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Original poster

DPs DS doesn't want to meet me......its been 3 years

80 replies

Blushingm · 07/01/2025 11:11

His eldest is 15.

We've been together 3 years but don't live together as we wanted to take things slowly as his DS's found DP and his ex splitting up very difficult. Particularly the eldest. Hes is a quiet kid who is quite sensitive, he doesn't like change but he also thinks about things really deeply. He hates the thought of upsetting people.

DP met my DD about a year ago and he's spoken to his a few times about me meeting them. His youngest is laid back and said fine but his eldest hasn't even wanted to discuss it. DP make sure his time with me and his time with his DS's is kept separate (which I completely understand)

DP had a really good chat with him last week as it seems he's afraid of meeting me because if he doesn't like me then it will hurt and upset his dad as it would make things difficult for him so his solution that if he doesn't meet me he can't not like me but then he ls said he knows not meeting me makes his dad sad.

I just feel really sad. I wouldn't expect DP to insist his DS meets me

Has anyone been in this situation and it all worked out ok?

OP posts:
2025HereICome · 07/01/2025 16:31

Hmmm... it really may be that he is afraid to 'open the floodgates' so to speak. Afraid that if he agrees to meet you, then you'll become an increasing presence in his life, move in etc.

You say moving in together is a long term plan - have you discussed a timeline for this? If it's not until he has left home/for uni, which for most children is preferable, could your BF explain this to him? It might allay some fears?

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 16:31

Being a 2 income household with no more mortgage would give us a lot more freedom - both together and for all of our children

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 16:34

Jdi2hdiw · 07/01/2025 16:15

Do you want to live together before his Ds leave home? Is it really about getting him used to you so you then get a joint place or will you wait till they leave home like with your kids?

Long term as in a few years time we might start looking - when his youngest is at least doing a levels so would be at university when we moved in

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 07/01/2025 16:49

My eldest dsd was reluctant to meet me so I just met youngest dsd and we did fun things like cinema, dinner out etc. Took her approximately 3-4 missed meetings to get fomo and join us. Why not try that approach @Blushingm ? No reason younger should be dictated to by eldest child.

FlowerP0w3r · 07/01/2025 16:52

What will you do if he did actually meet you and for whatever reason didn't like you? Surely that's worse than not meeting him at all.

Gettingslimmer · 07/01/2025 17:02

Does he think getting to know you will anger his mother and make the situation worse?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2025 17:30

At 15 he’s about to go through GCSEs. That’s such a stressful time. I would let him get through those, have a good summer and maybe re-evaluate after that. You have older teens yourself, they grow up such a lot at college / 6th form. Perhaps he will be ready when he’s a little older.

Mauro711 · 07/01/2025 17:32

his DS's found DP and his ex splitting up very difficult

He probably has some unresolved trauma from this and he’s trying hard not to be in that position again. Sometimes things like these can cause separation anxiety and be quite earth shattering. His dad will have to do more work with reassuring him that he and his brother always come first. Are they with him 50% of the time?

Orangesinthebag · 07/01/2025 17:37

Someone on here wrote something once which resonated with me - this is the only childhood he will experience but it's not the only relationship you or his dad have experienced.

Just sit tight & wait for him to come round on his own accord or maybe until he is a couple of years older.

It's not worth the hassle & potential upset of trying to force something before he's ready.

Original poster
Blushingm · 07/01/2025 17:40

Mauro711 · 07/01/2025 17:32

his DS's found DP and his ex splitting up very difficult

He probably has some unresolved trauma from this and he’s trying hard not to be in that position again. Sometimes things like these can cause separation anxiety and be quite earth shattering. His dad will have to do more work with reassuring him that he and his brother always come first. Are they with him 50% of the time?

Almost 50% (5 days out if 14 and half the school hols plus he does sports clubs with them on days they're not with him)

He is trying to reassure him. Always letting him know him & his brother come 1st. For example it was my birthday but the night of their sports so he went to their sports (I didn't mind) but he used that as an example that being with me won't disrupt anything he does with them and also that I really didn't have any problem and I encouraged him to go....

OP posts:
Wantitalltogoaway · 07/01/2025 17:49

FartSock5000 · 07/01/2025 11:55

@Blushingm 3 years down the line and your DP is still pandering to his child/teen?

Its one thing to take it slow and ensure the emotional stability of the kids when relationships are new after a bad breakup but this is years later and lil Johnny is still ruling over Daddy as if he is the only one who matters. As if only his feelings are important.

DP is allowed to have a life. He is allowed to have grown up relationships even if lil Johnny is sensitive and doesn't like change.

Enough of this. It's time to meet the other kids and to start living your lives as you want.

The DS isn’t saying his dad can’t have an adult relationship. He’s just saying he doesn’t want to meet her. At 15 I think he’s perfectly entitled to this.

Startingagainandagain · 07/01/2025 17:50

You are not living together and it seems you are both happy to be dating but keeping your own separate life too, so why do you need to meet this kid?

Unless you are planning to move in together or get married, there is no need for you to be involved in his sons' life.

SummerFeverVenice · 07/01/2025 17:54

At 15, he is almost an adult and he can decide when he wants to meet OP for himself. It’s not pandering to respect that a) he doesn’t need to meet OP and b) he can meet her on his own terms.

OP isn’t taking on a stepmother role for him, she never will and in a few years DS will have flown the nest. He has limited time with his dad, so she should just carry on as they have, she will have her partner 24/7 in a few years for many many more years.

Wantitalltogoaway · 07/01/2025 17:55

Girlmom35 · 07/01/2025 13:12

The first advice is quite shocking.
Please don't listen to this one. Parents or step-parents like this have children who go no contact once they've moved out.

I'm happy for this child that you're so understanding and patient.
He seems quite fearful. Does he talk to his father about what he thinks will happen if he doesn't like you? What makes him worry?
If after 3 years the child is still so affected by the divorce, is therapy an option for him?
I'd say just move forward as things are.
If anything, you and their father being respectful of their wishes will only pave the way for the development of a future relationship. Good for both of you to put the children first.

Three years is nothing! The kid was 12 when they split up and 15 now. Really very little time at all.

StormingNorman · 07/01/2025 17:59

2025HereICome · 07/01/2025 12:15

Or he will grow up secure in the knowledge that his father put him first and valued his childhood?

I, and many other people I know, had parents partners forced on us, and our adult relationships with our parents are all very strained as a result. I know of 2 who never spoke to their parent again once they turned 18. There's only 3 years of his childhood left, don't make it uncomfortable because you feel your want of a relationship trumps this child's needs for security and comfort in his own home.

He is 15, he said he doesn't want to meet OP, he's old enough to make his own decisions so just respect that. He may come around if he sees his wishes being respected.

And all this is particularly important if he doesn't see his dad full time. If he's only seeing his father 50% of the time, or less, why would he want to share that with someone else and their child?

Show quote history

Exactly this.

And why destabilise him when he is mid-GCSE’s. This is a really important few years and his wishes should be respected.

He’s not saying his dad can’t have a life; he just doesn’t want you as part of his life just yet.

Lil Johnny isn’t dictating to anyone, he is setting his boundaries in a mature and respectful way. Respecting children’s boundaries is the best way to teach them to respect others’ boundaries.

verycloakanddaggers · 07/01/2025 20:04

Blushingm · 07/01/2025 17:40

Almost 50% (5 days out if 14 and half the school hols plus he does sports clubs with them on days they're not with him)

He is trying to reassure him. Always letting him know him & his brother come 1st. For example it was my birthday but the night of their sports so he went to their sports (I didn't mind) but he used that as an example that being with me won't disrupt anything he does with them and also that I really didn't have any problem and I encouraged him to go....

Show quote history

Instead of talking about you, he might do better if he just focused on them when he is with them.

Telling them it was your birthday and then using this as an example of what a very good father he is and what a very good girlfriend you are just seems like a performance.

You both seem to need thevalidation of the children. I don't understand why you can't just get on with things quietly.

cainteoir · 07/01/2025 20:49

I'm in this situation but from the other side. My older two (older teens) will not meet my DP and it's been 3.5 years. My youngest has met him and they get on fine so we just take that as a positive and hope eventually the older two will be happy to speak to him.
It has been difficult as we are long distance and I have my kids 12 nights out of 14 so we only see each other on my 2 free nights and an occasional extra day or week in the summer. But I take the attitude that they will be gone living their own lives soon enough and we will be able to have our time together properly. Incidentally DP has never made a thing of it and is happy to wait until they are ready, and doesn't take it personally (I hope!)

12purplepencils · 07/01/2025 20:52

Do you have plenty of opportunity to see each other? Does not meeting him impact or restrict your relationship that much?

I don’t really see the issue in keeping it separate if you have enough time together.
whats in it for his son really? Why should he meet you if he doesn’t feel ready?

It would be different if he was asking his dad not to see you or to break it off but that’s not the case. Why be intent on blending families especially when his kids are teens.

Original poster
Blushingm · 08/01/2025 17:56

@verycloakanddaggers it's not like we are looking for validation or trying to make out we are great. Telling him about seeing them on my birthday was meant to be an example of how they will always come first not a way of him saying how great a father he is at all.

OP posts:
Radish81 · 22/03/2025 16:23

Have you met them yet OP?

Surely you can see how very very wrong and peculiar this is?

Original poster
Blushingm · 22/03/2025 20:37

Radish81 · 22/03/2025 16:23

Have you met them yet OP?

Surely you can see how very very wrong and peculiar this is?

Nope 😔

the eldest DS refuses to even discuss me. Youngest is quite happy

OP posts:
MarmaladeSandwichUnderMyHat · 22/03/2025 20:42

Stop pushing it-he’s 15 and doesn’t want to meet you. You’ve managed so far so why not let it be?
As PP’s have noted, relationships between parents and children can become irreparably damaged by the introduction of new partners. Think about that and not yourself and DP.

SkipToTheLight · 22/03/2025 20:44

I’d never want DP’s kids to be forced to meet me. If he’s resistant, there may be deeper reasons he can’t articulate than that he’s worried he might not like you.

If the younger child is happy to meet you, meet them. They can then relay to the elder child that you’re a good person and in their own time, I’m sure the eldest will come round. And that’s fine.

SandyY2K · 22/03/2025 20:55

Blushingm · 22/03/2025 20:37

Nope 😔

the eldest DS refuses to even discuss me. Youngest is quite happy

Show quote history

It's good that the younger one is fine with you

Crazycatlady79 · 22/03/2025 20:58

Radish81 · 22/03/2025 16:23

Have you met them yet OP?

Surely you can see how very very wrong and peculiar this is?

How is it wrong and peculiar?!