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Original poster

DPs DS doesn't want to meet me......its been 3 years

80 replies

Blushingm · 07/01/2025 11:11

His eldest is 15.

We've been together 3 years but don't live together as we wanted to take things slowly as his DS's found DP and his ex splitting up very difficult. Particularly the eldest. Hes is a quiet kid who is quite sensitive, he doesn't like change but he also thinks about things really deeply. He hates the thought of upsetting people.

DP met my DD about a year ago and he's spoken to his a few times about me meeting them. His youngest is laid back and said fine but his eldest hasn't even wanted to discuss it. DP make sure his time with me and his time with his DS's is kept separate (which I completely understand)

DP had a really good chat with him last week as it seems he's afraid of meeting me because if he doesn't like me then it will hurt and upset his dad as it would make things difficult for him so his solution that if he doesn't meet me he can't not like me but then he ls said he knows not meeting me makes his dad sad.

I just feel really sad. I wouldn't expect DP to insist his DS meets me

Has anyone been in this situation and it all worked out ok?

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 07/01/2025 13:35

I'm glad the dad has been respecting his wishes. Curious, were you the other ow and involved in the break-up of his parents? This would affect advice given, I think.

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 13:36

@2025HereICome you do know it can work the other way

I was v nervous about meeting my dads new partner but she turned out to be lovely and they've been together 30 years now

OP posts:
2025HereICome · 07/01/2025 13:39

crashbandicooty · 07/01/2025 12:42

I, and many other people I know, had parents partners forced on us, and our adult relationships with our parents are all very strained as a result. I know of 2 who never spoke to their parent again once they turned 18.

If those people never spoke to their parent again just because they met their parent's new partner when they were a teenager (assuming no abuse because you didn't say this was your issue), then that is truly ridiculous.

Both of these particular people had parents partners introduced to them, and then subsequently move into their home. No abuse, but both as teenagers were uncomfortable with these unrelated people living with them and not having their opinions heard or respected and feeling like their safe spaces were invaded.

One was 14, the other was 16. The 14 year old pretty much just stopped seeing his father right after the partner moved in, stopped calling to his house, spending any time with him, they now no longer speak. The 16 year old was in the middle of exams with no other house to go to so felt forced to stay in the home and then hightailed it out of her mother's house as soon as she possibly could.

I also had partners moved into my house as a teenager, absolutely hated it, felt completely violated. Moved out at 17 and put myself through college. Strained relationship with mother and no longer speak to the other parent for this and other reasons.

And all of this for what? If both of these parents had just waited a couple of years until their children had flown the nest, none of this would have happened.

2025HereICome · 07/01/2025 13:40

Blushingm · 07/01/2025 13:36

@2025HereICome you do know it can work the other way

I was v nervous about meeting my dads new partner but she turned out to be lovely and they've been together 30 years now

Yes, totally aware it can work the other way, but it's far too big a risk that I wouldn't personally take.

And I say this as a single parent. I've managed relationships of longer than yours without the need to involved my DC.

How often does your BF see his son?

Pumpkinpie1 · 07/01/2025 13:44

You live separately, I don’t see why you need to meet yet. Listen to his son , respect his wishes. If the younger son wants to meet up do that .
I would step carefully and don’t push , he’s 15 lots of pressure, hormones to deal with any way . It doesn’t make a difference if you ever meet ,does it x

Oreyt · 07/01/2025 13:44

Have you met any of his family?

Are you sure not it's your partner not wanting his kids to meet you?

You never know.

MrsAga · 07/01/2025 13:49

DP has to make it very clear to DS that not liking you is ok & his only expectation is that he isn’t rude.

Make the first meeting very brief & casual. Pop round to his when DS is there to drop something off, say hello, how lovely it is to meet him & sorry you can’t stay to chat but you have an appointment to get to. Then leave.

DP should not ask him if he likes you. It’s not relevant, so no need to put that pressure on him.

If it’s been 3 years, DS probably feels it all needs to be a big thing & an official meeting where he’ll be asked his feeling afterwards. No need for that pressure.

TheOnlyAletheia · 07/01/2025 14:11

My partner and I both have children and we let them choose how and when. I met my adult SS after a year and we clicked straightaway. My DS’ (10 and 15) at the time wanted to wait longer, in fact we didn’t discuss it until much later. I told them about my partner and also told them that we had no plans to move in together and they would always come first. They met briefly and then for longer periods and this year we all went on holiday together (SS, DIL and my boys) and had Christmas together. The kids all know that they come first, that they are all unconditionally supported and loved. We also make sure that neither of us overtly intervenes in the relationship between the other parent and their child(ren) and my partner and I don’t “come as a package”. I talk to my boys about the future- specifically about my partner and I living together when my youngest goes to uni. My advice would be to leave it and don’t pressure a meet. My dad did that to me after my mum died and it was very difficult so hopefully my experience has made it a bit easier for my boys.

Timeheals · 07/01/2025 14:12

I don’t think a forced meeting would be helpful in any way. It sounds like your DP is going about it the right way, trying to understand what the barriers are. I would suggest more of that talking, perhaps discussing that he is happier with you in his life but that until you are all together it feels like there is a hole. Acknowledging that meeting you could stir up some complicated emotions for everyone but that there is no expectation of happy families and all doing things together, that while that would be lovely, really all that your DP os hoping for is that a general acquaintance type relationship is formed (where liking or disliking you isn’t considered).

poemsandwine · 07/01/2025 14:15

Jdi2hdiw · 07/01/2025 12:44

Does his son have to meet you? Obviously you are both entitled to have a relationship but why would that have to include the 15 year old?

Agree. Especially when you don't live together. His relationship is with his dad.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 07/01/2025 14:15

I actually think your DP is being a fantastic dad. He is acknowledging his DS's feelings abd repeating them.

Do you and his DS have anything in common @Blushingm, shared interest in a sport or music maybe? Could your dp maybe plant seeds in that way to ease the worry about it for him with gently dropping in things like "ohhh @Blushingm loves that band/film/book" so that he sees there might be common ground?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/01/2025 14:47

OP, you sound patient and kind - and not pushy. That is a good thing.

I'm appalled at the posters trying to justify engineering meetings (however short), using emotional blackmail (dad to say that not meeting you 'makes him sadder' then son not liking you could)... WTF?!

This isn't about you, it's about your partner's son and his feelings and processing of them. You've met the other child and all is well. If you allow this boy time and space with no pressure at all placed on him to meet then he may decide that it's time. Or he won't - but you will have put him first - as his father definitely should.

Don't take anything about this personally; he doesn't even know you so it really cannot be personal. Nothing about this situation stops you from having a relationship with your partner.

OrchardDoor · 07/01/2025 14:58

crashbandicooty · 07/01/2025 12:42

I, and many other people I know, had parents partners forced on us, and our adult relationships with our parents are all very strained as a result. I know of 2 who never spoke to their parent again once they turned 18.

If those people never spoke to their parent again just because they met their parent's new partner when they were a teenager (assuming no abuse because you didn't say this was your issue), then that is truly ridiculous.

I'm sure their parents agreed with all of your opinions, and now they have no relationship with their adult dc. Some people wouldn't be bothered about that of course.

mummabubs · 07/01/2025 15:30

I'm sorry if I've missed it but can I ask when you and your partner got together in relation to him ending his relationship with his partner? (I'm assuming it wasn't before but am wondering if it was quite soon afterwards?)

MayaPinion · 07/01/2025 15:45

Has his DF tried inviting him along to something he’d really want to do? If he said ‘Blushingm and I are going to the football/Wagamama/cinema/pottery making/whatever. Would you and your brother like to come too?’ might that help? Mine were invited to their favorite tapas restaurant and couldn’t have been more enthusiastic. Meeting my now DO was almost incidental to the main event.

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 16:03

mummabubs · 07/01/2025 15:30

I'm sorry if I've missed it but can I ask when you and your partner got together in relation to him ending his relationship with his partner? (I'm assuming it wasn't before but am wondering if it was quite soon afterwards?)

It was about 9 months after but he (and I) didn't tell our DC til about 2 years as neither wanted to be too hasty

OP posts:
2025HereICome · 07/01/2025 16:11

@Blushingm how often does he see his DS OP?

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 16:13

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/01/2025 14:47

OP, you sound patient and kind - and not pushy. That is a good thing.

I'm appalled at the posters trying to justify engineering meetings (however short), using emotional blackmail (dad to say that not meeting you 'makes him sadder' then son not liking you could)... WTF?!

This isn't about you, it's about your partner's son and his feelings and processing of them. You've met the other child and all is well. If you allow this boy time and space with no pressure at all placed on him to meet then he may decide that it's time. Or he won't - but you will have put him first - as his father definitely should.

Don't take anything about this personally; he doesn't even know you so it really cannot be personal. Nothing about this situation stops you from having a relationship with your partner.

Thank you so much - makes me feel a bit better

Who whole thing is that neither of us want him upset etc

My DC are older (18 & 23) so aren't really reliant on me so much. We eventually long term would like to live together. Both of us have small mortgages and selling and buying together is the long term plan

He had his DC 5 days out of 14. The days they're not there I am - my 18 yo is away at university and my 23 year old works etc

OP posts:
Jdi2hdiw · 07/01/2025 16:15

Do you want to live together before his Ds leave home? Is it really about getting him used to you so you then get a joint place or will you wait till they leave home like with your kids?

Snorlaxo · 07/01/2025 16:21

My kids didn’t want to meet their saw’s gf because they worried it would trigger more forced meetings, moving in, babies etc They moved in together before the children met her but he didn’t see them frequently enough for the regular meetings to be in an issue.

2025HereICome · 07/01/2025 16:22

If he only sees him 5 days out of 14 then the DS might also just want to have his dad to himself during that time. Maybe he's afraid that if he agrees to meet you, then he'll be expected to increasingly spend more and more of his 'dad' time with someone else? Totally understandable really and nothing to do with you as a person, I'm sure you are lovely.

It seems like you both have plenty of time to have your relationship without the children being involved. Is waiting til he is gone to uni/becomes an adult an option? By the ages of both of your children I assume that there is no time pressure due to wanting to have another child? If you've both got small mortgages as well it doesn't sound like there is financial pressure to move in together?

sunflowersngunpowdr · 07/01/2025 16:23

FartSock5000 · 07/01/2025 11:55

@Blushingm 3 years down the line and your DP is still pandering to his child/teen?

Its one thing to take it slow and ensure the emotional stability of the kids when relationships are new after a bad breakup but this is years later and lil Johnny is still ruling over Daddy as if he is the only one who matters. As if only his feelings are important.

DP is allowed to have a life. He is allowed to have grown up relationships even if lil Johnny is sensitive and doesn't like change.

Enough of this. It's time to meet the other kids and to start living your lives as you want.

At 15 he is old enough to decide for himself. In a court he would even be old enough to decide he didn't want to live with an actual parent. What do you want the father to do? Put a fun to his head and force him to meet her?

Ponderingwindow · 07/01/2025 16:23

for his son, is it really about the first meeting or worrying about what comes next?

in his mind, does this meeting mean you start imposing on his time with his father? Does it mean you possibly move in and he has to deal with another adult in the household?

it might help if his father clarifies your plans. Hopefully since the children are older those plans include waiting until they are heading off to university or their own homes to cohabitate. That could take a lot of pressure off the situation.

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 16:27

2025HereICome · 07/01/2025 16:22

If he only sees him 5 days out of 14 then the DS might also just want to have his dad to himself during that time. Maybe he's afraid that if he agrees to meet you, then he'll be expected to increasingly spend more and more of his 'dad' time with someone else? Totally understandable really and nothing to do with you as a person, I'm sure you are lovely.

It seems like you both have plenty of time to have your relationship without the children being involved. Is waiting til he is gone to uni/becomes an adult an option? By the ages of both of your children I assume that there is no time pressure due to wanting to have another child? If you've both got small mortgages as well it doesn't sound like there is financial pressure to move in together?

Definitely don't want any more babies - we are both mid 40's.

He doesn't get on so well with his mum so we are thinking maybe he sees his dads as his sanctuary and that means being around would mess that up. Hes close to his dad and no so with his mum

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 16:30

Ponderingwindow · 07/01/2025 16:23

for his son, is it really about the first meeting or worrying about what comes next?

in his mind, does this meeting mean you start imposing on his time with his father? Does it mean you possibly move in and he has to deal with another adult in the household?

it might help if his father clarifies your plans. Hopefully since the children are older those plans include waiting until they are heading off to university or their own homes to cohabitate. That could take a lot of pressure off the situation.

You could well be right. He likes it as the 3 of them (him, dad and younger brother) and someone extra would change that whether it's just including someone else not necessarily someone moving in

We definitely won't force anything. If he keeps no wanting to meet me he won't be told he has to......

OP posts:
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