DH says our sex life is too boring

[CaMouse]

DH and I are mid 40’s, been together since we were 19.

He said last night that he finds our sex life unsatisfactory as we don’t do some of the less vanilla things that we used to do. I’m not going to give specifics of those obviously, but it’s nothing I’ve ever not enjoyed.

The problem is that my libido has plumbing in peri-menopause and I’m not allowed to take HRT. I don’t climax as easily as I used to. Something I have sex purely to keep the emotional closeness going.

What do we do about the discrepancy in sexual needs?

2 to 3 times a week and he’s complaining, what an arse, I’d be ecstatic at 2 to 3 times a month

As in other PPs I’m shocked he has the cojones to complain when you are having sex 2/3 times a week.
Obviously it’s very good that he is able to talk to you about it but frankly based on your last post, I now have my alarm bells ringing.

I read your OP and thought ok, maybe you can make more of an effort.

But fuck me, sex 2-3 times a week, what is his problem. I dont have an issue with porn at all, but if 2-3 times a week isnt enough, he's looking for something different which comes from porn,

Jeez my husband would love 2-3 a month!!

You should still be able to have localised oestrogen and I'd go to a meno specialist. Often doctors are misinformed, even the ones who treat breast cancer. You have been through a lot and your DH is being an arse really. You shouldn't feel like you have to have sex, and I'm surprised at the frequency. It makes me think you're having a lot of sex you don't want and that makes me wonder about your relationship and your DH.

Tittibits wasn't saying OP should do it. It was a remark about what porn has done to men's expectations - made very clear by the rest of Tittibits's post.

Good ideas @Vignetta .

The job is a bit of a step up, though nothing significant. My hours will be the same as before once I finish my 9 days of training.

And I think he should be happy with 2-3 times a week too!

It really felt like a “poor me” moment. He’d been thinking about it on his cycle ride home from hockey practice. Looked pouty, then I had to insist on him saying what was wrong as otherwise I wouldn’t be able to relax before bed.

This is refreshing because the last MN sex thread I read had women in their 40s/50s saying about how they all had sex at least once if not twice a day! 😆 I was thinking bloody hell!

You can’t be bothered to put some sexy underwear on? That’s a bit lazy

I’d rather do that than have sex tbh 😂😂

@Apileofballyhoo I’ve also spoken to a menopausal specialist who advised against artificial hormones.

I suppose he doesn’t understand because I used to enjoy certain things, now all that’s happened to him is he’s got older, whereas I’ve been through childbirth, a miscarriage, breast cancer and the peri-menopause.

An I ask what harm it does you to have sex when you font want to?

You say it's not good for you but can you elaborate please?

I have to do it sometimes cause the fallout of it is just annoying and the fact is the whole household is happier when he gets it. I know how bad that sounds, but I'm just wondering if it has long term effects? It doesn't seem to for me

Hang on. Why are people having a go and suggesting the DH should be grateful because they have sex 2-3 times a week? If it’s not doing it for him he’s still within his rights to bring it up. The important thing is he got the timing badly wrong here and it’s not clear if he said what he’s willing to do to improve things too. But it’s not fair to suggest that because they are having sex regularly he should just put up with it

@Vignetta if he wanted her to be more into it ye wouldn't be asking her to do things he knows she doesn't like. He'd be asking what if there's anything she would like to do, or him to do.

OP, don't take medication or try to change so you want to have more sex to please him. I don't know how often you used to do it and if you truly want that back, or if you'd actually be OK with less frequent and fewer frills if it weren't for worrying about him and want he likes. You say you already feel you are making the effort which suggests you are pushing yourself for him. You might do it for closeness but his idea of trussing up in a basque when he knows you aren't keen suggests he's just looking at getting his rocks off.

But hang on, he's not complaining about the frequency, based on your OP, but rather the routine/ dullness.

Honestly, it's very easy for this to happen. I have a great core connection with my DH, but we used to have wild sex, full of variety, in different places, making an effort with how we looked etc..... now we still have sex and enjoy it, but it's in one place (bed), and we have a 'formula' which is pretty much always followed. It's a formula born from knowing exactly what each of us enjoy and it's unconsciously been honed over years to be very efficient. I could write it up as stage directions, and I'm pretty sure we'd be following it with 90% accuracy, 90% of the time. This is totally natural.... just like making all your favourite dinners on automatic pilot... but I don't think it's a bad thing to mix it up a bit, consider reintroducing the odd thing that has 'fallen out of the repertoire' and just break the routine. Maybe you would find yourself more interested too, OP, if you could shake it up a bit?

The conversation obviously came at a bad time, but maybe you could see it as an opportunity for both of you rather than see it as a grading of you in some way?

How much effort does he put into being desirable and into seducing you, OP? Or is he implying by any chance that it's you who has to be different in some way, rather than him?

Yes, @CaMouse it isn't as appealing if he was feeling sorry for himself but maybe, clumsily, he was trying to find a way to make things better for you. But 2-3 times a week is a lot for you if you're not into it and also it might be making it all feel too routine for you both. Building up to having sex should be exciting and you aren't actually getting a chance to anticipate anything. I'd be fed up too. (My DH spends 0 seconds a month thinking about it in any detail and is genuinely happy with entirely routine sex on the spur of the moment but I like to build up to it. I firmly believe having a good time starts in your head.)

This has been a very helpful discussion. Thank you everyone. @financialcareerstuff probably has probably the best.

I like wearing a fancy bra and pants. Not getting trussed up in a basque though.

😂😂😂this thread has made me feel more normal also

Who has the time or energy for even 2-3 times a week even..her husbands lucky as it is! Mine isn't that lucky😅

Yeah! He's one lucky fella!

@Scout2016 she said it was all stuff she had enjoyed in the past or I wouldn't be as warm and positive about it.

It's absolutely true that you've been through a lot @CaMouse and maybe he doesn't fully appreciate that you aren't in the same place you once were. Biology does a number on us.🙃

Couldnt agree more.

OP this conversation would have made me feel defensive and upset too. Particularly given what you've gone through.

But on the other hand, if he's a general loving and supportive husband, I think it's good that he's sharing his feelings- and unless he has a tendency to be selfish, this may have taken some vulnerability on his part.

Maybe a night together on a cheeky website picking things that work for you BOTH could be the ticket?

Bloody hell,that's depressing reading .

Yes OP you should never try to please your partner in MN world.

This

Agreed.