To think this was rude to say in front of our child?

[Fizzaway]

NC but I feel quite upset still and a bit embarrassed posting this but wanted to get thoughts as he’s making me feel I’m being dramatic.
Maybe I’m wrong and OTT.
DH was off work yesterday and was in with our toddler, I was at work all day. As soon as I got in, he asked me to make him a tea. I had just walked in and I felt slightly annoyed that the first thing he said to me when I got in was to make a tea and the house was an absolute state, I got no hello, just “can you make a tea?” I said come on I’ve literally just walked in. He kept asking me and I said ok fine I’ll make one. Anyway as I walked out to the kitchen I heard him say loudly to our child “mummy has a stick up her arse”

I can’t believe he said that, I thought it was disrespectful especially in front of our child regardless whether or not they understand what it means. DH thinks I’m overreacting, and that it’s a nothing comment and doesn’t understand why I’m bothered by it.

Also the day before as our child has a pretend tea set, it comes with “cakes” and tagged misplaced them. I asked where they were and he pipes up “on your arse” also in front of her. I’m not the smallest, I’m a stone and a bit overweight so I get I’m not the same since my daughter was born and I do need to lose it. I’m trying to lose it and have started counting calories and exercising. But that hurt. And he’s never said anything like that before to me. And then he backtracked and said it was a compliment? And all of a sudden it was my issue and he was looking at me like I’m nuts.

was he being rude?

Why is he asking you for a cup of tea when you walk in rather than offering to make you one.

Next time he gets stroppy about you not wanting sex tell him exactly why, moody, snappy manchild isn’t exactly a turn on is it

It’s no compliment in this case and indeed the Op , and in turn her child, are being abused here. He said the cake was on the original posters arse.

OP further makes references in her posts to his moodiness (this is an example of emotional abuse) and walking on eggshells (aka living in fear). These are all phrases that abused women use. She may well have been with him for a long time but she cannot get bogged down in her sunk costs. The sunk costs fallacy causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

It is definitely not partly your fault.
And no he isn’t a good dad. A good dad doesn’t treat the mother of his child with such contempt. A good dad doesn’t say things like that in front of his child.
He’s dreadful and your relationship is dreadful. It will probably take you a while to accept how bad things are, because you’ve been making excuses for him and accepting the crumbs of niceness he throws to you as enough.

He sounds like a fucking prick

What an awful man

He clearly thinks you are not worth respect or even kindness.

Where on earth are you getting that this is partly your fault?

Because one poster implied it was, and when you've been so downtrodden and gaslit, that you've lost sight of what a good man is, that's unfortunately the only post she'll hear.

I agree with this. I had an ExH who made these types of comments - shows no respect, and without respect, there's no love and no future. We divorced 20 years ago.

Were you not handing out the Blue Peter badge?
He had been minding the child all day, after all…

My ex put me down like that which is why after too many years, he's an ex.

You are indeed correct however if someone behaves badly/ is rude to me (continuously) in front of my child I would respond otherwise it sends a message to my child that it's acceptable behaviour. Doing nothing is a message as well.
I do appreciate there will be scenarios in abusive situations where the appropriate thing is to sit and take it for safety and then leave.

What a dick and myself and my ex would never speak about the other like this in front of our kids at any age

This is a nasty abusive man.
Don't risk another pregnancy with him.
It would be a disaster.
You need to tell family and friends the truth.

Men need sex to feel love and women need love to feel like sex and all that.

Are you familiar at all with male sexuality? They’ve had to pass laws to stop men having sex with animals and corpses.

He sounds appalling.

Even when he said ‘make a tea?’

Well isn’t he a charmer. I’d have told him to go make his own tea.

OP lose yourself 13 stone straight away!
Tbh I've got one like this.Last night he repeated shut up at me when I pointed out he could be used the bath while his sausages cooked as I wanted to get in the kitchen it's tiny.
Instead he took over for an hour.
Men like this won't apologise and have zero manners. misogyny at its best.
They don't seem to see the correlation between being moody and rude and zero sex life.

I can’t think in what world
my DH would ever do this-including my child as such in belittling me.For a start he wouldn’t demand anything like that and he’d not speak like that in front of any child.There’s no respect for you is there? I’m sorry but he needs to have a long hard look at himself

So he waited until you got home then expected you to make him a cup of tea as soon as you walked in? I’d have told him to make his own.

He'd be out the door for this behaviour in the long term. Sex would have been a big No already.
Why should anyone have sex with their partner to make them feel loved?
A lot of men would shag anything with a pulse as long as it was female it's not about love for them.
If you love someone who don't treat them like shit in the first place.
OP you need to look at your relationship over all. Your dc will mope this rubbish up like a sponge and think it's normal. In years to come she'll be on here moaning about her partner and saying he's a complete dick tome and my kids like my so called dad was. Or she might not because she sees mens bad behaviour as normal.

He treats his wife and the mother of his child with out-and-out disdain. This is not a good man.

You could give him an ultimatum about changing his behaviour, but honestly, I don't think he will. In your shoes, I'd be making plans to separate.

Do men need sex to show basic respect? Because they seem to manage to show it to other men who they aren't having sex with.

Totally nailed it. A lot of women would do well to remember this.

We all have our own boundaries in relationships. I wouldn't stand for being spoken to lime this and i wouldn't use disparaging comments to speak about dh in front of our kids either. So yes for me it is a red flag. I would take some time to work out what your own boundaries are, what's acceptable to you in terms of a relationship and what you want your future to look like. I'd then have a sit down conversation with him detailing this. See how he responders but don't make the mistake of ignoring his behaviour as it will be quite telling.

You've a little weight to lose after having had a baby and he's making such comments about your body. I do find it appalling. After having my 3 children I was literally double the person I was before. My dh never commented about my body negatively, when I said I wanted to get back into shape he was only ever encouraging, making sure I had time to exercise uninterrupted by the kids. I'm not saying that to gloat but just to show you that I had lots more to lose than you and my dh was supportive rather than making me feel bad about myself. Partners are supposed to be just that, they lift you up not drag you down.

Also just to add, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about here. You aren't the problem op.

This does not bode well.