@helpfriends

But it's not 20 years ago anymore! Dating is entirely different to being a FWB. And a FWB in your 20s is different to being one in your 40s! How would you feel, on your 10th 'date' if he tells you about the other 3 FWB's he's been having sex with? Will that be okay? After all, you're only friends.

I'm not saying these things to be facetious, it's to keep you from getting hurt!

No33 · 10/01/2025 18:17

Tbh I would find that incredibly offensive.

2 weeks after a break up he wants to use you for sex.

Dobbythechristmaself · 10/01/2025 18:20

I’d say …I love a good shag as much as anyone but NSA is not my style, and is pretty insulting to be honest, so you’ll have to find someone else.

Iloveyoubut · 10/01/2025 18:22

Don’t do it. You can only be with the man he’s telling you he is. Don’t fall in love with the potential that he’ll change. He won’t if he doesn’t need to and to be honest it’s pretty horrible that he’s said that to you, it’s very transactional. Stand your ground and say you like him but no, because you’re looking for something more. If he’s really interested he’ll be back and you’ll get what you want. If he’s not and you agree to this you will never, ever get what you want from him commitment wise and it’ll hurt. I’ve done it. And I truly thought I was the exception. Nope. Know your worth and make sure he knows it too, that’s the best chance you’ve got in my opinion.

Iloveyoubut · 10/01/2025 18:24

namechangeGOT · 10/01/2025 18:07

I could have had him 20 years ago if I wanted 😅 I’m not love struck at all

@helpfriends

But it's not 20 years ago anymore! Dating is entirely different to being a FWB. And a FWB in your 20s is different to being one in your 40s! How would you feel, on your 10th 'date' if he tells you about the other 3 FWB's he's been having sex with? Will that be okay? After all, you're only friends.

I'm not saying these things to be facetious, it's to keep you from getting hurt!

Yes or worse that he can’t ’hook up’ anymore because he’s ’met someone’. He’s testing your boundaries right now, stay strong. I wish someone had told me that.

Iloveyoubut · 10/01/2025 18:34

northernlight20 · 10/01/2025 17:20

With respect op, you sound like a love struck teen who can’t believe her luck, that this ‘prince’ wants to hook up and shag you. It’s clearly not what you want, so tell him to bugger off in no uncertain terms. And find ways to improve your self esteem, cos it comes across as you are desperate and he prob knows you like him.

I’d hate to see your ‘without respect’ reply!

VoltaireMittyDream · 10/01/2025 18:37

OP, I met with an old school friend some years back. He was a skinny awkward nerd when we knew each other at 15. Now he’s a successful musician and composer (not super famous or anything, but makes a decent living, wins awards, etc).

We had dinner together when he was on tour in my city, and had a lovely time - he was ever so charming. And after a couple of glasses of wine he put his hand on mine and gave me a meaningful look and told me how he’d always pined after me when we were teens.

And I suddenly saw that the whole reason he’d got in touch with me was so he could complete his teenage quest of shagging the unattainable girl - but now he’d have the upper hand, as I was a middle aged suburban mum and he was a worldly artiste with plenty of 20-year-old music student fans hanging around wherever he went. He could turn me from unrequited love interest to insignificant notch on his bedpost, and feel better about himself.

It was a power thing - a putting women in their place thing.

I suspect something similar is going on in your situation, OP. Don’t let yourself be used this way.

northernlight20 · 10/01/2025 19:04

helpfriends · 10/01/2025 17:40

I could have had him 20 years ago if I wanted 😅 I’m not love struck at all

Show quote history

20yrs ago, you weren’t interested. Now, 2 weeks after he’s broken up with his girlfriend, you are questioning whether you should and how to let him down cos you don’t want to. I would block him for the crass way he’s messaged for a start and make other friends!

PierceMorgansChin · 10/01/2025 19:07

helpfriends · 10/01/2025 17:40

I could have had him 20 years ago if I wanted 😅 I’m not love struck at all

Show quote history

But that was then. Now he doesn't want a relationship with you, you're only in his eyes good for a casual shag. Have some pride and tell him to bugger off