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Original poster

Couples don't really feel comfortable with single people

83 replies

Rosiecidar · 02/01/2025 12:15

Most of my friends are in relationships. Over Christmas I noticed that I would get invited to meet up for coffee or go over for lunch to find it would really just be my friend. But when we spoke about what we had been up to I kept hearing " we did X with some other couples" or "are going away with some couples" etc. Honestly, far more fun things. But one of them mentioned how she would like to join my annual trip walking which I am invited to by a friend who hires a country house; this is just really an example. It seems that when it's an experience that I am included in there's an assumption that anyone can join but if there's other couples then no single people aren't invited. Am probably feeling a bit sore as Christmas felt lonely, but can others relate to this?

OP posts:
user23124 · 02/01/2025 12:18

I find this odd as I rarely hang out with DH in a couple and prefer to have my own friends. I find pretty much all my friends partners insufferable. I have loads of single mates of both sexes. I find all those 'coupley groups' are makign huge sacrifices to hang out together - you see it on here a lot - woman moaning about how boring DH's mates wives are, how friends DC attack yours etc and ruin your house. I just won't put up with all that crap and want to enjoy my time off so I prefer us all to have our own mates and ten enjoy family time together.

Onlyvisiting · 02/01/2025 12:19

I'd much prefer friends made the effort to spend 1 on 1 time, assuming you aren't equal friends with their OH why would you particularly want to see them? I hate feeling like the 3rd wheel to couples.

bunnypenny · 02/01/2025 12:21

You say that you are invited for coffee or lunch. do you do any inviting yourself, or suggesting of more fun things? If not, why not?

SallyWD · 02/01/2025 12:22

I agree with others. I only see my friends 1 on 1. Why on earth would I bring DH along? We do know about two or three other couple we socialise with. These are long term friends of ours. However, 90% of our socialsing is done with our own friends, individually. I'd hate to be the type of person who could only socialise with DH. We have a great relationship but we're two separate people.

TangerineClementine · 02/01/2025 12:25

Most of my friends are in couples (and I'm in a couple myself). Thinking about it, I guess I wouldn't usually invite a single person to a social occasion that was otherwise all couples. I'd tend to arrange to meet that person separately, just as you describe. I guess I think that they would feel awkward or something? It seems silly as I type it!

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 02/01/2025 12:25

@Onlyvisiting it's not quite the third wheel. What I am suggesting is that because I am single I am just not invited to some things that actually I would really enjoy. I am good friends with the husbands/partners of some friends but my female friends often don't want their partners. I have one on one time with my friends but why is it only that ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosiecidar · 02/01/2025 12:32

@bunnypenny I knew this would come up ! This is my point, I invite friends in a relationship with their partners on hikes, weekends away, dinner parties, concerts loads of things...and I spend one on one time. But the couples will freely say "am going hiking with some other couples" or " have hired a house in Devon with some other couples" - it's not about affordability, they know I earn enough for that not to be an issue. But for some reason they don't feel comfortable..

OP posts:
DogInATent · 02/01/2025 12:44

Most of my friends are in relationships. Over Christmas I noticed that I would get invited to meet up for coffee or go over for lunch to find it would really just be my friend.

It's the dynamics of three people in a room and the dynamics of relationships. With three people someone is usually the spare wheel, and if your friend invites you (as their friend) it's an opportunity for their partner to have some time to themselves. It would be genuinely odd if you were genuinely good friends with both partners in a couple and this happened, but I doubt that's usually the case.

muddyford · 02/01/2025 12:47

I met several friends over the last few days; I am married but met my single friendly alone, a married friend with her husband, and a married friend without her husband. I didn't take DH as they aren't his friends.

Sassysoonwins · 02/01/2025 12:51

Totally agree with pp. I have many friends that I see without DH and he has similar. We only have about 3 couple friends because it needs to be the case that we all like each other. In many cases I don't gel with the partner or wife of DHs friend so don't want to sit there all night whilst they have a great time and I wish I was at home with a book.

Bucket07 · 02/01/2025 12:53

I get you OP. When my relationship with my partner ended, I didn't realise that one of the big losses would be losing the "couple identity". In my experience, couples want to hang out with other couples and I immediately stopped being invited to country walk/ Sunday lunch type events. It's been quite an adjustment.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 02/01/2025 13:08

Bucket07 · 02/01/2025 12:53

I get you OP. When my relationship with my partner ended, I didn't realise that one of the big losses would be losing the "couple identity". In my experience, couples want to hang out with other couples and I immediately stopped being invited to country walk/ Sunday lunch type events. It's been quite an adjustment.

Thank you @Bucket07 . You've nailed my point. Maybe I explained my point poorly, it's not about being a "third wheel" it's about being included in say a group of 5 with 4 couples...
Most of the people above have said, only have x number couple friends that we hang out with, but if you read MN that doesn't equate... can't recall any situation where it's "DH and I, another couple and my friend went out". My gut feeling is if you are single there's a feeling that you may need looking after at some level.

OP posts:
RockPaperS · 02/01/2025 13:10

I guess the couple thing is because the men and women often will have separate conversations, at least for part of the time. I will do girls evenings/coffee/etc but if I’m organising something also with DH I will invite mostly couples so he has male company!

susiedaisy1912 · 02/01/2025 13:13

Bucket07 · 02/01/2025 12:53

I get you OP. When my relationship with my partner ended, I didn't realise that one of the big losses would be losing the "couple identity". In my experience, couples want to hang out with other couples and I immediately stopped being invited to country walk/ Sunday lunch type events. It's been quite an adjustment.

Same here

CharSiu · 02/01/2025 13:25

We only ever see one couple at a time so it would be very obvious then so I do see my single mates by myself. However we have actively avoided mixing couple mates as neither of us are keen on massive groups. When you say 4 couples that means a group of 9, that’s just not for either of us.

Group make up changes the vibe of an event often, it’s probably just that.

bifurCAT · 02/01/2025 13:25

I think there are lots of 'perceived' dynamics going on here...

Couples often assume the single will either be a third wheel, or will feel like one.

It's often thought that the men can split off and have 'bro' time while the women can have their 'girly gossip' time. You will leave a single if this occurs with mm+f or ff+m.

Also, depending on insecurities, some people are uncomfortable leaving a man alone with a single female, and vice versa.

It sucks, I know.

DogInATent · 02/01/2025 13:27

Couples often assume the single will either be a third wheel, or will feel like one.

As someone in a couple, I actually assume that it leaves one of the couple as the third wheel. As the single must be a good friend of one of the couple to be invited. If the single was the third wheel then that would raise all sorts of WTF as to why they'd been invited in the first place.

kiwiane · 02/01/2025 13:33

I understand - even when I’ve been invited to a party it’s been expected I’ll bring someone along as otherwise I could be perceived as lonely yet I’m happy to chat and make new friends.
It is one think I miss about being married and it does make for more time alone.

Original poster
Rosiecidar · 02/01/2025 13:36

CharSiu · 02/01/2025 13:25

We only ever see one couple at a time so it would be very obvious then so I do see my single mates by myself. However we have actively avoided mixing couple mates as neither of us are keen on massive groups. When you say 4 couples that means a group of 9, that’s just not for either of us.

Group make up changes the vibe of an event often, it’s probably just that.

Apologies, rubbish maths. I meant a group of five - 2 couples and a single person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosiecidar · 02/01/2025 13:39

kiwiane · 02/01/2025 13:33

I understand - even when I’ve been invited to a party it’s been expected I’ll bring someone along as otherwise I could be perceived as lonely yet I’m happy to chat and make new friends.
It is one think I miss about being married and it does make for more time alone.

I agree, when you are with a partner you don't actually appreciate how it feels to be single, until you are or vice versa.

OP posts:
renoleno · 02/01/2025 13:40

When I was single I was invited to pretty much everything, certainly cottage hols or group events. Sometimes I was the only single in 8 couples but never bothered me or anyone else. I know some of the couples would occasionally meet up for dinner parties but it was when it was 2 couples, not a group. And I'd be invited to dinner parties on my own anyway.

DH however has friends who only did couple holidays and never invited him, which he thought was weird.

As an aside now that we are married we hate going on hols with other couples! I like maintaining some separation between DH and friends as I'm divorced and it was easy as my exH wasn't integrated into the group where it would be awkward (I was into his and it was sad to lose those friends).

Chocolatey1234 · 02/01/2025 13:42

I can see both sides as I didn’t marry or meet DH until late. I see my female friends on their own (the conversation is better and less small talk) without husbands or partners and we only very occasionally go out with other couples.

I met a lady on holiday last year who was a widow. She was older than me about mid to late 60’s, well travelled and intelligent. She said holidays as a single woman were grim as they were expensive with the supplements and some staff and some couples either pitied her, were suspicious of her or the man made a play for her. She also said a few of her friends husbands had made unwanted passes at her as had some male work colleagues which had led to awkwardness).

My DH is poorly so I am likely to be on my own before long. I can imagine some of my friends DH’s will think I will be on the pull so I may not even see much of them never mind the partners.

If you book a meal with MIL I am always careful that we aren’t all sat in couples so she doesn’t feel left out and conscious that FIL is no longer with us. But if you go out with 3 couples plus a singleton the table sitting is more awkward apart fromanything else:

gannett · 02/01/2025 13:57

I've ended up socialising more with couples as I've got older, but the only reason is that more of my friends have eventually got into couples. Doesn't have any effect on still seeing single friends. Hosted a small NYE get-together and there were 4 couples (one where I was meeting a friend's new bf for the first time), 5 single women, 3 single men, 2 single non-binary people and 4 people in relationships who were there without their partner.

Single people are definitely less flaky about turning up to parties! And actually my parent friends have become de facto single people when socialising, even if I'm friends with both of them, because they tag team. I can't really think of a social situation where you'd have to only do it with couples. Restaurants have tables for 5. Hosting is as easy for 5/7 as for 4/6. Walking, gigs, art galleries... nothing requires an even number of people.

gannett · 02/01/2025 14:00

bifurCAT · 02/01/2025 13:25

I think there are lots of 'perceived' dynamics going on here...

Couples often assume the single will either be a third wheel, or will feel like one.

It's often thought that the men can split off and have 'bro' time while the women can have their 'girly gossip' time. You will leave a single if this occurs with mm+f or ff+m.

Also, depending on insecurities, some people are uncomfortable leaving a man alone with a single female, and vice versa.

It sucks, I know.

So so so thankful that none of my social circles have these perceived dynamics. The idea that any social event will result in the men and women splitting off into gender-segregated groups is just bizarre to me. 'Bro time' and 'girly gossip', christ do people actually live by these dreadful stereotypes?

gannett · 02/01/2025 14:03

user23124 · 02/01/2025 12:18

I find this odd as I rarely hang out with DH in a couple and prefer to have my own friends. I find pretty much all my friends partners insufferable. I have loads of single mates of both sexes. I find all those 'coupley groups' are makign huge sacrifices to hang out together - you see it on here a lot - woman moaning about how boring DH's mates wives are, how friends DC attack yours etc and ruin your house. I just won't put up with all that crap and want to enjoy my time off so I prefer us all to have our own mates and ten enjoy family time together.

I don't recognise this at all.

My friends tend to have good taste in people (after all they are friends with me) so I tend to get along (and in many cases eventually make friends with) their partners too. DP's friends are also mostly excellent. I can't really imagine being in a relationship where you find your partner's friends so tedious or awful that you don't want to socialise with them - it's a bit of an insult isn't it? My friends are very dear and important to me and I'd feel offended if my partner didn't want to spend even one evening with them.

DP and I are not joined at the hip by any means and socialise without each other often, it's just that... we like each other's friends. And that's a direct consequence of liking each other.