Caught my mother eavesdropping...

[Pearlpet]

I live in a country with a dire housing situation. Rental properties are very few and what's available is too expensive. Even house shares are becoming harder and harder.

I live at home. I have a mother. My father is gone since I was young.

I caught my mother eavesdropping on a call I was on. It wasn't a personal call and nothing too private but still. The eavesdropping. It's nasty. It wasn't the first time she did.

I won't take it too personally because I caught her doing similar to a sibling of mine. My siblings lives abroad in another continent and isn't aware of it.

My mother is someone who won't tolerate a talk with me setting boundaries. It's nasty behaviour. F*cking nasty.

I feel trapped at home and I feel much worse now too with the big S on my mind.

OP you don't really have much choice here. Your mother isn't going to change and she's going to continue to be intrusive.

It's her house and if she doesn't tolerate boundaries, you're going to have to suck it up.

Put up or move out then.

This. Surely it must be possible to find a houseshare, even if it’s far from ideal?

That's very intrusive.
If you are unable to move out, can you start to take calls outside your home?
I know you shouldn't have to but if you don't feel you can challenge her and you can't move out then either accept she listens or take your calls elsewhere where possible.

Do you work?. Can you increase your hours so as to not be at home with your mother quite as often?. If you have a mobile phone do not use it when she is there.

How close are you to your siblings?. This is likely why they moved abroad; to get away from their mother.

I do work. My hours can be long and intense. I work in the care industry. My wage doesn't reflect the hours I do. I get minimum wage. That's if I work 40 or 70 hours in a week. Something called banking hours was set up with me. In that it was described to me at first that some weeks I would work less than others but I will get the same flat pay every week and the two would cancel each other out. But it never really worked liked that. I would say my average would be about 50 hours a week with sometimes less and sometimes more. I do work hard but the wage isn't there to reflect it.

I am close toy siblings. They aren't aware of what she's doing and what she's really like. My siblings moved away for work reasons and come home sometimes where the same is done to him but he isn't aware that she's doing it. She eavesdropped on him and snooped in his diary and bills and letters. Even any shopping he did, she snooped in that too.

It was my father's house. She got it through divorce and got him to pay for it too. She only got it by accident. It still doesn't not give her any right to do what she's doing.

Well it does as it's her house, she can do what she likes. If you don't want to be spied on then move out.

Could you look to see if there are any new care roles available that offer accommodation? Then you could at least move out.

It is her house regardless of how she got it - seems odd that you think of it as her not being entitled to it in a legal divorce from her husband/your father - some historic bad vibes here? Anyway, wherever anyone lives, put up with house rules/behaviour or move out but I'm sorry your job doesn't give you many choices. Can you move in with a sibling?

Like it or lump it. pretty simple. If you lump it, move out. It's eavesdropping, hardly a crime of the century, or even week.

Do you mean that you get paid the same each week, no matter how many hours you work? That you're not paid hourly?

If that's the case, look for another job

@Pearlpet what do you mean by ‘the big S’?

I am so depressed. I really do try my best and it's never good enough and I am so so so depressed. It's undiagnosed. The eavesdropping has just compounded things. I don't want to write the word incase it's restricted but unalive myself. I found something last night to at least explore some methods. I never asked for any of this.

And for people saying - it's her house, it's her rules - that's fucking bullshit. It's domineering bullshit. Where does it stop?

• taking and reading my mail - will that be allowed because it's her house, her rules.
• bedtime by 9pm - her house, her rules.
• my house, my rules, your clothes are mine now.

It's domineering bullshit. She has no right to do eavedrop. She did the same thing with a sibling of mine when he was home on holidays and it's so wrong and it's abusive too.

Will she be happier if I lived in a homeless shelter or under a bridge.

Eavesdropping is a dick trick. I’m sure pp wouldn’t minimise if it were a dp who was invading your privacy by going through your phone.

I know, right. I can't believe there's nearly people laughing and writing it off - 'its not a crime of the century'. No it's not crime but it's nasty and there's no need for it. I am not f*cking selling drugs out from my bedroom or the home and there was no need to eavedrop. It's so mindless and shows a sheer lack of respect.

i get it - my mother was similar - didnt respect boundaries at all
You do need to look for a new place to live but in meant time some things you can do to help you

• taking and reading my mail - will that be allowed because it's her house, her rules. - Can you set up a post box or redirection for your mail
• bedtime by 9pm - her house, her rules.- Thats fine - stay in your room
• my house, my rules, your clothes are mine now. - padlock on your wardrobe, everything locked away

Then grey rock her, limit your time in the house, evenings are getting brighter, go out classes, friends house take on overtime Limit conversation when at home, start putting your stuff into a storage place Then your FOCUS for 2025 is to move out and even get a better job, only you can make this happen , sign up to every rental, flat share notification etc, put up notice in work, tell people word of mouth Are you entitled to any benefits etc You can not change your mother accept that but you can change how you dela with and change your life in the process

My mother used to eavesdrop, open and read my mail, go through my rubbish, and so forth as well. It’s horrible feeling. You have to try to find a way out but it’s hard without more details. I understand if you don’t want to share but what country are you in?

Can you get mental health support? Are there services in your country to help escape abusive relationships, whether it is with a partner or someone else? You need to find a way out of this set up. Start looking for a house share, even if it is expensive.

In the mean time, take all your phone calls outside the house. Do not allow her the opportunity to eavesdrop as I assume she is listening at doors. If it is a landline that she is picking up another receiver for, ask people to only ring your mobile, then you can go outside and/or ask them to call you back when you know you have privacy. Keep your mobile locked down so she cannot access it without your permission.

Is your father still alive? Apologies if not, as you say he is gone, and also mention divorce, but can he help?

There's no landland. She never learned how to use technology and mobile phones so she can't access my mobile phone thank goodness.

As another poster wrote there is more. She read my mail before. I left open mail on my bed and when I came home from work that mail was upturned on the bed and definitely not the way I had it. I even found her with items that I threw out into the bin. So it's grand organisation of snooping and rooting and eavedropping and taking. I found her with items that she would have only ever have gotten by rooting through my handbag.

It's so unnerving.

My father worked hard and he did have it good at one stage. He owned multiple properties but he blew it all on cigarettes and drink. He's an alcoholic.

Looking back into my youth, I think a lot of my mother's behaviour stems from that. She used to root and eaves drop on him too.

In recent months I had to put a lock on my bedroom door. I could go to work and work the guts of 16 hours in a day or sometimes even a few days running just to come back and I am met with a silent treatment from her and her clearly in my room. Not to help me but to root and snoop. It's so unnerving to work so hard and that is the payoff. Just treated like dirt and a cashcow for her.

I'm just after putting my phone on silent so that she can't hear it ring and give her an opportunity to eavedrop.

It's so unnerving because there's no need for it.

I think l would be looking for a house share or somewhere you can be a live in carer. You mother sounds awful, she is treating you like a child. Keep your mobile on you at all times,make sure it's locked down and only make calls out of her hearing. Here it is an offence to open other people's mail, is it different in your country?

Do you pay your mother rent or board money?

What's The Big S?