Caught my mother eavesdropping...

[Pearlpet]

I live in a country with a dire housing situation. Rental properties are very few and what's available is too expensive. Even house shares are becoming harder and harder.

I live at home. I have a mother. My father is gone since I was young.

I caught my mother eavesdropping on a call I was on. It wasn't a personal call and nothing too private but still. The eavesdropping. It's nasty. It wasn't the first time she did.

I won't take it too personally because I caught her doing similar to a sibling of mine. My siblings lives abroad in another continent and isn't aware of it.

My mother is someone who won't tolerate a talk with me setting boundaries. It's nasty behaviour. F*cking nasty.

I feel trapped at home and I feel much worse now too with the big S on my mind.

Get real and read the OP.

The OPs mother eavesdrops on everyone and doesn't respond well to boundaries. She's not going to change. What's your suggestion? A magic wand?

I'm in and out from other people's homes for my work and for years when I used to babysit for a lot of different families. I never on e snooped or cared to look at mail or anything else. I just never snooped.

Sorry to hear that. I think, like mine, your mum’s still holding a certain level of resentment against you because of your father and projecting all these negative feelings onto you. It’s deeply unfair and also absurd for a parent to blame or resent their children for the partner THEY chose, but sadly it happens a lot.

It wasn’t a safe environment for me at all and the irony is my mum who allowed me no privacy had a lock put on her bedroom door. Even though I didn’t go through her stuff (except once when she stole a page out of my diary that she snooped through and I wanted to retrieve it) she was massively angry and paranoid all the time and it sounds like your mum is too.

There’s nothing you can do at this point, except to use this as motivation to make a plan and get out, do whatever you can to get out of this environment.

Even if it means relocating but take your time in planning so you’re not rushing into another unsafe situation. Life is so much better for me since I refused to go back and I’m sure it will be much improved for you too.

That's unreal what you wrote. It really seems as if you are writing about my own situation or my own mother.

My mother had a lock on her door for years and it makes no sense because I never went into her room. Every time she leaves the house she locks her bedroom door and take the key and if I am at home it's as if she thinks I will be spending my time going into her room in which I am not. When you work full time, your time off is valuable and often there's so much to do and catch up on like laundry and unwinding with hobbies. I have no interest in her room.

It's nearly.as.kf she thinks I will be doing what she's doing and I'm not.

I am guessing you are in Ireland. The housing situation is so horrific here.
I am sorry you are going through this. I think the only option short term is to give her nothing to snoop through. get a safe to keep post in. Put all kinds of locks on your phone. Just give her nothing to see and no way in, and don't interact with any of her tricks.

After that, get in touch with samaritans or another organisation. There may be a local hub with people you can talk to. This kind of issue is nationwide and you are not alone in this. You current depression and suicidal ideation is because of your circumstances and there are people who can help you. Your GP can help with meds. Please find help IRL.

Next, make a plan of action to get out of there. It might not happen quickly but you will get there. Unfortunately, many people will be forced to leave the country because of that problem but there will always be something better that what you are currently going through. Can your sibling help you find a job and accommodation where they are? alternatively, ask citizens information about options, and ask people at work to let you know about room shares. Maybe your company can transfer you to another part of the country where there is accommodation? just keep looking for options... they are out there, but I know it can feel impossible.

Sending you strength xxx

Just to add to my post above - you cannot change your mother. She is what she is. You can only manage how you deal with it from here. Wishing she was different will only exhaust you more. Wishing you all the best with your future. It will get better x

Every time she leaves the house she locks her bedroom door and take the key and if I am at home it's as if she thinks I will be spending my time going into her room in which I am not

@Pearlpet that is because she assumes everyone behaves like she does. It is not a failure on your part, it is her own issue.

Please see your GP, and please try as hard as you can to keep your thinks as private as you can, and try not to care about the rest.

If you work as a carer, have you thought about looking for a live in job where you are company for an older person as a bit of company?
Look into it, it might suit you.

If they were married, it was their house. she was awarded it in the divorce, so it's her house

I'd have stopped the conversation and waited for her to leave call her out on it. But ultimately it is her house ( however she came by it) so the choice is put up with it or leave.

Oh wow that’s crazy. It’s terrifying how similar some abusive mothers are although tbh before now I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else whose paranoid mum put a lock on their door to spite them.

I can’t quite remember when it was installed but I think perhaps in my late teens, when I’d started spending a lot of time out the house with my friends and doing part-time work and then later moved out to uni at 19.

So often in my late teens/early 20s, me and my brother would come back from uni for the holidays and she’d have gone through or even thrown out some of our stuff that SHE decided we didn’t need anymore.

It's nearly as if she thinks I will be doing what she's doing and I'm not.

Yes it’s exactly that, when you treat someone badly you fear they will treat you in the same way. She probably bad mouths you or has such strong feelings of negativity against you that she hopes to catch you speaking badly of her when she is snooping.

My mum hated that I have my own private thoughts, hence the constant snooping, and she used to stare at me as if trying to read my mind and ask if I want her to die. I was like wtf??!

It now makes me wonder if she wanted that for me, there’s a reason I felt deep down I HAD to leave that house and never come back!

Let's look at short term solutions. What kind of post do you get? Can you arrange that bank statements/bills/work/revenue documents are online? Do you live near a local sorting office? Could you request that your post is held there?

Have you a car? Can you keep any special clothes in that in a locked suitcase. Use a bike security lock to attach to the car if needs be if you think she will try and get into it?

Keep your phone on silent and maybe invest in a white noise machine that you can play in the background while you take a call via headphones.

As a carer could you tell her you have to take on clients that you need to visit later at night and then take a class etc those nights?

I had a DM like this. She was always eavesdropping and even when she was caught out she didn't stop. She used to go through my things and take things because she was an entitled, self absorbed bitch.

The only thing you can do short term is to take your calls outside the house or even just in the backyard. I know housing is a problem but maybe a house share for the rent you pay your DM?

This isn't a major issue. My siblings abroad is obvious to what she is like.

I think my mother was always like this but I made excuses for her thinking it was a result of her abusive marriage but her marriage has been over longer than she was ever with him. I made excuses thinking this was the way she was raised and the way she grew up. I can't do this any more. It's horrible behaviour and it shows a lack of respect.

I have two situations that I need help navigating please until I get out from there:

1: my siblings is obvious to what she's doing and to what she is like. He sent me some pictures of his Christmas abroad and to show out mother. The idea of sitting down with her and showing her pictures fills me with sick after what I am coming to terms. How can I sit down with her. I am disgusted with what she's done. Treating me like dirt.

2: most weeks I do online grocery shops because it's convent and sometimes my work is too demanding and I have little time. So the online grocery shops is so handy. Every week when I do a shop, my mother has a list that she wants to sit down with me and go through her list. You see she can't use any technology like phones or laptops.

Again the idea of helping her - I am absolutely disgusted with what she is doing.

I gave her no reason whatsoever to do that to me.

How do you think I can manage this two situations above -

I don't want to show her pictures but when my brother phones her he may ask did she see them?

Also if I book a grocery shop and only book it for myself it will anger her. I know there is an option of going to a shop myself but that means carrying home some bags of groceries. Likely heavy.

My father was an alcoholic when I was younger. He was a known cheat in the village. He never hid it. He was abusive towards my mother. Never directly to me. I suppose he was abusive in that my parents took on traditional roles where my mother stayed at home and he worked. His wage was supposed to be for his family but it never really was. I grew up in poverty because of him because his wage was for drink and his mistresses and girlfriends. This isn't what my mother told me. I was so young but I saw it myself.

I remember one day when I was a teenager he came home and he was crying. He was drunk and he told me that he never wants to hear that thing call him daddy every again because he's not his father. He was referring to my younger brother and he told me that he caught my mother in bed with another man.

I was only a teenager but even at such a young age I kinda knew he lacked integrity and what he said was nonsense and just an excuse for his own bad behaviour. Still trying to blame my mother.

But now, all these years later I see these bad traits in my mother that is disgusting and I'm thinking if there's any truth in what he said all them years ago. What do you guys think?

If there's any truth in it she spent all his life lieing to him and to me and having us believe my father was a deadbeat to him.

I don't know. I am so confused.

It's just she has these bad traits that are disgusting. What am I supposed to believe.

What stops her from learning to use a phone or computer to do the basics like an online shop or send/receive a message? Many people didn't grow up with this technology but managed to figure it out. If she genuinely can't and you're stuck with this for a while, could you print the photos to give to her? Maybe ask her for a list of what she needs rather than having to sit with her to go through it?

My Mum was very much like this. No privacy, eavesdropping on calls, going through my things and reading my diary, no lock on the bathroom door and she'd come in without even knocking when she knew I was in there (amongst other more unpleasant nonsense).
Even after I moved out at 18, purely to get away from her, she didn't stop. She'd go through my bag when I visited and start an argument about anything she found that she didn't approve of (on one occasion, antibiotics), would go through my coat pockets and, while I was still getting post delivered there, would not only deliberately open my letters, but would actually call various companies using my details to try to get me into some kind of trouble.
Even years later as a fully grown adult, when I had my own home, she would go into my bedroom and root through my drawers and wardrobe when she visited.

It's exhausting and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

When I read your threads I feel afraid for your Mum’s safety. You are spiralling and your hatred towards your Mum is palpable.

I think you should move out into a house-share before you do something you will regret.

I won't be printing pictures because that's only going to cost money. I used to print pictures for her but I stopped last year at printing pictures.

Get a fucking grip. I have no intention of harming the woman and how dare you even hint at such a thing ' concerned over your mum's safety'. How dare you.

Right, well if you won't anything practical to lessen the emotional impact she has on you, your only other choice is to move out.
A house share should be affordable.

OP have you looked into live in carer roles. This would more than likely be in the private sector but it sounds like you have experience. It would allow you move away from your Mom and equally build up savings to get your own place.

No I didn't look into it. I did think about it. I am deciding against it. I know it could be a solution. I am traumatised to be honest. By everything. Sometimes by my current role and the hours I put in. Sometimes by my own mother who is aging and I really don't want to go down the route of being a live in carer for an elderly person. I think I would like to try and get away from the care industry before it makes me ill. I work with disability and not elderly care. I do love what I do but sometimes the hours can be intense. If there was a live in role for an additional needs person, I could consider it but more often than not it's for older people. I just can't.

I spent about 100 pounds on Saturday on fuel in advance of the cold snap we were due and thats what she turned around and did to me. Just treating me like dirt eavesdropping on me.

Well not really. If someone is going through your mail or reading your diary etc - is that not abuse? Because it would certainly be considered abuse if it was being done to a woman by her partner even if the partner owned the house. I can’t imagine saying well put up or shut up then in that circumstance.