DH says our sex life is too boring

[CaMouse]

DH and I are mid 40’s, been together since we were 19.

He said last night that he finds our sex life unsatisfactory as we don’t do some of the less vanilla things that we used to do. I’m not going to give specifics of those obviously, but it’s nothing I’ve ever not enjoyed.

The problem is that my libido has plumbing in peri-menopause and I’m not allowed to take HRT. I don’t climax as easily as I used to. Something I have sex purely to keep the emotional closeness going.

What do we do about the discrepancy in sexual needs?

Hi @CaMouse

This sounds like the perfect excuse to both take a day off an go shopping together for the fanciest pants and bra. I’d then surprise him by using the dayuse app to take him straight to a hotel for a try on!

Totally see why you were miffed . Proper bad timing on his part but as above at least he expressed how he felt and was honest and obviously still fancies those pants off you! X

What about viagra. It might help orgasm wise.

There's a better life out there for you than one where you're being pressured and coerced into sex you don't really want. You start not knowing what's 'normal' and what's dysfunctional and unacceptable, your boundaries get blurred - just how far will you go to keep the peace and please your OH? Your self esteem is slowly whittled away because your voice, your feelings, your opinions aren't respected or listened to or cared about, they aren't as important as his. You learn your place.

Nothing gives me the ick more than a sulky man child. Make a list of things HE can do to spice things up in the bedroom, I'm peri too and I'd recommend a bullet vibrator if you don't already have one. He's probably not really interested in spicing things up for you though because otherwise he already would have. Why hasn't he suggested some things to try together? Why is you who has to do the spicing up?

He's just a sulky man child who wants more pornified sex IMO.

So having sex when you don't want to have sex can give people the same psychological effects as SA survivors. I'm not saying that you have to be leaping for joy to have sex every time - you can feel like, 'oh I'm not sure about x thing but lets try it', 'I'm a bit tired but feel ok with this', or even, 'this is a bit boring but it makes me feel happy to see my partner happy'. When it becomes a problem is when you genuinely don't want to do something, and you still do it anyway. For example, when you feel really exhausted, or stressed, or you just really don't enjoy a specific sexual move.

It can technically actually be assault, depending on whether or not your partner believes you to be consenting. For example, you might not want to have sex, but pretend to want to have sex because you hate confrontation. Or you might say, 'yeah sure, I'm a bit tired but this sounds good to me', so telling them that while you aren't massively enthusiastic you're still good with what's going on. This is what I used to do, and while it's a crap situation, it's not SA because my sexual partner genuinely believed I was consenting. However, it still really fucked me up - I'm an assault victim so when I had sex (which I didn't want to have) I was reliving my assault, which traumatised me further.

However, if you've said to your partner, 'I'm not really feeling like sex' and they keep pressuring you ('why not', 'you're a horrible partner for not doing this for me', 'I deserve this', 'come on, it will only take 5 minutes'), then it is actually sexual assault because your sexual partner KNOWS you don't want to have sex, and you're only having sex b/c they keep pressuring you. Basically, it's SA if you've communicated that you don't want to have sex and they keep pushing you. In your case, I'm not saying this for a fact, but if he's unkind to you/sulky/rude to you if you don't sleep with him, this could technically count as sexual coercion (forcing someone into sex through pressure - in this case, the pressure of his negative reaction) depending on how intense his reaction is. It might be worth looking into this?

It's really good that you aren't experiencing any negative symptoms, I'm really glad about that. I still don't think it's a healthy situation to be in, for you. You should enjoy sex as well, and you should feel like you're able to say 'no' without any negative consequence. I really don't want to cause offence or suggest that your partner is abusive, and it could genuinely just be that you aren't communicating. But the phrase 'the household is happier' if you have sex with him did set off alarm bells in my head, so I felt I should say something.

I was going to suggest this.

Is he trying to destabilise you?

Ah just tell him if it's too vanilla you can just spice things up by taking up with a different man 🤭

I can recommend Yes vag moisturiser and lubricant - really good.

Have you said this directly to him, as you have to us here? Sometimes it's like they are blind to the enormous physical journeys we go on.

2 = 3 times a week - this has to be a wind up!

It’s not about the amount though, its sounds from what OP said it’s about what they do/don’t do

I was going to say the same re: both. The localised oestrogen helps the tissues in so many ways & can help with libido too. As for Testosterone, it's the only thing it's officially licensed for women in the UK

Side note but lots of women who were previously told HRT wasn’t suitable are now taking it. My friend had breast cancer and still uses it. My libido was non existent until I started HRT. A menopause specialist might be able to help.

It's 2 - 3 times a week, but it's become boring and predictable, according to OPs husband.

Personally, I cannot stand predictability in sex, its excitement and fun that makes it more enjoyable, otherwise it feels mechanical and no intimacy. That's what the complaint is.

But the reason is that OP doesn't actually enjoy sex the way she used to. Getting aroused is harder, motivation is harder and OP is really going through the motions to please her husband. But Husband can see that.

Instead of talking about it like a loving spouse, with OPs best interests at heart, he has gotten grumpy and sulky.

Which really isn't very sexy!!

OP It sounds like he hasn't really considered your life stage or what you've been through. As you say, he has grown older, but you've been pregnant, given birth, beaten cancer and now menopausal! Is he really so selfish???

He expects YOU to show up for him, but what I'm really seeing here is that HE needs to be showing up for you. He should be:

Supporting you in your new job

Giving you time for rest and play

Giving you what you need in terms of love and intimacy

Showering you with no strings attached affection

Pulling his weight more

Maybe surprising you with gifts or trips/experiences

At this point, he should be wooing you, as though you are a new couple, because this is a new you emerging! He may find he is not as attractive as he used to be if he continues!

GPS are notoriously ill informed about HRT.

Pretty much all HRT avaible now is body identical and not artificial.

You should still be able to have Testosterone gel and vaginal Oestrogen.

Take a look at the Balance Menopause website - brilliant evidence based information, including specifically for those who gave been treated for Breast Cancer. Both the specific fact sheets and the podcasts (with worldwide oncology experts) on this subject are first class.

Agree!!!!

I thought you needed to be on systemic HRT before you could be given testosterone?

Just to say that Balance Menopause is run by Newson Health and not everyone is a fan

Dr Liz O'Riordan is excellent though - she's had breast cancer herself liz.oriordan.co.uk/2016/07/04/lets-talk-about-sex/

Should be counting his lucky stars.

That's not correct. I also have hormone positive breast cancer and am still allowed to use topical oestrogen - Vagifem - which is used directly inside the vagina. It's a really low dose that doesn't even enter the blood stream. It was my oncologist who recommended I use it. (I was already using it).

Will assume you're on OAFU (open access follow-up) for breast cancer. If so, contact your MDT or BCN about this. Vagifem is amazing stuff. Ask your team to refer you to the menopause clinic - they will do exactly for this.

Are you on and oestrogen inhibitors as these are notorious for compromising your libido and making many menopause issues worse? If this is the case, it's worth talking to your oncologist and the menopause clinic. Different brands of inhibitors can be less disruptive to the bodies natural rhythm.

Edited to add that I'm probably one of the few who did not lose their sex drive during cancer treatment. I guess this was a bonus of already having gone through a premature menopause 😂

This!! Very well said

Same!

I could not be arsed with sex 2/3 times a week then having more demands on top! Tell him you’re bored of how often it is! 🤣

But yes, don’t speak about it tonight, say you’ll discuss at weekend when you’re not as tired & try to come up with a compromise if you can.

I'm interested in those who mentioned him being put out by her doing well / blossoming... my DH has been the same and unfortunately I've wilted over the years.. This is a very interesting angle and one the OP should definitely consider..

all that’s happened to him is he’s got older, whereas I’ve been through childbirth, a miscarriage, breast cancer and the peri-menopause.

Have you told him that?

breast cancer

He should be glad that you're still alive, never mind pestering you for sex.

Something I have sex purely to keep the emotional closeness going.

This is what cuddles are for.