Husband arranged to meet up with ex and didn't tell me

[mairimhor]

My (35F) husband (41M) has arranged to meet up with his ex on a trip away for work and lied to me about it.

Some context:

• We have been together for 11 years and have 2 children aged 5&4

• When we met, they had already been broken up for 10 years, they got together at 15, broke up at 18 and in his words 'went in different directions' around uni, careers etc

• She is also married with 2 children and they live in another part of the country, to my knowledge they have never met up while we've been together

• He has always been open with me about having sporadic communication with her (Christmas, birthdays etc) and over the years we have discussed past relationships openly and without judgement. She encouraged him off a bad path after a shitty childhood so I always even felt grateful to her for being a person who had previously loved and looked out for him

• I had two serious relationships before him and have not ever been in communication with either of them, although both ended badly whereas his was more amicable

Given the time and the context and the fact that our marriage is otherwise strong, I wouldn't have been bothered if he'd said "oh by the way, X is in London too on this day and we're going for a drink". I wouldn't for a second have suspected anything and given the fact it's over 20 years ago now, would probably even have thought it was nice for him to have something to do on a work trip as I know he finds the evenings dull. If it did make me uncomfortable I wouldn't have expected him not to do it as I wouldn't have reasonably had cause to ask him not to - I'd have given myself a talking to.

BUT he has been planning this for weeks and lied to me about it.
I went on his laptop to show our son details of a trip we have planned and found that they have discussed meeting up for a while. There is nothing inappropriate on her part and only a couple of borderline comments from him (I like your picture, putting a kiss at the end) - and then a concrete plan to go for a meal done quite practically but over a couple of weeks while they considered different dates and got various things approved by work.

He mentioned she had messaged to say happy new year but said nothing about this. Over Christmas we had a conversation where past relationships came up in a different context and it wasn't mentioned. I then discussed his work trip with him on another occasion where he said he had no plans for the evening. He then brought it up on a third occasion where I explicitly asked if he had evening plans and he said "no but I might meet up with (male friend) and then later 'maybe I'll try and arrange meeting up with one of my friends in London'." I took all these at face value at the time but now know that he'd had a plan for weeks when he said these things.

I feel like that's two occasions where he's hidden this and two where he's actively lied to my face.

I know I have to raise this with him as it is eating me up inside. Even when other things in our marriage have been challenging (bereavements, professional challenges, parenthood, health issues) I have never doubted his honesty and until today would have said we had a great relationship. We have weathered some really difficult times together and always explicitly discussed issues within our relationship.

I feel that after 11 years of being a great husband and father I can't go down the 'dramatic confrontation' or tricking him route and I 100% do not want to end my marriage. I want to deal with this in a grown up, honest and loving way that doesn't undermine our trust in the long term. I think there's a chance that he hasn't told me as he doesn't know how I'll react, but isn't intending anything bad. I'm also not prepared to spy on him or go behind his back. I probably shouldn't have even read his messages but we have never kept anything like that from each other - we would give each other our phones to reply to people etc - and honestly I was just being nosey.

The actual event is planned for next week. At the moment I plan to give him a chance to tell me the truth before he goes. If at any point he is upfront with me I am honestly prepared just to let it go given the context. If he isn't then I will speak to him when he gets back. But if this happens I have absolutely no idea what to say, or where this leaves me. Help :(

Putting my head above the parapet. I had an affair with my ex-boyfriend from my teenage years and reading your post - I would have thought it was about us 😣

I'm 80% sure he's going to try and shag her.

Hence giving you the heads up that he's out for dinner and then out with a guy pal later for drinks.

Making sure he can send now send you a quick text on the day to say "love you speak tomorrow I'm on a late one with John tonight Nn x" so you'll be cool.

Hes sooo not cool. He is up to no good.

True but after 'I like your picture' it's not going to sound officious, but I take your point. First day back at work, am failing to think as rationally as I might otherwise 😂

10000000% agree with this

Best friends don't tell lies and sneak around to get a thrill from meeting an ex.

I agree, however, the op isn't jealous nor does she have historical trauma with high walls. She's even admitted that attention from others can give a twinkle, a self-esteem boost. It's entirely natural to attract others to others to be attracted to our partners. So there's no real need to disguise or lie because the op isn't controlling.
Crush/Limerance threads are common on Mumsnet.
I feel dinners are a bit too much of a date. Maybe he's got a longing to meet face to face with a crush fixation in his head..............
I think the old flame will shut him down.........It'll be an anti-climax...

It's not you is it 😂

I also have the teenage thing in my mind. He's in his 40s and has said in the past that while he did care about her a lot, it wasn't an 'adult' relationship. So it's not like this is a woman from a couple of years ago - it's essentially a childhood relationship/friend and I understand the impulse to want to talk to a person you once cared about at that time of your life.

There is a man I went out with for a few months when I was a teenager.

We lost touch once we'd left school for various reasons and I bumped into him in the pub about 6 years ago. We didn't have sex as teenagers (we were both very good!).

He complimented me, I complimented him ad we flirted a bit. We went out a few times after bumping into each other - purely as friends just to catch up.

And then we had sex several times. Neither of is wanted a relationship with the other but it was fun.

We were both single so that's slightly different.

But your husband isn't behaving like a married man anyway.

There is no way he isn't at least thinking about it and is mostly likely willing to see how it pans out.

Otherwise, you'd know about it.

I wouldn't mind the dinner or even liking a picture. So many people send me messages with those annoying 'xxx' that it's lost all meaning.

It would bother me though, that he's chosen to keep this from you, having had several opportunities to mention it. I feel like having a conversation with him now is like helping him out of this ommission/forcing him to be honest so would wait for him to come back and 'tells' me about his time in London. He's already made you uneasy, but then you'd be absolutely sure he means to hide this from you. Then you can have a conversation about the damage he's done to your relationship.

I wouldn't be able to sit on this information.

People that his things have something to hide.

He is not as enamoured with you as you are with him and he wants another go with the ex, whether it just be a sexual encounter or more is undetermined at this point.

People that hide things have something to hide -^

Thank you - I'm not saying I'd be overjoyed at him having a crush but I believe these things are totally normal and natural and actually can help your primary relationship (e.g. by the object of your crush not measuring up to them) and ime they always pass. It's one of those things, if your marriage ultimately lasts decades it's unlikely that in all that time you'll never see anyone you feel any attraction to. What matters is if you handle that with respect to your SO (to me anyway, everyone's relationship is unique).

All of which to say, if he had the opportunity to catch up with someone who had been very important in his life 20+ years ago and took it, I'd be absolutely fine with it. I've never felt bitter towards her and when he's talked about her before it's been in the context of his relationship with her putting him on a better path in life even though they were very young and ultimately went different ways (e.g. she really valued education and encouraged him not to leave school early - he ended up with post-grad level quals and a good career). I've always said a version of, wow you were lucky that your first relationship was a good experience and I'm glad you had someone to do that for you. So I don't think I've ever given him reason to believe I'd fly off the handle at the sniff of an ex...

Please confront him before he goes OP. You do not have to minimise how you feel about this. Your gut is telling you this is not ok and it will consume you whilst he is away. Please do yourself a favour and ask him outright. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

He might have been your rock up until now to your knowledge. The other thing to contemplate, though, is that if he is prepared to keep this out of your sight and mind now, it may not have been the first time.
Call him on it before the night.
If all in good faith he won’t mind telling you all about it. He might even ask you to go along too.
Imagine yourself in his shoes. It wouldn’t matter if you have no cause up until now to mistrust him, the problem is that you have cause now.
Make time to discuss this.
And tell him that you do not want to go.

I was chatting to someone only 6 weeks ago whose very committed boyfriend of 10 years suddenly arranged to go for a drink with an old flame and then the day after broke up with her.
It’s OK to feel concern and to voice this. The more you care about him, the more you have every right to tell him this is not OK. EVEN if it is all above board, which he will tell you it is, the fact that he has been secretive means that it’s not OK.

And would you be writing to Mumsnet if you genuinely thought this was all fine?

I wouldn't wait until he got back. I 100% would ask him straight up who he is having dinner with whilst away

It might shock him into realising what a dick he's being if he is indeed being a dick

👀I don't think so 😅but honestly it sounds so similar, exactly how it started. I'd be calling him out on it and putting a stop to it now.

The problem is if you confront him about it and he says it's nothing to worry about, just a catch up with a friend and apologises for not telling you, are you suddenly going to feel relaxed? I fear you will start to trust him less and less. I think this is a bit of a tricky situation

To be honest this would be my ideal scenario 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't think anything physical has happened or will happen so if he acknowledged he'd been a s**t and apologised I'd accept it

The fact he has carefully preset your expectations of an extended evening with his cover story would worry me.

He is clearly hoping this will be more than just dinner.

Well this is awkward 😂 You're not planning a reunion next week are you?!

In which case you know him and your relationship best.

Call him out on the dishonesty and if you get the response you want then let it slide. Your relationship sounds like it has a fairly solid foundation.

But if it happens again I’d reconsider your stance on it.

Several years ago my husband started going back to his home town to visit his DC who he had been estranged from. Apparently he also met up with an old girlfriend- he had always implied it was unfinished business' during previous conversations about ex's.
He mentioned he had seen her and had a chat. They spoke about their previous relationship and realised it would have been viable if they had discussed the issue of her leaving her husband. She had a new partner but it was rocky. Next time he was having a pub lunch to discuss her doing our accounts! Then came Christmas and I saw that he had sent her flowers and messages with xx. He was open about the previous visits but not the flowers. I saw the phone bill and he'd been ringing her. That was enough for me...we had a meaningful discussion about crossing the line - I could see it coming, he was feeling sorry for her too...their 'friendship' stopped, it was her or his family. He chose wisely.

No, I am happily married now 😄 but I have lived out this scenario 🤐