To think this was rude to say in front of our child?

[Fizzaway]

NC but I feel quite upset still and a bit embarrassed posting this but wanted to get thoughts as he’s making me feel I’m being dramatic.
Maybe I’m wrong and OTT.
DH was off work yesterday and was in with our toddler, I was at work all day. As soon as I got in, he asked me to make him a tea. I had just walked in and I felt slightly annoyed that the first thing he said to me when I got in was to make a tea and the house was an absolute state, I got no hello, just “can you make a tea?” I said come on I’ve literally just walked in. He kept asking me and I said ok fine I’ll make one. Anyway as I walked out to the kitchen I heard him say loudly to our child “mummy has a stick up her arse”

I can’t believe he said that, I thought it was disrespectful especially in front of our child regardless whether or not they understand what it means. DH thinks I’m overreacting, and that it’s a nothing comment and doesn’t understand why I’m bothered by it.

Also the day before as our child has a pretend tea set, it comes with “cakes” and tagged misplaced them. I asked where they were and he pipes up “on your arse” also in front of her. I’m not the smallest, I’m a stone and a bit overweight so I get I’m not the same since my daughter was born and I do need to lose it. I’m trying to lose it and have started counting calories and exercising. But that hurt. And he’s never said anything like that before to me. And then he backtracked and said it was a compliment? And all of a sudden it was my issue and he was looking at me like I’m nuts.

was he being rude?

He understands full well that these comments are horrible. He just doesn't care as they are doing exactly what he wants them to do, belittling you. He's showing contempt for you and I'm not sure if there's any coming back from that.

@PineConeOrDogPoo when a woman is being gas lit by a bully of a man in to thinking him being a cunt is her fault, these kinds of comments aren't helpful.

This man does not like you.

Sorry, OP. 💐

I disagree. What @PineConeOrDogPoo said is something many, many people agree with. It doesn't excuse the man being a rude, sexist arse, but it's an important part of the picture of the overall relationship.

Was he being rude? I'm surprised you even have to ask. He's treating you horribly.

think I would’ve considered spitting in said cup of tea tbh.

He wasn’t rude he was horrible. I think the tea demand was timed really badly but the rest of it was just … I don’t have words tbh, feel so angry for you. Let’s not pretend that it was lack of manners or some specific humour, it wasn’t. It was absolutely appalling behaviour.

Did tea mean "make our dinner"? I thought that what was meant.

Very hurtful comments, and as he says then as an aside, a joke, means it's even harder to tackle head on, as it's you being a humourless bitch.

Don't be hurt, be angry. You will lose respect for him, treating you like that. I am sorry OP.

@PineConeOrDogPoo

Oh dear. 🤦🏻‍♀️ You need to massively UP your bar for unacceptable shitty men’s behaviour.

No decent man uses his child in this way to be PA to the mother of his child, EVER!

Whether they’re having regular sex or not, that’s completely irrelevant and sadly you’ve fallen for this bullshit. Sex should never be transactional.

I don’t think you are over reacting. I think he is a rude oaf.

In response to the person who asked if I’ve stopped having sex with him - we don’t have sex as often as we did before we had DD. we do but nowhere near as much and no he isn’t happy about it. With a long recovery from birth, exhaustion from working full time, a demanding toddler and not much help or time for a break it’s been hard to. His snappiness has to be honest been part of the reason my libido has become so low. How am I supposed to want to get intimate with someone who has a go at me for something tiny and is moody and puts me on eggshells. And I’ve told him this multiple times and tried to get to the bottom of it but it doesn’t change.
Or it changes for a day then he has a go at me again for something else I’ve done wrong. I wouldn’t think that would be acceptable to speak about me/to me like that, I dont with him.
on the other hand when he’s not being funny with me he is nice and we enjoy each others company, he’s a good dad, it’s me he shows disdain. we’ve been together such a long time.
feeling really upset now, guess this is partly my fault.

He's not a good dad.
"Good dad's" do not put good mums down by using derogatory language in front of their child.
You are teaching your son that this is how women ought to be treated.

Oh fgs I KNEW that would happen. The op would hone in on the one handmaiden poster who blames her, and dismiss all the other posters who have correctly identified the problem is the man here. Well done @PineConeOrDogPoo, for contributing to the op continuing to be miserable and tolerate this.

“Tea” means dinner, not a cup of tea!

You are right about the 'good dad' part but OP isn't the problem here @Moonshine5 the DH is.

Not when it has "a" in front of it

A good dad doesn't say things like that about his partner and certainly not to a child. He sounds awful

Err what? Men see sex as sex, they don't equate with love in any way.

it was a cup of tea, not dinner, I know it’s not a big deal but it would have been nice if he offered me one when I just walked in not ask me as soon as I walked in!

thanks to everyone who has confirmed that it’s not right what he said despite anything else and that he most likely does understand that it’s wrong it’s just he doesn’t want to see it that way/doesnt care, given me something to think about to on the things he says. Hes not stupid, he’s intelligent so i need to stop thinking he doesn’t understand what he says. He does.

He does not treat people in the outside world or his work colleagues like this does he?. No he does not. It’s not your fault he has decided to embark on his own private based war with you. Abusive men often use pregnancy and or birth to further ramp up the power and control against their target, in this instance you.

You did not make him abusive, he chose to become abusive and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Women in poor relationships too often write the good dad comment like you have when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You need to think long and hard about your marriage now and whether you want to remain with him. He is not going to change and this is who he really is.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your child cannot afford to grow up in what is really a toxic environment and you cannot assume that your child will not notice because they most certainly do. Imagine how you will feel if one day your child repeats to the teacher what your do called h says about you because that is not beyond the realms of possibility.

He doesn’t seem to understand they aren’t appropriate.

Bullshit does he not know - he is pretending he does not because he has found a way to lash out at you while pretending he has not done anything wrong. Its highly disrespectful, he is probably tired from having a new child but guess what? that does not entitle you to be an arsehole to the people around you.

And do ignore the likes of pine cone because there is no excuse or justification for his ill treatment of you and in turn your child. If you’re being abused of course you do not want to have sex with your abuser.

It's not that he doesn't want to 'see it that way', he's deliberately attacking you to be cruel and hurtful, and then denying it's cruel and hurtful, making you feel like you're going mad.

None of this is your fault, he's an abusive arsehole.

Where on earth are you getting that this is partly your fault?

The man is a twat, this is entirely on him

He 100% knows he should not speak that way to you, he just doesn't care because he thinks that you deserve it. He thinks whatever it is in the moment that is frustrating/annoying him justifies whatever insults he cares to throw at you. He doesn't respect you or care about you in any genuine way. Whether or not that can be retrieved depends on whether or not he accepts it. Now that you are 'mum' he expects what society expects of mothers - waiting on him, doing all the caring and domestic labour, being smiley and loving while doing it. When you step outside of that, he rips at you.

How old is he OP?

Not making excuses, but apparently (so say my younger colleagues) 'cake' is a complementary term for a big, sexy butt 🤷🏻‍♂️