Please help me decide if I should start again at 38...

[anotherusernamehere]

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed and feel there's a lot needed to get the full picture. Sorry in advance. Also sorry if I come across very clinical re "eggs/embryos" etc... I'm just thing to detach and think about things logically..

I'm 38 and really want to have a family with a partner. I have a very low number of eggs left- supposedly called premature ovarian failure as I discovered this at 34 when looking into freezing eggs. I have as much chance as anyone else at 38 of getting pregnant but I will likely go through earlier menopause (had a lot of symptoms last year during a very stressful work time but appear to have gone away for now) and with IVF I will only get one egg per cycle so crap odds. (I know as I spent most of aged 35-36 doing egg freezing cycles and managed to freezing 12 eggs).

I also spent almost 10 years with a partner on and off who, although amazing in every other way, had serious commitment issues and couldn't make up his mind about having a child/getting married etc. This is why I ended up looking into freezing eggs &found the fertility issues.

My current partner knows all of the above and we've been together 18 months. I always had it in my head that I would try to have a baby now with or without him (upon turning 38 at the end of last year and also completing a professional qualification which resulted in a substantial payrise so I could afford it). He's was aware that's the path I'm on and hoped to be with him. Before anyone jumps on about that's all I want him for, it's not, I love him hugely and there's so much wonderful about our relationship. However I've already wasted 10 years of my life with someone who messed me around re kids and I'm not willing to do it again as I know I'll regret it forever if I miss out on being a mum.

So now we've come to the time and he's "not ready". He is older (46) and says he wants kids but only if he's 100% sure about the person. He's only ever lived with one partner for 6 months or so in the past and I'm realising now he also has commitment issues! We had a few counselling sessions but she wasn't great and basically said he's got a decision to make and he's never going to get the 100% certainty he wants about the future (comes from a broken home and doesn't want that for his children etc).

We live together now (although I have kept my property so could easily move out) but that is only because I basically gave him an ultimatum in the Summer. He "wasn't ready" but agrees that he is happy with how its gone and is happy living together etc. It's my "aggressive timeline" for children that he's not on board with. I dont think 18 months, at late 30s and 40s is "aggressive"- let alone when there's also fertility issues. But even if I was willing to wait longer, he's also said he can't see himself being ready for a baby "within a year"... so that's taking me to almost 39 to begin trying....

To be fair to him, he is also dealing with a health issue that is concerning for him and another personal issue to do with a minor crime against him (trying not to be too outing) so he's said he's stressed about those issues and lots about us etc. He's admitted there are clearly issues that are more to do with him than with me/us but he "can't help how he feels" about not being ready.

So now...what do I do? I've realised I can't/don't want to have a baby alone. If I knew my eggs were still OK then I'd try to freeze more but I know the stats aren't in my favour at 38. So ideally I need to create embryos (or try to) to see if my eggs are any good. I've asked him if he would be up for creating embryos with me and he's currently saying he's not ready...although he's going to do some reading/think about it etc this week and we'll chat again at the weekend. I just feel like there's zero risk to him in creating embryos apart from the money (we can afford it so ). All he has to do is w* into a cup and then if we get any embryos I can't use them unless/until he's happy with it. That's exactly why he thinks (pretending to be the good guy!) that I should go ahead with a sperm donor if I feel I need to do it, as that way I can use them if I want and they're not wasted etc. I don't really think I'd want a sperm donor but I guess I'd consider it if I was with a partner in future who was going to raise the child with me (as opposed to doing it as a single mum now). So I guess maybe this is what I need to do?!?

Ugh my head is just such a mess...I can't believe I've ended up picking another guy with commitment issues and who's wasting my time. He claims he hasn't as nothings changed about what he wants but its just our timeliness aren't in sync...but I guess also he doesn't want kids as desperately as I do..so if it doesn't happen he's OK with it I think...

When pushed for why he isn't certain about me/kids, he doesn't really know. He's waiting for a feeling that he's never had and thinks he should have before taking that step. Occasionally he can give me silly little examples (just like my ex!!) like worrying we don't have enough in common or having different opinions on things... but again.. these are clearly not enough of an issue to want to end the relationship.. just not progress to children etc?

I can't bear the thought of losing him, for all the usual reasons of wanting HIM and loving him but also the petrifying fear of having to start dating and doing it all over again..

I mean, I could start the egg/embryo freezing process and stay with him..but then surely if he could ever see himself having a family with me, he'd want to try to create embryos...?

Any advice, thoughts welcome? Esp on starting again at this age and meeting someone who wants kids :(

Agree with PP about 18 months not being too soon at your age. You aren’t 18 and both about to head off to uni with lots of unknown in your 20s yet to come. You’re almost 40 (he’s already well into his 40s….) you’re secure, you have the experience to know whether this is something you want with this person or not. Even if the relationship doesn’t work, you should know by now whether this is someone you could co-parent well with.

A man his age who “isn’t ready” never will be. Because next he’ll realise he’ll be an old dad and “I don’t want to be an old dad”. I’ve seen this happen so many times.

I would explore insemination or freezing some embryos from donor sperm to be perfectly honest.

I love my DH enormously but my children are ultimately my purpose and legacy. That’s not to say being childless lacks purpose, but for me I would never have been happy never getting to experience motherhood (for better or worse some days!).

If he’s not sure now he won’t ever be. Don’t wait for him.

It's bad you are in this difficult situation. I don't understand why you have left it so long. But it is what it is. I don't really approve of donar sperms but that's not to say I wouldn't do it myself as a last resort, you will need to make a decision sooner rather than later

What he wants is not within your control. Do not put all your eggs (literally) in that basket.

What is in your control is to decide to become a parent now without him (and you may want another, so please do not wait).

My relationship with my daughter is the most fulfilling I have ever had, nothing with a man has compared. Put yourself first and do not allow this indecisive man to come between you and your future child.

This man doesn’t want children, OP. Maybe there are some anomalies out there, but if you “aren’t ready” at 46, then you never will be.

At 46 he’d know if he wants children or not so I’m afraid you’re wasting your time hoping that he will. I think you should freeze embryos with donor sperm and finish the relationship and start dating again if you are still hoping to have a baby in a relationship.
Wishing you luck.

He's 46 and I think by that age he knows weather he wants kids or not , he's has long enough to think about it. You need to take him out of the equation now and decide what you want to do? Start again or try a donor. At 38 there could be time to start again but only really if you start now

You've said yourself he's wasting your time. If your choice was between having a baby alone and not having a baby at all - what would you choose?

Go it alone. For context a few years ago I was in an almost identical situation- although I found out about the low ovarian reserve 18 months in to the relationship- my dp saw how devastated I was by the diagnosis and basically said if I would have him we should move in together and start trying naturally straight away! He basically became my knight in shiny armour. It took a while but dc luckily happened and we are still together

Chiming back in because when I had the kids conversation with my ex (I was 33 at the time, he was 43 and father to one DC11) his response was "not now, but not never".

"Not now, but not never" sounds reassuring at first, as though he's really considering it and just needs a bit more time.

Then when you question how long "now" might be, and how far away "never" is, you meet resistance.

You reason that this man is in his forties, he knows what the baby/primary school years were like, he knows about the lost sleep, the finances, the impact on his relationship, he's lived as part of a family unit. You're asking him about lived experience and whether he wants to repeat it, not the recipe for turning lead into gold.

Finally "Not now, but not never" becomes his defence as you scream/cry at him at 2:00 am, because he never committed to having kids, or even a time frame to fully discuss it, he's never lied to you and you're just trying to force the issue.

[laughs darkly at bitter experience]

Obviously I touched my own nerve there, but I'd reiterate that a 46 YO man who's "unsure" about kids doesn't want them, but he does want you to continue being his GF until you figure it out.

You want a partner that is ready to commit and have children with you.

He isn’t that person. He is NOT ready to commit (and tbh the writing was on the wall when you said he only had lived with someone for 6 months ONCE in his life).

I think it’s not him who has choices to make but you.
Do you value this relationship enough to give up having children or do you want a child above anything and are ready to go for it alone (and maybe find someone to co parent later on)?

You have your hierarchy of preferred ways to become a mother, but at the moment (and because of your age, ultimately) your choice is now down to trying to go it alone, or having a fulfilling relationship. Which do you want more, baby or relationship?

That said, I wonder if your current relationship is essentially over. If you stay, you might well resent him. Or you might be unable to let it go, causing him to resent you. If you leave, you might end up with neither baby nor relationship, but you’ll have given yourself the best shot at motherhood, and the best chance of a good relationship with equal expectations.

If you had to choose between trying to get pregnant now without him, or risk never having a baby but being with him, what would you choose?

Why would you even want kids with a man who is 46?? What sort of life is that for a child. And that's if he agrees now. Who wants to be a first time dad at nearly 50? It's unfair (and selfish) on both your parts really.

I don't particularly agree with using donors but I don't see what choice you have but to have a child alone

I certainly wouldn't waste any more time on an over grown man baby who can't decide if he wants kids or not when he pushing fifty already

looking after a baby with a partner who is half hearted is absolutely no help. It's easier knowing where you stand and being single.
If you have good childcare in place, good salary, I would press the green button, get me some viking sperm (Danes feel a social obligation to donate apparently) and I would get myself a baby.

plenty of brilliant 46 year old fathers to young children - what a stupid comment. What century do you even live in?

If he's 46 and he hasn't made up his mind about having kids, despite being in a relationship with a woman who wants kids sooner rather than later, he doesn't want kids.

I would throw this one back in the sea, give yourself one more year of dating, and then look at TTC with donor sperm if you're not further on by the time you're close to 40.

I agree with this.

@anotherusernamehere If you want kids you need to end your relationship. Waiting around isn't going to make him decide he's ready.

The only possible way I can see that he might decide he is ready within the next year is if you break up with him and he realises he's made a terrible mistake.

Don't waste any more time. Get a donor and go have your baby. If you stayed with this guy and he was infertile or he never agreed to have kids you'd resent him forever.

Did you post about this dilemma of yours last year?

It sounds like while being a mother is really important to you, what you really want is a family unit? It's completely understandable that you wouldn't be keen on going it alone, but with the old clock ticking and multiple partners not being in it for the long haul I can see why you feel the pressure to explore that route.

I went through early menopause at 37 and hadn't frozen my eggs. At 42 I gave birth via donor egg. For donor eggs, maternal age stops being such a big factor in conception success as you get older cos the eggs are donated from younger women. Never thought it would be something I'd ever do but honestly, my baby is 100% mine and I love them to pieces.

And my friend who is single at 46 has just adopted a baby, and is loving motherhood.

If a family is what you really want, don't waste anymore time on this man. You might want to explore through therapy why you've been attracted to another commitment- phobe, to help you when looking for your next relationship.

But I just wanted to say, there are other ways of becoming a mum if you wanted to prioritise finding the right partner to do it with it.

I’m so sorry OP.

I think you need to face reality here. This sounds brutal but your DP doesn’t want kids with you, and if you break up it is highly unlikely that you will meet someone else who wants to have kids and get to the stage where you are ready to have them, before it is too late for you to get pregnant.

If you want a baby you need to ditch the man and go it alone with donor sperm, asap. When your child is older you will have the chance to meet someone who is happy to take on a stepfather role, and you won’t have had to sacrifice your fertility and only hope of a child to find them.

This is a shit situation, I'm sorry OP.

However, 18 months really isn't very long before trying for children even at your ages. I was with my husband 10 yrs before kids.

I know lots of people have said go it alone, but you seem pretty definite that's not what you want which is understandable. I wouldn't entertain that route unless you are 100% comfortable as a single parent which is going to be a struggle in itself.

Nor do I think your partner wants kids. At 46 he knows he doesn't, he's just not being honest with you.

I think maybe all you can do is just have an honest chat with your partner. Tell him you do not want to lose him but cards on the table, does he want kids or not? Is he prepared to even try? Not next year but now.

If it's a no then I think the relationship has to be over unless you can be happy child free and stay with him?

Hi there
So I had a baby with a man who Iove bombed me and sold me a dream, proposed and then left me at 8m pregnant. He wants to play at being a dad but hasn't been actually helpful just a huge headache constantly threatening or criticizing me. I'm raising him mostly alone but I do not regret my son at all I adore him. I loved maternity leave and baby groups and I love the little toddle adventures.
If you have loving parents or enough money for a doula or maternity nurse for the early weeks I would go ahead and do it on my own. There are plenty of opportunities for dating and creating a blended family later but not much longer to have a child.
I think this boyfriend has been really honest with you and if he was ever going to ready he would be by now. You don't even need to break up with him but just get on with your IVF with donor sperm now.

I'd go it alone with donor sperm.. I have a couple of friends who have done this and they are very happy indeed.