Husband arranged to meet up with ex and didn't tell me

[mairimhor]

My (35F) husband (41M) has arranged to meet up with his ex on a trip away for work and lied to me about it.

Some context:

• We have been together for 11 years and have 2 children aged 5&4

• When we met, they had already been broken up for 10 years, they got together at 15, broke up at 18 and in his words 'went in different directions' around uni, careers etc

• She is also married with 2 children and they live in another part of the country, to my knowledge they have never met up while we've been together

• He has always been open with me about having sporadic communication with her (Christmas, birthdays etc) and over the years we have discussed past relationships openly and without judgement. She encouraged him off a bad path after a shitty childhood so I always even felt grateful to her for being a person who had previously loved and looked out for him

• I had two serious relationships before him and have not ever been in communication with either of them, although both ended badly whereas his was more amicable

Given the time and the context and the fact that our marriage is otherwise strong, I wouldn't have been bothered if he'd said "oh by the way, X is in London too on this day and we're going for a drink". I wouldn't for a second have suspected anything and given the fact it's over 20 years ago now, would probably even have thought it was nice for him to have something to do on a work trip as I know he finds the evenings dull. If it did make me uncomfortable I wouldn't have expected him not to do it as I wouldn't have reasonably had cause to ask him not to - I'd have given myself a talking to.

BUT he has been planning this for weeks and lied to me about it.
I went on his laptop to show our son details of a trip we have planned and found that they have discussed meeting up for a while. There is nothing inappropriate on her part and only a couple of borderline comments from him (I like your picture, putting a kiss at the end) - and then a concrete plan to go for a meal done quite practically but over a couple of weeks while they considered different dates and got various things approved by work.

He mentioned she had messaged to say happy new year but said nothing about this. Over Christmas we had a conversation where past relationships came up in a different context and it wasn't mentioned. I then discussed his work trip with him on another occasion where he said he had no plans for the evening. He then brought it up on a third occasion where I explicitly asked if he had evening plans and he said "no but I might meet up with (male friend) and then later 'maybe I'll try and arrange meeting up with one of my friends in London'." I took all these at face value at the time but now know that he'd had a plan for weeks when he said these things.

I feel like that's two occasions where he's hidden this and two where he's actively lied to my face.

I know I have to raise this with him as it is eating me up inside. Even when other things in our marriage have been challenging (bereavements, professional challenges, parenthood, health issues) I have never doubted his honesty and until today would have said we had a great relationship. We have weathered some really difficult times together and always explicitly discussed issues within our relationship.

I feel that after 11 years of being a great husband and father I can't go down the 'dramatic confrontation' or tricking him route and I 100% do not want to end my marriage. I want to deal with this in a grown up, honest and loving way that doesn't undermine our trust in the long term. I think there's a chance that he hasn't told me as he doesn't know how I'll react, but isn't intending anything bad. I'm also not prepared to spy on him or go behind his back. I probably shouldn't have even read his messages but we have never kept anything like that from each other - we would give each other our phones to reply to people etc - and honestly I was just being nosey.

The actual event is planned for next week. At the moment I plan to give him a chance to tell me the truth before he goes. If at any point he is upfront with me I am honestly prepared just to let it go given the context. If he isn't then I will speak to him when he gets back. But if this happens I have absolutely no idea what to say, or where this leaves me. Help :(

I wouldn't wait to speak to him when he gets back, I would speak to him before he goes.

Not much advice but l think the dark days of December and then all the heightened emotions around Christmas make a lot of people think about their exes (including me). However, l think any relationship with an ex is potentially fraught with difficulty and l nearly always think it's a bad sign if someone in a relationship is looking to reconnect to an ex to the extent of planning and going out for meals. That's more than the odd birthday text once in a while.

I think a coffee meet up is one thing but planning a dinner is different. It just feels more like a date. It's the 'being kept in the dark' which is the upsetting part because then you question why the secrecy, and even if you know that nothing is going to happen the omission of truth/plain avoidance of truth/lying is really hurtful. I would have the conversation before. It does not sound as though he is going to come clean about this. Waiting for him to fail is going to be more painful, although you can then say 'I knew it' it won't change the outcome. If you have a conversation, (you may even give your 'blessing') there is no frisson of secrecy, he goes knowing full well you know.

There's definitely part of me that would want you to go like spy mode watching him have dinner from the street with a scarf, sunglasses, binoculars.. if he did have something dishonest in mind you won't know by bringing it up before he goes on the trip.

Many times women want to have concrete proof but keep themselves from actually getting that proof by being so honest and mature. But he's not being honest and mature. So by treating him better than he's treating you, you're giving him credit he doesn't deserve and continuing your abuse cycle.

What if you treat him as he's treating you as someone you're hiding something from intentionally until you get what you want. You won't get what want by telling him you went thru his email, he'll make it about that and now you're untrustworthy and you have to prove your worth to him.

He has planned a date with another woman to happen while out of town, lied to you multiple times. He's okay lying to you if it means this other woman and him get what they want... He's purposefully keeping you in the dark.

Agree with the others that the dinner aspect is more date like than if he was meeting her for lunch.

It's a dick move and I wouldn't be happy with this at all. He has had plenty of opportunities to mention this to you and has chosen not to. Speaking from my own experience just because you have broken up a long time ago doesn't mean there isn't still an attraction unfortunately.

I feel for you OP

You're being extremely naïve. Your husband is lying and sneaking around and yes you're trying to make it all sound fine.

Your husband has arranged a date with his ex and hid it from you. You are definitely giving him too much credit to act honourably. You're being very naive about this situation.
I really hope he comes clean and nothing happens, I would struggle to trust him again.

I hope this all works out in your favour OP x

You sound reasonable and you clearly haven’t been fussed about this issue when he’s been open and transparent about their communication.

But on this occasion he clearly hasn’t been open and so I can see why you feel unsettled.

You do need to raise it with him, however the problem is he’s already been a bit sneaky and dishonest, so whatever he says won’t resolve that.

”I like your picture” with a kiss at the end is disrespectful behaviour and I take your stance with the not needing to keep chit chatting with exes purely due to this type of thing.

Agree with one of the PP - what he has done is dick move.

Sounds like a job for the mumsnet PI team! If you tell us which city the planned date is perhaps we can send someone.

The question is, if he returns from the date and you confront him. He's honest (best case scenario) admits that it was wrong but he thought it might upset you and nothing is going on. Would you be satisfied with that? Would you believe or trust him?

I would want evidence of the date and to see how they interacted, how they were dressed and where they went afterwards. If it's cordial and nothing beyond that and they go on their way, maybe there's a route back, otherwise I'm not so sure. Without knowing which, it would eat me up and possibly lead to end of the marriage as resentment festered.

I don't know how you can be so chill about this, I'd lose my shit over the "I like your picture x" message let alone the dinner date which he's been hiding from you. Nope, there's not a chance I'd be able to trust him after that. Sorry OP

Don’t mention it, let him go and then on his return ask “how was xxx”

Let him fall on his own sword as he won’t have a clue what you know.

I would raise it with him before he goes. See how he reacts.

This is obviously a problem but I'd focus on why you think he's doing it. You know him better than anyone - whats his motivation for lying? Is he keeping it from you because he thinks you'll be jealous and stop him going? Because he wants to pursue something romantic with her? Because he's fiercely protective of his independence?

Depending on the answer that would shape my decision on whether to raise it before or after the dinner date.

I agree with those posters saying this seems a bit sketchy. If it was innocent in his mind he'd just tell you. He could just be looking for a little thrill or flirt or whatever but it's still hurtful.

Do you know the date they are planning to meet? If so, you could say to him that someone has offered al babysitting on that day and wouldn't it be fun to meet up for a date night.

When he dismisses the idea ask him exactly what else he'd rather be doing.

Then say nothing. And keep saying nothing until he properly starts talking in a way that indicates he understands his marriage is at stake.

I really hope for your sake that there's nothing going on, but I think you need to prepare yourself. I suggest you get someone to look after the children then have a serious conversation with your husband and find out what he thinks he's playing at.

i dunno someone he was together with for 3 years as a teenager doesn't necessarily ring alarm bells.

however the explicit avoidance of mentioning it makes it seem unnecessarily clandestine. Just bring it up to him and be honest.

is the issue the lying or meeting up, or both?

I wouldn't care if my H was meeting his ex. I wouldn't care if it was dinner, lunch, a film, bowling, whatever. I would absolutely take issue with the lying blatantly and by omission.

If it's so innocent what does he need to protect you from? So it's not innocent and he knows it hence you are married to a lier who and is putting his marriage at risk so he can go on a date with his Ex lover. (Yes it's a date) Please wake up before it's too late and don't bother trying to be the cool wife. He wants to spend the dinner date with her and clearly away without you or if it was so innocent he'd have invited her round before now and more importantly it wouldn't be a sordid little secret. He is at the very least taking you for granted and the worst wanting a shag with his Ex whilst you're at home watching his children.

I forgot the message he's left with a kiss forget my last comment! That indicates an attraction and who wants to see their husband commenting on that! Yep, all things considered a dick move.

Don’t wait for the date to have happened. Talk to him now, tell him that 3 times you’ve innocently with no malice asked him about his plans for London and had no reason to doubt him.
bit now you’ve seen that all along he’s had other plans for a date with his ex and while you’d have zero issue with it if he’d be truthful.
his lies and his words in the messages have created doubt in your mind about him and his intentions.

then just stop talking, don’t accuse him of anything but let him fill the silence and see what he has to say.

dont let him continue form the path he’s on. If nothing else it’ll sat you up, you’ll call him
when you know he’s out and he’ll lie to you or just not pick up and things will be so much worse.

Wow thanks all I didn't expect this much so quickly!

Some answers to things people have asked: I'm prepared to be this chill about it because it's after 11 years of otherwise solid. He is my best friend, the one who looked after me during a HG pregnancy, helped me get my dad to hospital in time to save his life, helped me write the eulogy for my grandad, supported my career change when I lost my job 3 weeks pp, and just been there for all the tiny moments that make up life and I have to weigh that in this too.

I also have the teenage thing in my mind. He's in his 40s and has said in the past that while he did care about her a lot, it wasn't an 'adult' relationship. So it's not like this is a woman from a couple of years ago - it's essentially a childhood relationship/friend and I understand the impulse to want to talk to a person you once cared about at that time of your life.

It's absolutely the lying that worries me. Her messages to him are totally appropriate - she mentions her husband, her tone is really straightforward and she asks him about me and the kids in the way you would an old friend. So I don't think anything physical has happened.

To be honest as well, it would be normal with us both to arrange our own social things without much mention to the other apart from checking we were ok for childcare. I would tell him details if he asked and vice versa, but we both have our own lives and friends in that sense and always been ok with that. So if he'd arranged to see her and then just mentioned it to me in passing I wouldn't have thought anything about it beyond probably 'oh that's nice'. It's the concealment and omission and outright lying.

I take the point about raising it before he goes and might do that. I think he is probably getting a bit of a secret thrill out of it if I'm honest and, being brutally honest with myself, I've had occasions where I've found coworkers etc attractive or known they fancied me, and it's just been a nice little mental/confidence boost never acted on that didn't affect my relationship. I don't expect to spend a lifetime with someone without ever facing temptation. So I don't begrudge him the feeling - what I object to is the lies. I also think he might worry about my reaction as I am quite vocal about my views .

Thanks again for the support :(

'He then brought it up on a third occasion where I explicitly asked if he had evening plans and he said "No but I might meet up with (male friend) and then later 'maybe I'll try and arrange meeting up with one of my friends in London'." I took all these at face value at the time but now know that he'd had a plan for weeks when he said these things'.

He indicated his intentions there; he simply disguised his plans.

I think it's okay to be friends and check-in. Sometimes people can be fond of each other; however, the wrong place, time, etc. means an actual relationship with a foundation and longevity is never on the cards. I'm not a fan of ostracising exes to mitigate a potential conflict or problem.

It's unusual, especially considering there's no real need for him to hide anything because you've historically been relaxed about it and he's been open.....
I'd mention it before he goes, he's brought this on himself. Although if the messages are plain it may well be just a catch up and a dinner.... Very difficult to read their intentions.
Marriages/relationships do go through challenges. Not a pleasant challenge to face at the beginning of 2025.

i mean loads of people leave kisses, depending on where they're from. it doesn't mean attraction often its trying to make sure a message doesn't sound to officious in tone.

the is it.

for some people meeting and old friend would be enough of heads up. bringing up the fact you dated at 15 is negligible (to me)

but if it bothers you then fine to bring it up and make it clear to DH that its something you would want to know.

sometimes people lie not because they're hiding anything but because they're unsure of how people will react and don't want to deal with a potentially negative outcome.