Please help me decide if I should start again at 38...

[anotherusernamehere]

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed and feel there's a lot needed to get the full picture. Sorry in advance. Also sorry if I come across very clinical re "eggs/embryos" etc... I'm just thing to detach and think about things logically..

I'm 38 and really want to have a family with a partner. I have a very low number of eggs left- supposedly called premature ovarian failure as I discovered this at 34 when looking into freezing eggs. I have as much chance as anyone else at 38 of getting pregnant but I will likely go through earlier menopause (had a lot of symptoms last year during a very stressful work time but appear to have gone away for now) and with IVF I will only get one egg per cycle so crap odds. (I know as I spent most of aged 35-36 doing egg freezing cycles and managed to freezing 12 eggs).

I also spent almost 10 years with a partner on and off who, although amazing in every other way, had serious commitment issues and couldn't make up his mind about having a child/getting married etc. This is why I ended up looking into freezing eggs &found the fertility issues.

My current partner knows all of the above and we've been together 18 months. I always had it in my head that I would try to have a baby now with or without him (upon turning 38 at the end of last year and also completing a professional qualification which resulted in a substantial payrise so I could afford it). He's was aware that's the path I'm on and hoped to be with him. Before anyone jumps on about that's all I want him for, it's not, I love him hugely and there's so much wonderful about our relationship. However I've already wasted 10 years of my life with someone who messed me around re kids and I'm not willing to do it again as I know I'll regret it forever if I miss out on being a mum.

So now we've come to the time and he's "not ready". He is older (46) and says he wants kids but only if he's 100% sure about the person. He's only ever lived with one partner for 6 months or so in the past and I'm realising now he also has commitment issues! We had a few counselling sessions but she wasn't great and basically said he's got a decision to make and he's never going to get the 100% certainty he wants about the future (comes from a broken home and doesn't want that for his children etc).

We live together now (although I have kept my property so could easily move out) but that is only because I basically gave him an ultimatum in the Summer. He "wasn't ready" but agrees that he is happy with how its gone and is happy living together etc. It's my "aggressive timeline" for children that he's not on board with. I dont think 18 months, at late 30s and 40s is "aggressive"- let alone when there's also fertility issues. But even if I was willing to wait longer, he's also said he can't see himself being ready for a baby "within a year"... so that's taking me to almost 39 to begin trying....

To be fair to him, he is also dealing with a health issue that is concerning for him and another personal issue to do with a minor crime against him (trying not to be too outing) so he's said he's stressed about those issues and lots about us etc. He's admitted there are clearly issues that are more to do with him than with me/us but he "can't help how he feels" about not being ready.

So now...what do I do? I've realised I can't/don't want to have a baby alone. If I knew my eggs were still OK then I'd try to freeze more but I know the stats aren't in my favour at 38. So ideally I need to create embryos (or try to) to see if my eggs are any good. I've asked him if he would be up for creating embryos with me and he's currently saying he's not ready...although he's going to do some reading/think about it etc this week and we'll chat again at the weekend. I just feel like there's zero risk to him in creating embryos apart from the money (we can afford it so ). All he has to do is w* into a cup and then if we get any embryos I can't use them unless/until he's happy with it. That's exactly why he thinks (pretending to be the good guy!) that I should go ahead with a sperm donor if I feel I need to do it, as that way I can use them if I want and they're not wasted etc. I don't really think I'd want a sperm donor but I guess I'd consider it if I was with a partner in future who was going to raise the child with me (as opposed to doing it as a single mum now). So I guess maybe this is what I need to do?!?

Ugh my head is just such a mess...I can't believe I've ended up picking another guy with commitment issues and who's wasting my time. He claims he hasn't as nothings changed about what he wants but its just our timeliness aren't in sync...but I guess also he doesn't want kids as desperately as I do..so if it doesn't happen he's OK with it I think...

When pushed for why he isn't certain about me/kids, he doesn't really know. He's waiting for a feeling that he's never had and thinks he should have before taking that step. Occasionally he can give me silly little examples (just like my ex!!) like worrying we don't have enough in common or having different opinions on things... but again.. these are clearly not enough of an issue to want to end the relationship.. just not progress to children etc?

I can't bear the thought of losing him, for all the usual reasons of wanting HIM and loving him but also the petrifying fear of having to start dating and doing it all over again..

I mean, I could start the egg/embryo freezing process and stay with him..but then surely if he could ever see himself having a family with me, he'd want to try to create embryos...?

Any advice, thoughts welcome? Esp on starting again at this age and meeting someone who wants kids :(

I am sorry that you are in this situation, OP. I think you have to take him at his word in not wanting children. If I were you and I really wanted children, I would go it alone. I suppose you have a difficult choice: stay with him and maybe end up resenting him or go it alone which may be difficult but it is do-able, as many women on here will attest.

Could you do artificial insemination? Frankly, would it be worse than picking a guy and rushing through with a relationship in order to have children? What if he's infertile?

Honestly I would move out and use a donor. You don't have time to waste with someone who may or may not change his mind and may not end up being a good partner or parent anyway. I see so many posts from women on this site, stuck with feckless idiots, who would be much better off parenting alone. I wouldn't bank on meeting anyone else with enough time to have a baby at this point so think you are best off doing it alone and there is a chance you will meet someone in the future once you have hopefully had your child

Sorry op but if you want kids, I'd start down the donor route. If the first one doesn't work and he changes his mind you can try the usual methods of his sperm. But I agree with you that if he doesn't want it now..... And he's not a baby. He's nearing 50!! DH and I were 37 and 30 respectively when we got married (18 months into the relationship) and we knew we had to start immediately due to my fertility and his age. We have three now - one at 33 and twins at 38. If this is what you want, don't let him stop you

I'm afraid I only read as far as him saying "aggressive". He's no empathy and won't be a good partner or father.

If at 46 and after 18 months he isn't onboard with the idea then he doesn't want kids regardless of what he says to you.

If I were you I would move back to your own home and go it alone with a sperm donor. If you want children then it is really your only option. You may always regret it if you don't try.

My friend had IVF and is a single mum and has coped so well despite having no family to help either.

I agree with the above. Your partner sounds a time waster and isn't giving any thought to how you're 38 and cutting it fine. He's clearly not ready and like you said, is fearful of commitment. In honesty, I can understand that considering that you've only been together 18 months, but also completely understand your "need" for motherhood.

Ditch and grab a donor! All the best, I hope you get to be a mummy x

My thoughts exactly. “Aggressive timeline”. What the heck?
I call empathy and shame deficit.
He’s either with you in your dreams and hopes for the future. Or he isn’t. And if he’s in between - which it sounds like - he’s actively holding you back and acting against you.
Which is more important to you? Baby or man?

I have some sympathy with the partner here. For those who are saying 18 months is plenty of time for him to make his mind up, I think it's quite quick to go from not wanting children to meeting someone and being persuaded to go for it. I didn't want children and my DP did, and it took over two years for me to change my mind and agree to try for a baby, and even then it felt quite fast (we'd been living together for over a year at that point). We were late 30s but with no fertility issues that we knew of. Obviously it is not your fault, OP, that you are likely to go through the menopause early and need to move fast, but that will also be putting extra pressure on him to make a really big decision about both your futures.

Like you, DP had thought she might have a baby alone if she didn't find the right partner, but when the time came didn't feel she wanted to be a lone parent. She chose our relationship and would have stayed even with the possibility that I wouldn't change my mind. But we're both women, so we were always going to use a sperm donor and I guess if she'd wanted to keep her options open she could have created and frozen some embryos. I think if I were in your position, I'd push for creating embryos together with no strings attached when you have your chat this weekend - this is actually the only possible compromise between wanting to start now and not being sure/ready. If he won't do that then he's really just saying 'no' now rather than 'maybe later'.

Thank you for the replies so far.

I'm not totally against having a baby alone but it's really not what I'm happy to do right now.. I could see myself maybe using an embryo I've created with a sperm donor if I had a partner to help me raise the child - I want the family and the relationship. Does that affect any of the advice? I guess I feel like there's a scale of what I'm hoping for.. first is for my current partner to be ready to commit and have a family.. but if that doesn't work then I want to keep my options open for having a baby with someone else (frozen eggs and future partner's sperm? but no idea currently if my frozen eggs are any good..) or with someone else and using sperm donor (still having a partner to love and live as a family) then followed by maybe adoption/parenting in other ways such as step parent/fostering etc if I can't have biological children.. I really feel I want that mothering role but within a committed relationship.. :(

Ultimately even in a committed relationship, there is a chance that relationship won't last forever.

If you had to pick would you choose single mother with a baby by donor sperm, or staying with your partner and potentially never having a child?

Having had kids with the wrong man, I would definitely choose being a single mum over rushing into things with someone who is not sure. You have said you have fertility issues so if I were you I would get started on trying to have a baby now with or without your partner. Even if you freeze eggs, he may withdraw his consent or you may struggle to get pregnant. If you definitely want a child then I would make that the priority. You can always find a new partner at just about any age.

Is he open to keeping the relationship going but with you having a baby with a donor? I would go for having the child now, by whatever means. There are other options for relationships. You can't afford to wait and it's too risky to ditch and see if you find a new committed relationship in time. Having a baby alone doesn't mean you'll always be mothering alone- if you can disconnect these in your head it may help.

All due respect but having a partner at thr time of conception is no guarantee of them being around in the ensuing years. Even being married. Or a guarantee that they wouldn't be a useless father.

You need to take them out of the equation. Make a decision based on the facts, not the maybes because you've run out of time for those maybes to be anything other than procrastination.

The positives of going it alone are that all the major decisions will be yours. You will not be tied for life to someone less than you deserve. Your child will not go through a painful divorce or shared custody. Any future partners you attract will necessarily be more mature than your current one because they will be decisively dating women with children.

I just look at Tinsley Mortimer for example, who cried over her frozen eggs and waited and waited for a decent man to come along. In the end, she married a widower with several of his own children and is being a lovely stepmother, but still...you can't help feeling she should have taken care of herself rather than looking to fate or God or whatever to set things up.

I wouldn’t commit your frozen eggs to potentially creating embryos with a man who will refuse you using them in the future.

Do it with a donor, if you’re not ready to use a donor now to try and get pregnant. But if you want to be a mother, I think you need to start the process now, and find the man/relationship after

Have a baby with a donor now imo. Then your partner can chose to stay or you can find another one later doen the line. Im your age too (i have DC) i think you'll regret it if you dont and it really is the last couple of years. I havr a dh but it's not guranteed in any realtionship to last, if you want DC, go for it.

You don't have the time anymore to have a four point priority list to work through. Listen to the parents telling you if you want kids go and get a donor now. If you have a child, you will look back at this post and think you were mental to prioritise having a man in your life above the sort of love you can't even countenance.

If you do want a child you will regret not doing everything you can to make it happen for the rest of your life. You will never feel that way about a man.

OP, very gently because I can feel the longing in what you write (and it is something that I struggle with in my interpretation of marriage and family), but you are mixing your need for love/belonging/validation with your desire to be a parent.

And aside from whether or not this man wants kids (it reads like a firm no), the more important thing is that he doesn't want them now, with you, and he is starting to undermine your clearly expressed desire by saying things like "your aggressive timeline". He knew about your timeline from early on, so why is it aggressive now?

Anyhow, if you want to be a parent, now is the time and that might be with a donor. If you fertilise embryos with your partner, could he potentially block their use? Then you'd be up shit creek with no time and fewer eggs, frozen or otherwise.

The need for love/belonging/validation is a longer-term bit of work that would probably benfit from therapy. I am a similar age and my thoughts over having kids have always been tied in with an idealised view of what they "mean" in terms of family, committment, and my own desirability as a partner. Anyone on here can tell you that that is not what kids are for.

Don't have kids with him.

'I'm not ready' at 46 means 'I do not want kids. I just don't want you to know that'.

Your partner atm is 'a bit of fun' as a best case scenario. As is...it sounds like you've let him become a head wrecker. He's not actually serious about you and I think deep down, you know it. If you're giving someone ultimatums on how to be with you, the relationship is already over.

Kid wise...I'm of the opinion that children just, aren't relevant unless you find the right partner. Kids deserve a mum and a dad. What I 'want' doesn't change that. So i personally would be of the view that I should focus on other dreams and if it's never an option then it's never an option.

However, if you have a supportive family and the finances to raise a child independently then I can see why you may opt to go it alone. I mean, it's still selfish but, at least rheyd have plenty of other relatives to help raise them.

Ultimately its up to you. But stop trying to force him into it. He doesn't want to be a dad. And frankly I'd be done with him for lying about it and wasting your time.

I think the chances of you meeting someone decent who wants children but is happy for them to be donor sperm not his own is pretty slim to be brutally honest so you probably need to decide whether it's worth creating some embryos with donor sperm now to hedge your bets (in case you don't meet anyone but want to go it alone afterall) or saving all the frozen eggs for the right partner. Out of 12 eggs the reality is that only one or two may be genetically normal/viable and you won't know until you try. Your current partner does not sound like he wants kids with you now or ever so I wouldn't even try to convince him to let you use his sperm, that sounds like a very bad idea. FWIW I met my DH at 39 and had my kids at 42 and 44 but I didn't have any fertility issues other than age so IVF was relatively straightforward for me. I was also fully prepared to never have kids as for me personally I would rather not have had them than be a sole parent so I never considered the donor route prior to meeting DH and I knew once we started trying it may not happen due to age and I / we were ok with that.

I'm the same age as you and don't have kids and there's no way in hell I'd be choosing to have a baby with someone after only 18 months.

I think your timeline is aggressive too. It feels very pushy, and almost degrading in a way that your priority is just to have a baby and the actual person/partner comes second. It must feel a bit shit being on the other side of that.

If you just want to have a baby and don't want to do it alone then you just need to find someone with the same timeline as you who's going to be a good dad and forget about what they're like as a partner because they probably won't be a good one and if they are then you're lucky.

i am sorry to hear about your situation, but I must say that given your fertility issues, dating someone who is 8 years older was already a predicament, given men’s fertility issues over 40. It sounds like your relationship has run its course anyway - a 46 year old who isn’t sure about kids will likely never be sure- so I would say you need to leave and give yourself a deadline eg 1 year to meet someone else or else go alone if you do want a child.

Gosh this is a tricky one but I agree with some other posters, unfortunately in your scenario you don’t have the time to keep stalling a decision and it seems like you have to choose if you want to continue the relationship and see if / when he may want children or whether being a mother is more important to you - if so you need to start that process asap.

I was 36 when I conceived my last child via IVF, I had 16 eggs but only 2 fertilised (issues with my partners sperm too) and both eggs were implanted early to give them the best opportunity.

Odds for IVF being successful are starting to tip against you here. So ultimately it doesn’t seem you can have all you want and a decision needs to be made.

I don’t think 18months is too soon to decide if you want to remain with someone or have a child either … I just think at 46 he sounds like he just doesn’t want them (which is fine and his prerogative but doesn’t match what you want)

It would be the donor route for me too. My friends daughter was married to a nasty piece of work. She divorced him but was still too traumatised to date a man again. She was desperate for a child, so at age 36 went down the donor route.
She now has a beautiful 7yr old and never looked back.
I'm sorry but you don't have the luxury of time if you really want this.
He does though.