Please help me decide if I should start again at 38...

[anotherusernamehere]

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed and feel there's a lot needed to get the full picture. Sorry in advance. Also sorry if I come across very clinical re "eggs/embryos" etc... I'm just thing to detach and think about things logically..

I'm 38 and really want to have a family with a partner. I have a very low number of eggs left- supposedly called premature ovarian failure as I discovered this at 34 when looking into freezing eggs. I have as much chance as anyone else at 38 of getting pregnant but I will likely go through earlier menopause (had a lot of symptoms last year during a very stressful work time but appear to have gone away for now) and with IVF I will only get one egg per cycle so crap odds. (I know as I spent most of aged 35-36 doing egg freezing cycles and managed to freezing 12 eggs).

I also spent almost 10 years with a partner on and off who, although amazing in every other way, had serious commitment issues and couldn't make up his mind about having a child/getting married etc. This is why I ended up looking into freezing eggs &found the fertility issues.

My current partner knows all of the above and we've been together 18 months. I always had it in my head that I would try to have a baby now with or without him (upon turning 38 at the end of last year and also completing a professional qualification which resulted in a substantial payrise so I could afford it). He's was aware that's the path I'm on and hoped to be with him. Before anyone jumps on about that's all I want him for, it's not, I love him hugely and there's so much wonderful about our relationship. However I've already wasted 10 years of my life with someone who messed me around re kids and I'm not willing to do it again as I know I'll regret it forever if I miss out on being a mum.

So now we've come to the time and he's "not ready". He is older (46) and says he wants kids but only if he's 100% sure about the person. He's only ever lived with one partner for 6 months or so in the past and I'm realising now he also has commitment issues! We had a few counselling sessions but she wasn't great and basically said he's got a decision to make and he's never going to get the 100% certainty he wants about the future (comes from a broken home and doesn't want that for his children etc).

We live together now (although I have kept my property so could easily move out) but that is only because I basically gave him an ultimatum in the Summer. He "wasn't ready" but agrees that he is happy with how its gone and is happy living together etc. It's my "aggressive timeline" for children that he's not on board with. I dont think 18 months, at late 30s and 40s is "aggressive"- let alone when there's also fertility issues. But even if I was willing to wait longer, he's also said he can't see himself being ready for a baby "within a year"... so that's taking me to almost 39 to begin trying....

To be fair to him, he is also dealing with a health issue that is concerning for him and another personal issue to do with a minor crime against him (trying not to be too outing) so he's said he's stressed about those issues and lots about us etc. He's admitted there are clearly issues that are more to do with him than with me/us but he "can't help how he feels" about not being ready.

So now...what do I do? I've realised I can't/don't want to have a baby alone. If I knew my eggs were still OK then I'd try to freeze more but I know the stats aren't in my favour at 38. So ideally I need to create embryos (or try to) to see if my eggs are any good. I've asked him if he would be up for creating embryos with me and he's currently saying he's not ready...although he's going to do some reading/think about it etc this week and we'll chat again at the weekend. I just feel like there's zero risk to him in creating embryos apart from the money (we can afford it so ). All he has to do is w* into a cup and then if we get any embryos I can't use them unless/until he's happy with it. That's exactly why he thinks (pretending to be the good guy!) that I should go ahead with a sperm donor if I feel I need to do it, as that way I can use them if I want and they're not wasted etc. I don't really think I'd want a sperm donor but I guess I'd consider it if I was with a partner in future who was going to raise the child with me (as opposed to doing it as a single mum now). So I guess maybe this is what I need to do?!?

Ugh my head is just such a mess...I can't believe I've ended up picking another guy with commitment issues and who's wasting my time. He claims he hasn't as nothings changed about what he wants but its just our timeliness aren't in sync...but I guess also he doesn't want kids as desperately as I do..so if it doesn't happen he's OK with it I think...

When pushed for why he isn't certain about me/kids, he doesn't really know. He's waiting for a feeling that he's never had and thinks he should have before taking that step. Occasionally he can give me silly little examples (just like my ex!!) like worrying we don't have enough in common or having different opinions on things... but again.. these are clearly not enough of an issue to want to end the relationship.. just not progress to children etc?

I can't bear the thought of losing him, for all the usual reasons of wanting HIM and loving him but also the petrifying fear of having to start dating and doing it all over again..

I mean, I could start the egg/embryo freezing process and stay with him..but then surely if he could ever see himself having a family with me, he'd want to try to create embryos...?

Any advice, thoughts welcome? Esp on starting again at this age and meeting someone who wants kids :(

Yes, it's probably worth considering that (from your perspective at least) if you're going to end up solo parenting it's probably easier not to have some guy out there who has or can get parental responsibility for your child. If you're doing all the work yourself, why would you want someone who isn't doing any of the work having a say in where you can live or whether you can go abroad on holiday or whether your child can be vaccinated?

From the child's perspective I don't know whether it's better to have an absent father and deal with any feelings of abandonment or be donor conceived and just not have a paternal family.

Thank you for the replies.. it's sad to see that so few people believe I'll be able to meet someone at 38 who wants to have a family together still, though.. I do usually find it easy to get dates with decent men when I've been on the apps but I guess I've never been 38 and trying! I guess as you get older it's probably harder to meet a decent man than it was at 36 or younger..

I kind of felt that the egg freezing I had done earlier would give me more time. Which it does in a way as those eggs are that little bit younger (and I did actually get pregnant at 35 in the midst of egg freezing but had an early miscarriage so I guess I know they're semi-fertile..) I'm still holding out hope that if I end this relationship, I can meet someone who wants children and is at least willing to consider dating someone 38, given that I at least have some eggs frozen there so it's, what, like dating someone 37 if you have that whole extra year's supply of eggs.

I agree with the poster who said if he's not willing to create embryos then he's really saying "No" not "Not right now" or, rather as he puts it "I'm not ready yet/sure about us".

Ugh it's so hard.. when I'm reading these replies or when I'm with friends I can get myself angry and ready to leave but every night when I'm back home with him I'm so scared, upset and desperate not to have to leave..

He wanted until this weekend to look into the IVF stuff more and have a more information before we chat again about it and make a decision. I don't even know if he says yes to freezing embryos if I should go ahead now. (Although I don't really expect him to say yes...) It feels like there's a lot more uncertainty now than there used to be and maybe I'm wasting my time regardless...

If he’s saying that not only is he not ready for kids, but he’s not sure about your relationship, then you need to end it now and save yourself even more heartache. What if he decides in two years that he is sure - sure you’re not a good match and he ends it? Then you’re 40 and it’s almost certainly too late.

I think the reason people are suggesting going it alone is not because they think you can’t meet anyone else, but because time is now so precious. Diving back into dating straight away is probably a bad idea - you won’t have processed your last two relationships, and you’ll be so single-minded in finding a father for a baby that you might ignore signs of a wrong ‘un! Plus fertility treatment would put huge strain on a new relationship.

Don’t bother freezing embryos with him as you’d need his consent to use them and you know he’ll just string you along with the promise of using them ‘one day’ which will never happen.

Hi OP,

I've read all your posts but not every single reply you've had so this may already have been mentioned.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, I'm hoping the honestly will help you reach the right conclusion as I really sympathise with your situation.

The bit that immediately jumped out to me wasn't him saying that it's not that he's not sure about a baby, but he's not sure about "us" or a relationship.

At 46 and 18 months into a relationship if he's not sure about you now, I'm not convinced he ever will be (sorry!).

To be brutally honest, in your position, I wouldn't waste a minute longer with a man who was unsure of me and/or our relationship. It's almost saying you'll do for now but he's hoping there might be a better relationship for him out there. You don't have time to wait about for this man-child to make up his mind.

He also doesn't sound as worried about losing you as you are of losing him.

The reason this resonated with me so much was a situation with my exH's best friend. He was with the most lovely girl. Really relay nice person, great career, stunning looking, amazing figure. Every man I knew commented on how amazing she was and every woman wanted to be her friend.

She longed for marriage and kids with this man. He seemed to hole her at arms length (lived together but that was all). Eventually he cheated with a very 'plain Jane' - do don't even seem to have much of a personality any time I met her. Anyway, within a year of leaving for the OW he was married and within 2 years they'd had their first dc (they now have 3).

On a drunken night out I met the original girlfriend and she was heartbroken. For years he'd said he was unsure about marriage and/or kids. When she'd last seen him (we all live in a relatively small town, she asked him what had changed his mind. He said he'd always wanted marriage and kids, he juts didn't know if he'd wanted marriage and kids with HER.

And that was after spending 10 years with her - 7 of those living together.

I really do hope it works out for you. If you do stay with your bf and have a baby, I'd at least consider the fact you could end up a single parent anyway.

As a single parent who's raised my Dd alone since she was 1 - there are worse things in the world!!

He's just not that into you.

Do not have kids with this man. Trust me, having kids with a useless father/possible acrimonious separation is the worst thing that could happen to you.

Personally I would try to get pregnant using a sperm donor and your frozen eggs if a baby is non negotiable for you. You had your timeline for a reason.

You can find a partner later.

💯
I cannot imagine my life without my children. I fell in love, got married and had two children . My marriage broke down after 30 years but I still have my wonderful children (well they’re men now!)
This man you describe has got to the age of 46 and hasn’t loved anyone enough to commit. He’s known you long enough to know he doesn’t want children with you . Don’t wait around . I wish you well and hope one day you know joy of becoming a mum x

It's not that people don't believe in you, it's just that you are 38 facing low egg reserves and an early menopause and it doesn't come across that you have grasped the gravity of this situation. You're trying to be optimistic, which is lovely, but a bit like Sylvia Plath underneath the fig tree you need to realise that the longer you wait the fewer options you will have.

Even if you decide to get cracking on your own right now you'll be 39 earliest by the time you have a baby. You'll need to book appointments, find a donor, wait for the right time in your cycle, etc etc.

In some ways you're better off having a one night stand with a younger man during ovulation and seeing what happens! To be clear this is unethical and a joke.

Freezing eggs isn't the silver bullet you think it is, either. I have a friend who went through IVF to collect eggs at 36 and she was advised that fertilized embryos freeze and thaw much better than just the egg. So she got a sperm donor from some Nordic country and now has 3/4 in the bank waiting to be put to use. The eggs she tried to freeze on their own were poor quality.

I'm sorry. It all sounds so shit and unfair but you need to make a decision or the decision will be made for you.

What jumped at me is that you're placing the blame on the men (current and past partners) for being at this point when you have continuously chosen to be with men who won't commit to you. The way you dismissively described making embryos reflects a lack of appreciation to the bigger picture and your partner's rights. It gives Veruca Salt vibes "I WANT IT NOW"

The fact you are last minute chasing parenthood with men who clearly don't want any tells me you just don't want to miss out rather than genuinely wating a family otherwise you woud have made it a priority.

I would never recommend willingly becoming a single parent nor using surrogacy/donors Therefore I would focus on meeting someone who wants a commitment and children and if pregnancy happens great otherwise adoption with your partner is also an option.

Sack him. Go it alone. One of my DD’s who is much younger than you has gone with this. I am incredibly proud of her - her DP of over 16 years and DH of 5 said he wanted kids but decided he wasn’t ready when she told him she was pregnant. She is now 20 weeks pregnant and he is still unsure. Roll on the day she tells him to fuck off. But hell it doesn’t matter - this baby is already loved and very much wanted even if he doesn’t give a shit. I was with her for both her scans and one thing is for sure this baby is loved.

Which are YOU 100% sure of?

• having a baby
• having a relationship with this partner exactly how things are now? Is he enough to give up a baby for? Because that is where this is heading

He is saying, very clearly that he doesn’t want kids.
You very much want them now. These things don’t add up. Get a donor, have a baby.

Realistically your options are to either go it alone now or make your peace with not having children. The idea you have in your head of how you want things to line up is a fairy tale.

He doesn't want kids. If he concedes now he's not going to go the distance and you'll be going it alone in the long run anyway.

You have 12 eggs. You might get 2 or 3 viable embryos from them. If those embryos are with a man who decides he doesn't want them used then you've got nothing.

The odds of success are lower than you think. Don't waste your precious eggs.

I think you should make an appointment at the fertility clinic for a frank discussion on the odds of success in the various scenarios.

i broke up with a partner at 38 in very similar circumstances. It was all about him! At 39 I met someone new who is wonderful; considerate and I'm much happier with . I'm now 40 and we are planning to move in together and have had conversations about children. I also froze eggs btw. So I totally know where you are coming from but there is either something/someone better out there for you or you have a child on your own (you seem worried about being 38 but you've done everything you could to set yourself up for this to happen) and you pour your love into them. Both of these things are infinitely better than wasting time on this guy who doesn't appreciate you and is making what should be wonderful life changes difficult / a drag. You can do better, please dump him. All the best.

He doesn’t want a child with her. That’s his right, it doesn’t mean he has no empathy. It’s not his duty to fulfil the OP’s dreams. It sounds as if he’s also unsure about the relationship as a whole and they shouldn’t have children together because it’s a virtual certainty that this relationship won’t last at all.

Also I’d think very carefully about having a baby with a sperm donor. Think about the potential impact on the child growing up. Being a parent isn’t something to just tick off on your list of milestones to achieve. You are creating a person and that person will grow up without having a relationship or knowledge of their other parent. That stuff can have quite a psychological impact.

When I met hubby to be he already had a child and was adamant he didn't want anymore. I was on the fence. 18 months later however I was starting to get broody. We talked about things at length. He was unsure.

I gave him time to think things through and made it clear if he was sure he didn't want children, at that point, it would be a deal breaker. He changed his mind. We now have an 18 month old and are due to get married next month.

He was scared at first but is thoroughly enjoying the early years of fatherhood again.

I think it helped that at the time he changed his mind, his son moved in with us full time, and I really stepped up. We made the commitment to do life together, and he realised that no matter how stressful life got, he was sure I wasn't going anywhere.

Our relationship is stronger than it's ever been, and neither of us can imagine doing life without each other or the kids.

I think that it is good of him to be honest but I also think that you need to do this alone now or you may regret it.

I find it unusual to live with someone for this long that you aren't totally sure on yet. It seems a bit off to me and would make me feel a bit insecure in my relationship.

I'm of the mindset that you either know or you don't, you shouldn't need more time or have these worries about if it's with the right person. Especially with someone you already live with.

Honestly, men don't have the clock ticking.

I've know women 'wait' for men, who then leave them and have children with the next woman (whether they 'met the one' or got unintentionally pregnant' I will never know ... but it devastated the woman left behind).

If you want children (and they are challenging but rewarding) then go for it. IMO.

It’s easier to raise a child alone than with an unsupportive man who doesn’t love you. And this man doesn’t sound like a safe bet even without children. He is just as likely to leave later with or without a baby in the picture, he has form for that as you say.

If not having a baby would lead to lifelong regret for you, I think go for that. Move back home and go for it. Forget about having a man at all, until you either accomplish your goal or finally give it up.

You’re in this alone OP… at 38 I’d be off and trying via IVF

Oh OP, I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. The thing that jumps out at me is ‘he says he wants kids but only if he is 100% sure about the person’ - after 10 years, if he is still unsure about you what does this tell you?
The whole situation to me screams; he doesn’t want children, end of.
As hard as this may be, you have to decide what you want more, him or a baby because I doubt you’re going to get both.

If he's got "commitment issues", you could pick him and end up with no child and no him either.

Go the donor route.

End this relationship. Have a baby alone before it’s not too late. And have some therapy before you date again, as you are choosing completely unsuitable partners and you can break that pattern (it’s unfortunate you didn’t do that sooner but you are where you are)

Echoing PP: get going. Without him.

You are doing wishful thinking about your chances to have a successful happy life-with-kids with this guy and also about the likelihood of efficiently meeting another good partner (which, of course, would also require leaving this one).

You are not sure you can have kids. You want them. Get going.