DPs DS doesn't want to meet me......its been 3 years

[Blushingm]

His eldest is 15.

We've been together 3 years but don't live together as we wanted to take things slowly as his DS's found DP and his ex splitting up very difficult. Particularly the eldest. Hes is a quiet kid who is quite sensitive, he doesn't like change but he also thinks about things really deeply. He hates the thought of upsetting people.

DP met my DD about a year ago and he's spoken to his a few times about me meeting them. His youngest is laid back and said fine but his eldest hasn't even wanted to discuss it. DP make sure his time with me and his time with his DS's is kept separate (which I completely understand)

DP had a really good chat with him last week as it seems he's afraid of meeting me because if he doesn't like me then it will hurt and upset his dad as it would make things difficult for him so his solution that if he doesn't meet me he can't not like me but then he ls said he knows not meeting me makes his dad sad.

I just feel really sad. I wouldn't expect DP to insist his DS meets me

Has anyone been in this situation and it all worked out ok?

@Blushingm 3 years down the line and your DP is still pandering to his child/teen?

Its one thing to take it slow and ensure the emotional stability of the kids when relationships are new after a bad breakup but this is years later and lil Johnny is still ruling over Daddy as if he is the only one who matters. As if only his feelings are important.

DP is allowed to have a life. He is allowed to have grown up relationships even if lil Johnny is sensitive and doesn't like change.

Enough of this. It's time to meet the other kids and to start living your lives as you want.

Has your dp said to him "I'm fine with it if you don't like her, not everyone is everyone's cup of tea"

@JimHalpertsWife he has - not everyone likes everyone, but he's still worrying he won't like me

Ok then I'd agree with the above poster in that the pandering time should be put to bed. He meets you, he deals with it, and everyone moves on with their lives.

This is sort of what DP is trying to gently say - that it's been 3 years and he has a life of his own too

His DS says he can see his dad is happier since he's met me

God you sound awful. You know when you choose to bring children into the world then their needs and emotional well-being come before yours ya? I think a lot of parents who get into relationships would do well to remember that.

OP, just leave them to it. He'll be gone off to college in a couple of years. It's not worth damaging his relationship with his son.

How often does your DP see his children?

It's not awful to say that children shouldn't be pandered to, to this extent. He will really struggle as an adult if he learns as a teen that the world revolves around him and that his needs come before all else, and that he can just ignore uncomfortable situations.

Just start spending time with DP's other kid, who has said he's fine with it.

Or he will grow up secure in the knowledge that his father put him first and valued his childhood?

I, and many other people I know, had parents partners forced on us, and our adult relationships with our parents are all very strained as a result. I know of 2 who never spoke to their parent again once they turned 18. There's only 3 years of his childhood left, don't make it uncomfortable because you feel your want of a relationship trumps this child's needs for security and comfort in his own home.

He is 15, he said he doesn't want to meet OP, he's old enough to make his own decisions so just respect that. He may come around if he sees his wishes being respected.

And all this is particularly important if he doesn't see his dad full time. If he's only seeing his father 50% of the time, or less, why would he want to share that with someone else and their child?

Do you comprehend for some children divorce can be a lifelong emotional affliction? The effects of divorce span generations.
I'd just leave it as it is op.

Can he gently reinforce that you aren't his step mother, your relationship with your DH is separate and if you don't get on he won't be forced into family life with you. Consider you as one of his dad's friends, not a new family member.
All that assumes of course that you aren't planning to live together and have his custody time in your shared house? As if this is potentially moving towards you both wanting to live together before his DS is an adult then I can see why he is apprehensive.

I have never liked a single one of my dad's girlfriends. I have been polite and civil to every single one of them - except for the one that actively contributed to the end of my parent's marriage.

Assuming there is nothing like that here, I think your husband just needs to make it clear that not even trying is making him sadder than not liking you could and that meeting you will not impact on his time with his kids nor should be seen as a step towards closer integration with you.

Is the ex/DS mother a factor in this hesitation at all?

Sounds ideal. Enjoy dating without forcing the kids to be involved.

So should people just never be able to get married or live with their partners on the whims of a child? Yes, divorce is difficult. Yes, meeting mum and dad's new partners is uncomfortable. However, there is an unhelpful on here that children of divorce are forever traumatised by it and that they should commandeer all future decisions about family life. This view just perpetuates the problem. There are far worse things in the world than divorce and dad having a 'new' partner. I would have hated to have been brought up to be taught no resilience.

I, and many other people I know, had parents partners forced on us, and our adult relationships with our parents are all very strained as a result. I know of 2 who never spoke to their parent again once they turned 18.

If those people never spoke to their parent again just because they met their parent's new partner when they were a teenager (assuming no abuse because you didn't say this was your issue), then that is truly ridiculous.

Does his son have to meet you? Obviously you are both entitled to have a relationship but why would that have to include the 15 year old?

Does not meeting his oldest have an effective on your relationship? Does avoiding him bring practical problems like you can only do dates very rarely or you're looking into moving together or you can't never attend any family bbq at his parents? Or does it just mean that you haven't met him and it doesn't make active difference in the relationship?

It is odd that you haven't been introduced and his reasoning is quite naive for a 15yo. However if it doesn't have an effect on your relationship then I wouldn't push it.

What’s the driver for you to need to meet his son? If you force the issue it may only make things worse and actually if your relationship is fine as it is then I’d leave it alone.

Let it play out as it needs to, 15 is a tricky age anyway.

I introduced someone to my kids and regret doing so, as such wouldn’t intend to with any further partner for a considerable time.

It's not awful to say that children shouldn't be pandered to, to this extent. He will really struggle as an adult if he learns as a teen that the world revolves around him and that his needs come before all else, and that he can just ignore uncomfortable situations. But this makes no sense in this situation - the OP and the father are in fact saying the child should pander to the adults, and meet their emotional wants (not needs). This teaches the child to demand unreasonable things.

The child does not want to meet the OP.
The adults want the child to meet the OP.

What might be good is if the father stops trying to involve his kid at all and models respect and adult behaviour.

His DS says he can see his dad is happier since he's met me - this is atrocious, why is this even being discussed with a child? A child shouldn't be asked to analyse their parent's romantic relationships. The adults need to grow up a lot here.

I’d suspect this is more to do with DS’s relationship with his mum than with his dad, especially if his mum is the resident parent.

They can feel like they are “betraying” one parent if the meet and like the other parent’s new partner.

Has his mum met anyone new?

Why exactly does he have to meet you? I'm a bit puzzled here.

I can understand your DP not wanting to be dictated to if he was caring for his kids in his house and you were living there too - it's a bit uncomfortable to have a kid about the place who won't speak to you or look at you. But this boy is 15 and can presumably just stay home and visit his dad when you aren't there. He's old enough to decide for himself what relationships he wants in his life. The caveat being of course that if you happen to come across him accidentally, I'd expect him to be polite. But he can choose for himself who he spends time with.

What a nasty response. Hope you’re not a step parent. Yikes at the thought!

OP my friend was in a very similar position. Both her DP’s children refused to meet her. She sat back and let them call the shots. She said there’d be no value in forcing them to be round her, would just create resentment & further tension. Both in their twenties now and they have a good relationship, spend Christmas together etc. Give it time. 15 is a tricky age even without all the heartache of his parent’s split.

The first advice is quite shocking.
Please don't listen to this one. Parents or step-parents like this have children who go no contact once they've moved out.

I'm happy for this child that you're so understanding and patient.
He seems quite fearful. Does he talk to his father about what he thinks will happen if he doesn't like you? What makes him worry?
If after 3 years the child is still so affected by the divorce, is therapy an option for him?
I'd say just move forward as things are.
If anything, you and their father being respectful of their wishes will only pave the way for the development of a future relationship. Good for both of you to put the children first.

I’m confused as to why he has to meet you.

If this was an adult child not wanting to meet the new partner, the adult child would be allowed enough autonomy to make that decision. “Crack on Dad, she obviously makes you happy, but I’m not ready to take that step yet as I’m still healing from the breakup”.

I’d respect it. Don’t take it personally, because it isn’t about you. It’s about the child. He will either come round in time or he won’t, and pushing won’t help.

If we're calling him Lil Johnny, then Lil Johnny has no need whatsoever to meet his father's partner and his wishes should be respected.

It doesn't mean the relationship has to stop. Far from it. Carry on- but just don't try and deny that this boy's feelings exist and that they don't matter. They really do. Carry on with your relationship - but don't force it into children who aren't ready to accept it, don't force him to play happy families.

You're not "pandering" to Lil Johnny- fancy taking another person's feelings into account being described as pandering.

Respect the boys wishes. Model respect. Be patient.
There are a lot of very deep and complicated feelings around parents remarrying.