Caught my mother eavesdropping...

[Pearlpet]

I live in a country with a dire housing situation. Rental properties are very few and what's available is too expensive. Even house shares are becoming harder and harder.

I live at home. I have a mother. My father is gone since I was young.

I caught my mother eavesdropping on a call I was on. It wasn't a personal call and nothing too private but still. The eavesdropping. It's nasty. It wasn't the first time she did.

I won't take it too personally because I caught her doing similar to a sibling of mine. My siblings lives abroad in another continent and isn't aware of it.

My mother is someone who won't tolerate a talk with me setting boundaries. It's nasty behaviour. F*cking nasty.

I feel trapped at home and I feel much worse now too with the big S on my mind.

But you haven't taken on board that your only option is to leave and find somewhere else to live, like your sibling/s. No one thinks being eavesdropped on is OK, but she's clearly not going to change, and complaining about her behaviour on here won't alter anything. However she acquired her house, it's hers now.

If you don't have the money to move out, even into a cheapie flatshare, then you need to look for a better-paid job in order to fund it.

You describe yourself as a cash cow for her, is the money you’re paying the same as what you’d pay in a houseshare? If so I think you should really consider leaving.

I had a period of a few months in my late twenties when I moved back home after leaving London. I was getting ready to go work abroad but there was a 5 month gap, 3 of which I spent back home, the other two months traveling.

My mum reminded me why I’d never live with her again in that short space of time. She would go on rants giving me heaps of abuse,
much of it fuelled by her persistence bitterness about her exH /my absent dad who I still don’t even talk to anyway.

I remember once going into the bathroom trying to lock it and her pushing it open so she could continue screaming in my face.
Another occasion I went out to this event one day in another city. Came back at night to find her rooting through all my stuff under the guise of helping me spring clean. It was absolutely vile. I still feel utter disgust when I look back at it. I have been LC and NC with her at various points. I felt like you do sometimes and ultimately it was a choice between me and her and I chose me and I would over and over again. Her being in my life to keep up appearances and make her feel better would come at the risk of my mental health.

I left my childhood home a few months later and have never returned to the house since , even though it’s been about a decade.

Do what you can to move, it’s unfair it’s cruel , but she’s not going to change so you need to move away.

I'd use my mobile phone for all calls from now on. I really sympathise with your position. I lived with my parents for far too long because I couldn't afford to live alone. It really affected my mental health.

Could you either retrain or look for foreign employment? There's a number of European countries actively recruiting nursing staff from abroad. I know for a fact Germany alone has dozens of programmers, both centrally organized and at hospital level. Accommodation would be supplied automatically.

Don't speak on your phone until you're out of the house. Text in the house

Get your post redirected to a PO Box

Find a new job

Find a house or flat share or move in with relatives

My work, to some degree I have some kinda luck in it, in that I can have respite there but I do work hard. But it's not a full time live in situation there but it does give me some opportunities to really spend a week or two away. It's not great but it's ok.

Get a lockable filing box. Always lock your personal items and letters away, as well as locking your room. The long term solution is, as I said, move out. In the short term, I am suggesting steps you can put in place to give you provide yourself with privacy in the interim.

The only person you can control is you. So you need to take the steps to protect your privacy, now and longer term. We can only make suggestions, you have to act on anything that will help your situation.

This- @Pearlpet It is dreadful having ones things gone through- I assume you are relative young (?)
Is there any way you could train for better paid work or else get a live in situation?

They are rather insecure, and far from ideal, but better than being so unhappy at home.

I’d never snoop on my son, and never have as it is incredibly intrusive ( Have had it done to me)

A lot of what you wrote is familiar and I got similar too as you. I was subjected to many rants about my father too nearly as if I was responsible for him and their broken marriage. Exactly the same as what you describe.

you are very judgemental of your mum.
First of all, in your shoes, i would be looking at my work situation and trying to work elsewhere, or get your contract changed.
Then don't make calls where you can be overheard.
Then try to move out.

What if your mum just got sick of you living with her? you need to be ready for that, just in case.

Yes and thank you. I realise I can't change her and I can only change myself. That's either put up with it (but I hate it) or take steps to get away - maybe another job, better pay or maybe even go to Europe.

It is so intrusive. It really is. I am not selling drugs from my room or turned it into a brotel and there's no need to do what she's doing. But I realise I won't be able to change her. Just myself.

It's nasty.

But I realise I won't be able to change her. Just myself.

This is a good start. Dwelling on the past is no good here.

You need to move out. By moving to another area, by living in a flat share, by finding a job with accommodation. Something needs to change.

given what you wrote before about the intrusive thoughts you've been having, you need to see your GP as soon as possible.

Unfortunately for your your living situation is what it is. Can you move in with a sibling for a while while you sort something more permanent out? Are there people you work with who may be looking for a lodger/flatmate?

it seems impossible to you right now, but you know the saying "how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time" that applies here. Make a list, in your head is enough, of what your top 3 priorities are, and try to work on one of those. Or if there is anything you can do for a quick fix (lockable box, keep your mail elsewhere, only make calls when not at home, etc)

But please speak to your GP.

@Pearlpet You’re focussing on the wrong thing right now. Your mother’s nastiness needs to be put to one side for the time being. The thing you need to tackle here is how to improve your mental health. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but try to shift your thoughts away from your mum to yourself. Taking yourself out isn’t the answer (and I’ve a lot of experience with managing those thoughts) so please reach out for some help with you depression first, deal with your mum later.

How much rent are you paying her and what is the big S?

I don't understand why people get so invested in other people's lives with things that don't concern them.
My life is busy and barely have time for the things people want me to know.

I've absolutely no interest whatsoever in anything personal anyone is doing in their lives unless they chose to share and then of course I think that's lovely someone wants to share.

I've a sister in law, she will go through every drawer, cupboard, open every door and nose at everything you own!
Credit card statements, letters, photos etc etc She will leave no stone unturned!

I don't get it! Why? Nothing personal anyone has -is of any interest to me.

Can you get a care job overseas or one that comes with accommodation?

Your attitude here is really quite telling.

Its HER house, you clearly have personal issues and biases (stemming from divorce by the looks of it) that make you feel entitled to a lot, but you are factually not entitled to anything and it comes across 'spoiled brat'.

Its time to grow up and move out, fly if you want your freedom and personal space.

There is never a 'perfect' time or place to move to because life isn't served to us on a silver platter, everyone struggles, you take a step down (or several) and build your life and space up over time.

To many kids now expect a free ride on parents to not ever lose their 'comfort/lifestyle' and its such an awful personality trait.

You absolutely need to move out, it may mean moving into a house share, or a new area, but you won't break away otherwise.

Could you take phone calls whilst on a walk? Agree with a lockable filing cabinet, lock on wardrobe door? Its intrusive. Is there any job opportunities at work to move higher up to team leader/manager?

TW!!
If the big S on your mind involves harming yourself, I would say that it is really important for you to consult your doctor. I can see why you might be feeling helpless and hopeless in your situation but there is a lot of help out there for you. Perhaps speak to your siblings about how you are feeling as they might be able to help you to work through a solution.

OP is entitled to privacy, regardless of whose house she lives in! Would you accept it if someone you were renting a flat from listened to your phone calls?

So live with mother or potentially be homeless? OP is entitled to privacy, as she’s a separate adult from her mother.
I hope OP can find another place to go, extreme nosiness is a nasty trait.

How would you stop it, in either case, if, having spoken to the eavesdropper in question, they ignored your asking them to desist?