Please help me decide if I should start again at 38...

[anotherusernamehere]

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed and feel there's a lot needed to get the full picture. Sorry in advance. Also sorry if I come across very clinical re "eggs/embryos" etc... I'm just thing to detach and think about things logically..

I'm 38 and really want to have a family with a partner. I have a very low number of eggs left- supposedly called premature ovarian failure as I discovered this at 34 when looking into freezing eggs. I have as much chance as anyone else at 38 of getting pregnant but I will likely go through earlier menopause (had a lot of symptoms last year during a very stressful work time but appear to have gone away for now) and with IVF I will only get one egg per cycle so crap odds. (I know as I spent most of aged 35-36 doing egg freezing cycles and managed to freezing 12 eggs).

I also spent almost 10 years with a partner on and off who, although amazing in every other way, had serious commitment issues and couldn't make up his mind about having a child/getting married etc. This is why I ended up looking into freezing eggs &found the fertility issues.

My current partner knows all of the above and we've been together 18 months. I always had it in my head that I would try to have a baby now with or without him (upon turning 38 at the end of last year and also completing a professional qualification which resulted in a substantial payrise so I could afford it). He's was aware that's the path I'm on and hoped to be with him. Before anyone jumps on about that's all I want him for, it's not, I love him hugely and there's so much wonderful about our relationship. However I've already wasted 10 years of my life with someone who messed me around re kids and I'm not willing to do it again as I know I'll regret it forever if I miss out on being a mum.

So now we've come to the time and he's "not ready". He is older (46) and says he wants kids but only if he's 100% sure about the person. He's only ever lived with one partner for 6 months or so in the past and I'm realising now he also has commitment issues! We had a few counselling sessions but she wasn't great and basically said he's got a decision to make and he's never going to get the 100% certainty he wants about the future (comes from a broken home and doesn't want that for his children etc).

We live together now (although I have kept my property so could easily move out) but that is only because I basically gave him an ultimatum in the Summer. He "wasn't ready" but agrees that he is happy with how its gone and is happy living together etc. It's my "aggressive timeline" for children that he's not on board with. I dont think 18 months, at late 30s and 40s is "aggressive"- let alone when there's also fertility issues. But even if I was willing to wait longer, he's also said he can't see himself being ready for a baby "within a year"... so that's taking me to almost 39 to begin trying....

To be fair to him, he is also dealing with a health issue that is concerning for him and another personal issue to do with a minor crime against him (trying not to be too outing) so he's said he's stressed about those issues and lots about us etc. He's admitted there are clearly issues that are more to do with him than with me/us but he "can't help how he feels" about not being ready.

So now...what do I do? I've realised I can't/don't want to have a baby alone. If I knew my eggs were still OK then I'd try to freeze more but I know the stats aren't in my favour at 38. So ideally I need to create embryos (or try to) to see if my eggs are any good. I've asked him if he would be up for creating embryos with me and he's currently saying he's not ready...although he's going to do some reading/think about it etc this week and we'll chat again at the weekend. I just feel like there's zero risk to him in creating embryos apart from the money (we can afford it so ). All he has to do is w* into a cup and then if we get any embryos I can't use them unless/until he's happy with it. That's exactly why he thinks (pretending to be the good guy!) that I should go ahead with a sperm donor if I feel I need to do it, as that way I can use them if I want and they're not wasted etc. I don't really think I'd want a sperm donor but I guess I'd consider it if I was with a partner in future who was going to raise the child with me (as opposed to doing it as a single mum now). So I guess maybe this is what I need to do?!?

Ugh my head is just such a mess...I can't believe I've ended up picking another guy with commitment issues and who's wasting my time. He claims he hasn't as nothings changed about what he wants but its just our timeliness aren't in sync...but I guess also he doesn't want kids as desperately as I do..so if it doesn't happen he's OK with it I think...

When pushed for why he isn't certain about me/kids, he doesn't really know. He's waiting for a feeling that he's never had and thinks he should have before taking that step. Occasionally he can give me silly little examples (just like my ex!!) like worrying we don't have enough in common or having different opinions on things... but again.. these are clearly not enough of an issue to want to end the relationship.. just not progress to children etc?

I can't bear the thought of losing him, for all the usual reasons of wanting HIM and loving him but also the petrifying fear of having to start dating and doing it all over again..

I mean, I could start the egg/embryo freezing process and stay with him..but then surely if he could ever see himself having a family with me, he'd want to try to create embryos...?

Any advice, thoughts welcome? Esp on starting again at this age and meeting someone who wants kids :(

Absolutely this.

@anotherusernamehere
Sister. Dump the guy. Forty-six and not ready? FFS. 🙄
Go it alone. Be a mum. Use a donor.
You cannot afford to wait for "the one."

If you already have shown signs of menopause your egg quality may be an issue, not just quantity.
You won't regret being a mum, but you know you will regret losing the opportunity (adoption aside).
You will be fine.

Sorry to say I don’t think this relationship will last anyway, as he has said he is not certain about you. After 18 months he is questioning whether you have enough in common …
In addition at 46 he is not sure if he’s ready for children….

I think it is better to go it alone. I know it will be hard, but you can’t miss out on the chance to be a mum if this is what you really want.

Be doesn't want children...and tbf becoming a 1st time parent at nearly 50 is a big ask life/time/energy wise..

You seem to have very rose tainted glasses view of what family/partner life is..... It is unrelenting, probably the most stressful, responsibility bearing thing you will ever do ..

It is really hard if both parties are not committed to the idea...or careless about it..... You manage to convince this unwilling participant and chances are you'll be a single parent quite shortly after...

Maybe get some therapy to work out what is the most important thing to you.... If it's being a parent then pursue your path to that yourself....if its being in a relationship with this partner then would park your parenthood plans..
.
They are your plans not his plans and not our plan's....

Honestly? Ditch him. If he’s ‘not sure’ at 46, he never will be. Basically he doesn’t want kids but doesn’t want to tell you that, because you’ll stop having sex with him. He’d be more than happy to run out your clock to suit him. That’s the sort of person he is.

Go it alone. It’s not ideal, but hey, who cares? Life rarely is.

Listen to what he's saying @anotherusernamehere .. he does NOT want kids. Please do not ignore this, and do not waste any more time with him.

Surprised no one's acknowledged the OP's partner's health issues and being a crime victim (which she also hand-waved away a bit). Not sure why those valid reasons for not being ready for parenthood should be overridden.

And 18 months from meeting someone to procreating with them is an extremely aggressive timeline. I wasn't even ready to live with DP at a similar stage. I realise the fertility window exists and the OP is conscious of it, but these things SHOULD be based on feelings, not biology. Fast-forwarding the natural progression of a relationship because biology has forced your hand isn't really a good idea.

That said while I think this man's reasons for not wanting children at this point are very valid, in practical terms it does amount to not wanting them ever for the OP. I also agree that he probably won't change his mind within the year and it would be pointless trying to cajole him or wait for him. So if OP wants to be a mother, going it alone with a sperm donor is the only route that's looking positive right now.

OP I think you’re in denial here. You don’t have time to chase a dream. You’re nearing 40 with premature ovarian failure and hardly any frozen eggs. Even if you met a new dream man tomorrow (which you won’t), there is a high chance you wouldn’t conceive due to your issues.

If you want a baby you need to get real and start fighting for it now. If you don’t want a baby outside of a romantic relationship then you need to accept you might never have one.

As a 39 year old with very low ovarian reserve, currently going through ivf, and as someone who worked quite hard all my 30s to find a decent, good man that I'd like to father my kids and who wanted to be a father, I feel your pain! I met him at 34/35 and we started trying at 36/37. I did have to make it clear to him that if he wanted kids with me, we'd need to start sooner rather than later. I truly value what he would bring to our/a prospective child. I really really want to meet my child and be a mother, so i also feel the pain here.

What you won't be able to change is biology, there will be some point at which it's too late to have a child. I haven't come to terms with this myself yet so I'm aware it's a hard truth.

Logically, the only way to get both (child, and family unit including a man/father) is to have the child now, and allow more time for the relationship to come.

If a biological child/raising a child from baby age is not a must, then a relationship can take priority for now.

I feel sort of burningly furious about how a woman's "value" appears to diminish with fertility in the eyes of the dating app world. I would judge male friends on the age ranges they'd set (willing to date 15+ years their junior, not willing or desiring to date a peer). To turn that on its head, I wonder if the value/attractiveness of being in a relationship (from a woman's perspective) also diminishes with fertility. It's a question I won't engage with too much while going through these next few years, but it's one I will revisit if I cannot have children.

Best of luck. It's a tough position to be in.

Update - He has agreed to a semen analysis and I am having a scan and consultation in the next couple of weeks. One way or another, I will be doing some sort of egg/embryo freezing, assuming I have any viable eggs (fresh). I will not be using my frozen eggs at this stage, certainly would not with DP unless he was saying it's to go full steam ahead now. They are my Plan B, when I know that my fresh eggs are no good.. if I do manage to create an embryo, I will consider if I am ready to go ahead and implant or stick with the original plan to freeze (assuming it is with a sperm donor, not DP). Honestly though, I don't think it's likely that after our results he'll be saying "ok let's go for it".. but I guess there's a chance..

Thank you for all the replies, even if it is not what I want to hear. To those people saying I shouldn't be blaming him and my ex, well with respect you don't know all the ins and outs with either. I obviously played a role in believing what I was told in both relationships. With DP for sure I feel like I have been misled as I was SO clear (first date!) on how much I wanted kids, I had frozen eggs etc. Within a couple of months I told him the timeline and he was a bit taken aback but didn't run for the hills and was really reassuring and said he understood why I felt like that etc. I appreciate I should have been more wary given his age/backstory etc. When someone genuinely tells you the reason they have not lived with more than one partner/had children is because they haven't met the right person etc and how lucky they are to have met you as they had almost given up, etc etc, it's hard to say "I don't believe you, you must have commitment issues!" There are lots of other things such as him having bought a large 4 bed house in a family location (moving out of the city) which also indicated to me he was definitely wanting these things and taking steps to pursue them.

@anotherusernamehere it’s a positive update but you need to keep the pressure up and make sure it’s not just words. He has nothing to lose by stringing you on and a lot to gain.

People (including me) are probably being a bit harsh/blunt because they don’t want you to miss out on something you dearly want. Wishing you all the best.