Caught my mother eavesdropping...

[Pearlpet]

I live in a country with a dire housing situation. Rental properties are very few and what's available is too expensive. Even house shares are becoming harder and harder.

I live at home. I have a mother. My father is gone since I was young.

I caught my mother eavesdropping on a call I was on. It wasn't a personal call and nothing too private but still. The eavesdropping. It's nasty. It wasn't the first time she did.

I won't take it too personally because I caught her doing similar to a sibling of mine. My siblings lives abroad in another continent and isn't aware of it.

My mother is someone who won't tolerate a talk with me setting boundaries. It's nasty behaviour. F*cking nasty.

I feel trapped at home and I feel much worse now too with the big S on my mind.

For gods sake... Just move out and get on with your life without your mother snooping on you

Exactly, it’s awful what that poster said. This is why adult children often don’t talk about their true feelings for their parents.

Society will demonise you for calling out abusive parents, especially abusive mothers - but yet rush to give sympathy for someone who speaks out against an abusive partner.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.💐

OP, you've been given good advice on how to improve your situation but dismissed it and you've had sympathy and shared stories off others but I can't see where you want this thread to go next, tbh. You've had a good vent, you've blamed both your parents for how (and where) you are in life but seem determined to let your situation continue. What more do you want from posters? Perhaps the suggestion re the Samaritans is a good one?

Anyway, you can't, unfortunately, change your mother's behaviour (which sounds pretty grim) but, if you won't/can't move out, you might be able to change how much it affects you - is therapy an option?

Having had to get creative to find my independence and build my own life due to a mother like this, enduring some really difficult situations in the process, I know it's not easy. But only you can change this for yourself, and you need to decide on a course of action.

You can put up with how things are, stay there, and get some therapy to help you handle it.

You can stay there and accept that you're going to have to be flexible on how you handle her, to reduce the opportunities she has to upset you - post delivered elsewhere, locked boxes for documents, phone calls outside the house, find ways to work around her demands/needs that limit how much involvement you have to have with her.

Or
Get creative and find some way, any way, to move out. Find a live in carer position - it might not be ideal, but if your current circumstances aren't bearable, it's better. Save money and keep looking for somewhere to live while you're doing this, then when you've found somewhere to live you can find a more suitable job.

I escaped at 18 when I was only just earning enough to cover the cost of a rented room in a (very run down) private house and (sometimes) a top up for my PAYG phone. It was fucking hard, but it was better than living with her. Things got better for me, and they can for you too, but you need to take charge of your life for that to happen.

OP, it might be worth doing a bit of research. Not all live in care postions are for the elderly. Often they can be for young people and having the carer there can improve their quality of life massively and can be very rewarding. I honestly would look into it.

In the short term you could get your mail redirected or get a post box. Get as much mail paperless as you can sign up for. You mention she can't grasp the computer.
A couple of suitcases with tumbler locks could hold your possessions. Clothes, mementoes, photos, letters etc
If you write a diary, change to an online one.
Buy a rubber wedge for inside your room. Small and effective. She can't barge in and disturb you. Toss it in your handbag when you leave so she can't steal it.
Change the lock on your bedroom door. Keep the key on a chain around your neck even in the shower.
Use a bin liner. A fresh one daily or whatever suits, take it to work with you and dispose of it there.
Off the top of my head I can't think of a brand of handbag that is snoop proof so lock that up.
Get a small camera for your room, a few pounds off Ebay, connects to your phone. The one I had was small, silent and had motion sensor. Get it delivered to your work place.

It is not your fault she is so bitter and hate filled. Perhaps you could talk to you doctor about how it affects you.@Pearlpet

Her house. You can't do zero about it.
Move on yo your own place

Change your password? Put your diary away?
Not that difficult.

OP if you really feel this way you need urgent help. Please ring 111 or samaritans to explain how you’re feeling.

Yup, that’s the answer!