Husband arranged to meet up with ex and didn't tell me

[mairimhor]

My (35F) husband (41M) has arranged to meet up with his ex on a trip away for work and lied to me about it.

Some context:

• We have been together for 11 years and have 2 children aged 5&4

• When we met, they had already been broken up for 10 years, they got together at 15, broke up at 18 and in his words 'went in different directions' around uni, careers etc

• She is also married with 2 children and they live in another part of the country, to my knowledge they have never met up while we've been together

• He has always been open with me about having sporadic communication with her (Christmas, birthdays etc) and over the years we have discussed past relationships openly and without judgement. She encouraged him off a bad path after a shitty childhood so I always even felt grateful to her for being a person who had previously loved and looked out for him

• I had two serious relationships before him and have not ever been in communication with either of them, although both ended badly whereas his was more amicable

Given the time and the context and the fact that our marriage is otherwise strong, I wouldn't have been bothered if he'd said "oh by the way, X is in London too on this day and we're going for a drink". I wouldn't for a second have suspected anything and given the fact it's over 20 years ago now, would probably even have thought it was nice for him to have something to do on a work trip as I know he finds the evenings dull. If it did make me uncomfortable I wouldn't have expected him not to do it as I wouldn't have reasonably had cause to ask him not to - I'd have given myself a talking to.

BUT he has been planning this for weeks and lied to me about it.
I went on his laptop to show our son details of a trip we have planned and found that they have discussed meeting up for a while. There is nothing inappropriate on her part and only a couple of borderline comments from him (I like your picture, putting a kiss at the end) - and then a concrete plan to go for a meal done quite practically but over a couple of weeks while they considered different dates and got various things approved by work.

He mentioned she had messaged to say happy new year but said nothing about this. Over Christmas we had a conversation where past relationships came up in a different context and it wasn't mentioned. I then discussed his work trip with him on another occasion where he said he had no plans for the evening. He then brought it up on a third occasion where I explicitly asked if he had evening plans and he said "no but I might meet up with (male friend) and then later 'maybe I'll try and arrange meeting up with one of my friends in London'." I took all these at face value at the time but now know that he'd had a plan for weeks when he said these things.

I feel like that's two occasions where he's hidden this and two where he's actively lied to my face.

I know I have to raise this with him as it is eating me up inside. Even when other things in our marriage have been challenging (bereavements, professional challenges, parenthood, health issues) I have never doubted his honesty and until today would have said we had a great relationship. We have weathered some really difficult times together and always explicitly discussed issues within our relationship.

I feel that after 11 years of being a great husband and father I can't go down the 'dramatic confrontation' or tricking him route and I 100% do not want to end my marriage. I want to deal with this in a grown up, honest and loving way that doesn't undermine our trust in the long term. I think there's a chance that he hasn't told me as he doesn't know how I'll react, but isn't intending anything bad. I'm also not prepared to spy on him or go behind his back. I probably shouldn't have even read his messages but we have never kept anything like that from each other - we would give each other our phones to reply to people etc - and honestly I was just being nosey.

The actual event is planned for next week. At the moment I plan to give him a chance to tell me the truth before he goes. If at any point he is upfront with me I am honestly prepared just to let it go given the context. If he isn't then I will speak to him when he gets back. But if this happens I have absolutely no idea what to say, or where this leaves me. Help :(

I agree with others.
Ask specifics directly just before he goes.
If he still ommits to mention it, ask why.
Don't be derailed by how you know.
Just a straight up question as to why.

It's definitely very disappointing.
I wouldn't be impressed and he'd know it.

He has lied by omission, and then lied directly to you, while this woman may have expressed no interest in your DH in that way clearly he is open to exploring that idea. This woman may say no, but what about the next woman or the woman after her? He has created an opportunity to be unfaithful, it's only a matter of time before a line is crossed. I write this as someone that had a 15 year relationship that I believed was loving and faithful, unfortunately he rightly believed that I was too trusting and gullible. Please protect yourself OP.

mine hit the skids at 11-12 years too - exactly when he went ‘off piste’ and started lapping up attention from a female colleague. There were lies by omission, stuff hidden. My instincts picked up on it before my head did. Went looking for evidence and found it. Nothing physically happened but may well have escalated to a dangerous point had I not nipped it in the bud. I got anger, denials, called crazy. He finally woke up from his stupid daze and realised what he could lose. Men can be idiots at times and often led by their egos and d@cks

Did you stay with him? I couldn't have stayed with someone who called me crazy when I was 100% right. It's the ultimate insult to gaslight someone and make them think it's all in their head

I don’t really want to discuss that and derail the thread.

Q

Did you see if there was any messages from his previous visits arranging meet ups?

I do think you need to be a little more cautious, many a person here will tell you they were blindsided by their partners affair/secrets.

I also agree to making sure he knows you know.

There's a reason he's lying. You need to speak to him about it ASAP.

Knowing how dull he finds the evenings you could book a babysitter and turn up for a surprise romantic meal ....

I would act normal and call before he is set to go out to dinner and end the call with a breezy 'have a good time with x' byyeee and hang up. If he doesn't pick up txt it to him. Panic will set in fast, his response will tell you everything

Do you know for a fact that the work trip is genuine?

Honestly, the meeting up and dinner wouldn't bother me...dinners can be casual. But the hiding/omitting would be an issue. Just be upfront with him before he leaves. Hey DH, saw that you're meeting up with X, see what he has to say. His response will tell you all.
If its bothering you, tell him before he goes, no point saying anything afterwards.

Boundaries vary in relationships, but such intentional deception would be a serious breach in mine.

@mairimhor, you have always been fine with their interaction. He knows this, so please don’t tolerate any blame-shifting such as ‘I thought you might be uncomfortable’. Don’t allow any attempts to make you responsible for his dishonesty, or indeed for his pursuit of this thrill.

As you stated earlier, it’s normal to be faced with temptation and boosted by flattery/attention, but the key is how we respond to that. A respectful, monogamous spouse keeps strong boundaries and doesn’t invest in actions which hurt/devalue his partner and damage trust. He doesn’t create an imbalance of power in the relationship.

@mairimhor, have you gained any clarity about how you’ll confront H with what you know?

Any update, OP? Hope it's all okay

How disrespectful of him.

Goodness, if my husband sprung this on me, I would sabotage the trip. He would not be going ANYWHERE. There is never an excuse for this behaviour.

Him telling her I like your picture with a kiss at the end is very disrespectful. Where does this lead? I like you more face to face and then a night in a hotel room? I would have it out with him before he goes too. I would tell him if I find anything else that I am unsure about then he is out the door. I am sorry that you are going through this. An ex got back in touch with me several months ago after not talking to him for about 20 years, it led to disaster. I nearly left my husband for him, he got in to my head that much and I was going through a bad patch with my hubbie. I do think it is risky with exs as feelings often easily flare back up. I have a work friend that my hubbie has met not my type at all but he is so supportive and likes our little lunch dates, so do I. I know there is not a love/lust interest there and we will always be just friends. To go out with him every few months I tell my hubbie I am meeting him for lunch. He is fine about it, the key to a lot of things is honesty.

@mairimhor, I have been thinking of you. Did you speak to your H before he left?

@mairimhor any update?

Hi op, did you get this sorted out?