To think this was rude to say in front of our child?

[Fizzaway]

NC but I feel quite upset still and a bit embarrassed posting this but wanted to get thoughts as he’s making me feel I’m being dramatic.
Maybe I’m wrong and OTT.
DH was off work yesterday and was in with our toddler, I was at work all day. As soon as I got in, he asked me to make him a tea. I had just walked in and I felt slightly annoyed that the first thing he said to me when I got in was to make a tea and the house was an absolute state, I got no hello, just “can you make a tea?” I said come on I’ve literally just walked in. He kept asking me and I said ok fine I’ll make one. Anyway as I walked out to the kitchen I heard him say loudly to our child “mummy has a stick up her arse”

I can’t believe he said that, I thought it was disrespectful especially in front of our child regardless whether or not they understand what it means. DH thinks I’m overreacting, and that it’s a nothing comment and doesn’t understand why I’m bothered by it.

Also the day before as our child has a pretend tea set, it comes with “cakes” and tagged misplaced them. I asked where they were and he pipes up “on your arse” also in front of her. I’m not the smallest, I’m a stone and a bit overweight so I get I’m not the same since my daughter was born and I do need to lose it. I’m trying to lose it and have started counting calories and exercising. But that hurt. And he’s never said anything like that before to me. And then he backtracked and said it was a compliment? And all of a sudden it was my issue and he was looking at me like I’m nuts.

was he being rude?

As the house was a mess and he was sitting on his arse I hardly think he'd been overworked

Of course he understands they aren't appropriate.

Would be say those types of things in front of dm/mil, or his boss? No, because the knows.

He's pretending to not understand to gaslight you and excuse his nasty comments.

He needs to stop being nasty and disgusting to you full stop, let alone in front of your child.

Contempt. That's what this is. I have seen this SO MANY times happen to family and friends of mine - and it also happened to me. Everything is lovely with your OH, then you have a baby (that you BOTH wanted). Life gets hard because baby is there and gradually the husband starts to take it out on the wife - digs and snipes and contempt. Life isn't as happy go lucky as it was before and the husband internally blames the wife - doesn't matter if having a child was a mutual choice, suddenly it's all your fault. Also you're now a mother, not as sexy to him, boring, always there. You could be the loveliest person in the world, the most beautiful, most caring, you could be bringing in 100k a year, you could be faithful and affectionate and a major catch - doesn't matter, he won't notice any of that, all he will be thinking is that you've trapped him with a baby and life isn't as much fun and it's all your fault. All this responsibility - that must be all your fault too. Doesn't matter that he is 50% responsible for all of it, it's easier to take it out on you. Resentment and contempt, eye rolling, not listening to anything you say, dismissive, sneery - the fact that you don't deserve it will be irrelevant to him. It happened to me, it happened to my sister, it happened to my friends - loads of men do this once a baby comes into the picture, they change from Mr kind loving husband to a total prick. Not every man, but a lot of men.

Your child will likely start to use these words and phrases at nursery. It’s grim. I would be very upset and angry.

Awful man. How is he likely to react to your toddler when she starts using those words to her friends and teachers?

Treating a child's mother with respect should go without saying for any half decent father.

Also not to blame you at all but just something to think about - why did you even make the tea? My first reaction might be something like "sorry I'm shattered, how about I take DD for a bit and you do it?" or "yes ok but give me 15 mins to sit down first". Whatever, I know I'd be "safe" to say no without an argument.

He would have got the tea poured into his lap. That kind of language is not suitable around a small child and perhaps he should get off his "big fat arse" and make you a cup of tea for when you walk in the door. Grr

OP, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone that spoke to me the way your DH does, I just wouldn't.

He doesn't have your back and that is enough to make anyone shut up shop.

Your kid will be going to school and parroting this man so have a good long think about whether he really should have the place in your life that he does.

If he were my DH he would be having Dc part time and if he wants to teach a potty mouth and his misogynist claptrap on his own time, fine. Not in my hearing though.

It's called sarcasm, i'm well aware looking after a child all day is not an easy day

Eurgh. So rude to say at all, let alone in front of your child.

Fair enough!

Ahh he sounds lie, such a nasty thing to say :( and then to try and twist it

Hopefully by tipping the person off that her comment was not making anything better. I hoped that she might see that being kind was better than the opposite when someone is upset.
And, I could ask you the same question. How is your comment to me helpful?

Are some of these posts actually implying that victims of abuse need to have more sex with the abusive men in our lives to stop them being abusive?

Excuse me while I vomit at the internalised misogyny and victim blaming. Mumsnet is a disgrace sometimes 🤮