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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Freeloader?

105 replies

Potsy123 · 03/01/2025 11:15

Hi everyone, so something has been bothering me …. I am a single mum of four on universal credit and have been with a guy for almost five years now (still live separately) I haven’t got a huge income whereas the man I’m with has a very decent salary. He comes to my house and doesn’t bring anything to contribute food wise (sometimes stays for three nights eating my food etc) the other day he brought a pack of sausages… we didn’t end up eating them and so he took them back with him when he left …. I’m a little gobsmacked and not sure how to address it. I feel used and it’s quite in my face and so not sure what to say when it happens (this has happened before with other food!!) any advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 04/01/2025 20:56

He's just BLATANTLY taking the piss. Doesn't that make you really angry?

Notrynajudge · 04/01/2025 21:02

Oh my goodness it seems you've taken 5 years to realise this man is a freeloading wannabe cocklodger.

Bin him off.

I mean this kindly but possibly you would benefit from re-evaluating of your boundaries and priorities as there's absolutely no way this should have taken 5 years to realise.

Notrynajudge · 04/01/2025 21:07

Potsy123 · 04/01/2025 20:50

It’s just the tip of the iceberg - in isolation it’s pretty crappy but together with quite a few things it’s best I let this guy go. Being on my own scares me but it should scare me more being with the wrong man for my children and I.

Honestly OP, take a long hard look at your priorities. You're more scared of being alone than spending your money on this waste of space instead of your DC??

Sorry to be harsh, didn't read the whole thread before replying but your attitude is way too laid back on this.

Put your kids before cock.

Original poster
Potsy123 · 04/01/2025 21:09

It does make me angry- perhaps you’re right and I need to learn how to approach things when they go wrong and I’m unhappy. All my family are so giving and he has said before that it’s not normal how much they all do for me. He’s definitely tried to ‘normalise’ his behaviour and I’ve fallen for it because I had quite a dysfunctional upbringing.

OP posts:
Florawest · 04/01/2025 21:20

Before you bin him take him to the supermarket do a super big shop as say at till flip forgot my card /cash can you get it please 😉 and do not pay him back, then say bye and say that is only about 10% of what you have taken from us over past five years, can you pay the rest asap.

Original poster
Potsy123 · 04/01/2025 21:22

That’s a great idea - recently we went to a cafe and he rolled his eyes at paying for a toastie and coffee for me … then asked if I could wait and stand in the queue whilst he went off and sat down !

OP posts:
Chowtime · 04/01/2025 21:27

Potsy123 · 04/01/2025 21:22

That’s a great idea - recently we went to a cafe and he rolled his eyes at paying for a toastie and coffee for me … then asked if I could wait and stand in the queue whilst he went off and sat down !

aww, he's supposed to bloody love you!

Dump him - I genuinely don't believe he loves you.

BeLilacSloth · 04/01/2025 21:49

Being tight is the most unattractive quality, dump OP.

slightlydistrac · 04/01/2025 21:50

@Potsy123 What did he get you (and the children) for Christmas?

Starseeking · 04/01/2025 22:09

Based on your posts I can't see what positivity this man actually adds to your life.

2025already · 04/01/2025 22:28

Potsy123 · 04/01/2025 21:22

That’s a great idea - recently we went to a cafe and he rolled his eyes at paying for a toastie and coffee for me … then asked if I could wait and stand in the queue whilst he went off and sat down !

That reminds me of an ex who offered to take me out for breakfast. We went to Asda and he paid in coins. He honestly thought he was treating me!

Funnily enough I just wrote about the same guy on a thread where a poster has moved in with a bloke and he is in the pub every night leaving her at home on her own 😐

YeFaerieBean · 05/01/2025 09:20

Asda Red Balloon Café?

I had an ex (in the 90s) and his idea of a special treat for me was the £2 breakfast!

OhCobblers · 05/01/2025 09:39

I started reading this thread yesterday but not read all of it.
What always stands out to me on threads like this with a single mother is how the boyfriend can so easily "take" from you and therefore your children.
Never bringing food to your home and helping himself to what is already there equates to taking food from your
YOUR children.

He is an utterly disgusting human being.
He should be dumped immediately and don't ever look back.

IsawwhatIsaw · 05/01/2025 09:39

Why have you accepted so little for 5 years? He’s using you , and taking money from your DC. Why aren’t you seeing this?

OhCobblers · 05/01/2025 09:42

Potsy123 · 04/01/2025 20:38

He also works from home and eats when he’s here without contributing. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice - much appreciated.

So uses your WiFi, electricity etc and still contributes nothing?? He is quite happy for your bills to increase while he pays less in his own home as he isn't there that much?

Heartbreaktuna · 05/01/2025 09:44

I'm sure in the beginning you wanted to be strong by showing you would pay your own way every time. And also in order to make your presence in his world small and undemanding so that he sticks around. But hopefully over time your patience has gone and strength has grown enough that you can tell him to sling his hook!

bifurCAT · 05/01/2025 09:44

It sounds like if you dump him, that's three days a week he won't be eating... he might starve!

Original poster
Potsy123 · 05/01/2025 10:55

i should have nipped it in the bud when it started - asked him to bring coffee once and he brought enough for the time he was staying.

OP posts:
JoyousPoet · 05/01/2025 11:03

Blimey, OP! Bin him right off, after the super big weekly shop as suggested by PP. The flipping audacity of him!

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 05/01/2025 11:50

Potsy123 · 05/01/2025 10:55

i should have nipped it in the bud when it started - asked him to bring coffee once and he brought enough for the time he was staying.

My good god, what a miserly creature.

MinnieCauldwell · 05/01/2025 14:37

Did you buy him Christmas presents, did he get you and the kids anything?

bevm72yellow · 26/03/2025 02:17

Have you quietly got rid of this cocklodger? Basically stealing from your kids in a sneaky way.

bevm72yellow · 26/03/2025 02:20

No confrontation...just tell him it's not working for you.... end of. He will continue to do that even if confronted.

GCAcademic · 26/03/2025 02:23

Urgh. On top of those feckless men that pay nothing towards their kids, we, as a society, now have men who happily take from other people's kids. Shameless.

lifesrichpageant · 26/03/2025 04:26

OP this is unbelievable. There is something quite wrong here, and it is not with you. Please trust your instincts on this one. It is perfectly reasonable to ask him to contribute. How he responds will tell you everything you need to know. You have four children and are on universal credit and he TAKES HIS SAUSAGES HOME WITH HIM - boggles the mind. It's not you, it's him!