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Original poster

DH says our sex life is too boring

84 replies

CaMouse · 08/01/2025 13:57

DH and I are mid 40’s, been together since we were 19.

He said last night that he finds our sex life unsatisfactory as we don’t do some of the less vanilla things that we used to do. I’m not going to give specifics of those obviously, but it’s nothing I’ve ever not enjoyed.

The problem is that my libido has plumbing in peri-menopause and I’m not allowed to take HRT. I don’t climax as easily as I used to. Something I have sex purely to keep the emotional closeness going.

What do we do about the discrepancy in sexual needs?

OP posts:
itsmeagainandagainandagain · 08/01/2025 14:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 08/01/2025 14:27

Emotional closeness is one good reason I think

smithey85 · 08/01/2025 14:29

You talk about your needs together and try and find a compromise. If you can't come to a compromise then you need to decide if you are BOTH happy to continue your marriage as it is, or whether a lack of satisfactory sex is the overriding factor of you splitting up.

Pretty simple really.

Original poster
CaMouse · 08/01/2025 17:50

It sounds simple @smithey85 , but I’m annoyed with him for bringing it up on a day when he knew I was knackered from a bad night’s sleep and starting a new job.

He mentioned underwear, which we have already talked about and I have made clear that what my feelings are.

We’ve not seen each other since breakfast and I’m resentful that I’ve got to deal with this tonight when I’d rather decompress.

OP posts:
BleachedJumper · 08/01/2025 17:52

He would like you to wear sexy underwear and you don’t feel comfortable with that?

I do get that when you’re a busy person, the whole idea of being a sexy caricature and performing is just another chore on a to do list, and it’s really not appealing.

Claire903 · 08/01/2025 17:59

He should have picked a better time to discuss it. However at least he feels like be can talk about it. What is other aspects of your relationship like?

Custardslices · 08/01/2025 18:02

Underwear isn't a big ask from him but if your hearts not in it, it's not in it which is fine.

I'd ignore this tonight decompress and talk to him with how your feeling see where you both go forward from here.

Tittibits · 08/01/2025 18:03

Sexy underwear is an easy win really by comparison with some of the horrors we see on here.

i understand that it is probably at the start of his list. Porn has a lot to answer for, but I can’t understand why grown men don’t appreciate that porn is not real life. They will be complaining they can’t fly next!

jay55 · 08/01/2025 18:04

Can you tell him you agree it needs discussion but can it be on the weekend when you're less frazzled.

beetr00 · 08/01/2025 18:07

@Tittibits "Sexy underwear is an easy win really by comparison with some of the horrors we see on here."

Why the hell should it be if a partner doesn't want to?

Original poster
CaMouse · 08/01/2025 18:17

I’m happy to wear sexy underwear, only not things like basques and suspenders that are a faff to put on. He knows this.

Our relationship is otherwise good.

I’m as certain as I can be that he doesn’t watch porn.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 08/01/2025 18:37

Have you investigated all possibilities regarding hrt, OP? I am assuming the rest of your relationship is well and your lack of libido is peri and no other reason and you would like to have it return. If sex is uncomfortable you can normally use localised oestrogen if you can't have full hrt. I wonder if testosterone would be a possibility too.

theallotmentqueen · 08/01/2025 18:39

You shouldn't have sex when you don't want to have sex. Ever. It's not healthy or good for you, and can lead to a lot of messed up feelings inside. Sex is a lovely shared process between two people who both want to be there, it's not something you 'owe' to anyone.

I do get that being rejected sexually can be painful. I've definitely had times where I've been really into something and my partner hasn't been, or I've wanted to have sex when my partner hasn't. So I do understand that being rejected sucks and makes you feel a bit unwanted. But at the end of the day: tough luck. Although it hurt when my partner rejected me, I was a grown adult about it and said, 'that's totally cool'. I didn't show that I was hurt b/c that isn't fair - it wasn't their fault that they weren't into it, and expressing a lot of hurt/sulking after being rejected can put a lot of pressure on someone to have sex even when they don't want to. So your husband, with all respect to him, needs to grow up about this and not pressure you. You don't want to have sex, end of. If he wants emotional closeness, you guys can cuddle together.

KARLLargerfield · 08/01/2025 18:42

Who says you have to have acrobatic in costume sex this very night?
It's great he had the talk with you, many husbands don't communicate.

LushLemonTart · 08/01/2025 18:43

Yes oestrogen gel you insert should help.

It's good you're both open to discussion. You often hear if people having affairs out of the blue.

Do you have dcs at home? Maybe book a night away?

You should talk to your GP if your libido is low and it's affecting your relationship.

3luckystars · 08/01/2025 18:45

He does watch it. It sounds like he is asking for just a small effort but you are exhausted and your heart isn’t really in it.

I just wanted to wish you all the best. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.

Original poster
CaMouse · 08/01/2025 18:49

I’d love to get my libido back. I spoke to my GP last summer. She checked with the hospital I was treated for breast cancer at- they said absolutely no HRT. My testosterone levels were normal.

We have sex 2-3 times a week. I’m really making an effort to suggest it or be up for it when he does. That’s why I’m upset at what he said. I thought I was trying, but apparently it’s not good enough.

We’ve got an 11yo.

OP posts:
rwalker · 08/01/2025 18:51

I’d take it as a positive you can talk about it

3luckystars · 08/01/2025 18:53

2 or 3 times a week!!! He can piss off so 😁

Scout2016 · 08/01/2025 18:53

Is the new job a promotion or something that is taking your attention away from him? Or giving him more house chores, or you are meeting more people / men and blossoming somehow? The timing of the chat is a bit odd and some men don't like women taking a step up in life.

3luckystars · 08/01/2025 18:54

2/3 times A WEEK!! How would you even get time to get changed!!! Doesn’t he realise how much else you have to do??

He is hilarious 😂

LushLemonTart · 08/01/2025 18:54

@CaMouse I think that's wrong re the gel. I'd ask to see a menopause specialist.

LushLemonTart · 08/01/2025 18:55

I must admit reading it's 2 or 3 times a week is a bit surprising.

Also the timing did seem strange. Keep your eyes open @CaMouse .

Vignetta · 08/01/2025 18:57

Maybe you need to focus on your own pleasure. If it's quantity not quality he probably feels you aren't into it and wants to try new things to find something that makes you excited to have sex again more than him being bored with having sex with you. I would read some spicy romance novels - for your sake, not his, because it's a big thing to lose interest in - and work out what's thrilling for you.

rainythursdayontheavenue · 08/01/2025 18:58

Bloody hell, I'd feel incredibly pissed off if our sex life was as regular as yours and he was complaining.

Sex isn't about acrobatics, stupid outfits, or porn video worthy action - it's intimacy between two people who love each other. Whatever form that takes.