Couples don't really feel comfortable with single people

[Rosiecidar]

Most of my friends are in relationships. Over Christmas I noticed that I would get invited to meet up for coffee or go over for lunch to find it would really just be my friend. But when we spoke about what we had been up to I kept hearing " we did X with some other couples" or "are going away with some couples" etc. Honestly, far more fun things. But one of them mentioned how she would like to join my annual trip walking which I am invited to by a friend who hires a country house; this is just really an example. It seems that when it's an experience that I am included in there's an assumption that anyone can join but if there's other couples then no single people aren't invited. Am probably feeling a bit sore as Christmas felt lonely, but can others relate to this?

I suspect you’re right.

We always invite my best friend of 35 years to important occasions. She’s been mostly single for all of that time and we wouldn't dream of leaving her out. My husband is really fond of her too. So, I don’t understand it myself.

Quite simply a single woman is a threat to many couples.
The women fear you might be after their husbands.

That is the bottom line.
Single men get invited as it’s usually women doing the inviting.

I find the opposite actuallt, its the single person, sometimes that had been me, is who feels like a third wheel and awkward.

Same for me!
Dropped like a stone .

We aren’t interested in your husbands!!!!

I wonder also if there's an element of having one of the husband's being interested in the single friend and then the person who included that friend feeling like they are some how responsible...

Tbh no. I have been invited to gatherings where there is a mix of couples and singles. When I was married I would get really bored If the mix of people were only couples. I prefer variety. Of course there are times I am bored with joining couples going out, unless there are other singles :).

You only see friends on their own? Never a group thing? Sounds really boring to me.

We moved city so don't really have a big group of friends here. We have our separate friends and do know one or two couples we see together.
In our old city, yes we had a big friendship group and we'd socialise together sometimes. Some people in this group were single and were never excluded!

There are interesting dynamics here though. I go on a walking trip annually arranged by a friend and it's a mix of couples and singles held in a beautiful location and a lot of thought goes into the event.. Friends of mine who are couples and singles have asked if they can come as well , if I can get them an invite - not withstanding that these couples have their weekends away in the lakes, south of France, Devon, the list goes on. They seem to think it's fine to have couples only events and singles should understand that but because I am single it's fine to ask for an invite to things I am invited to...

Very common thing on MN. Girls' nights out, etc. I have no interest in that kind of segregation.

How depressing. Isn’t he able to talk to people without a penis?

It doesn’t happen in my life. I can’t remember the last time I was at a single-sex social occasion, unless for some reason some people couldn’t come at the last minute, so it happened that way by chance.

Yes I have noticed this a lot. A couple of years ago, just before Christmas I logged onto facebook to see all of my really close friends at the pub together. It turned out they were with their partners on a couples night out (men not in picture) but it hit me so hard as I couldn't understand how it hadn't even been mentioned in front of me and what had I done.

One of my other pet peeves is when the kids and are invited round to dinner, we always seem to get fed food like pizza even though when there couple friends come to dinner its three course meals.

That's not the opposite, is it?

I do go out in groups of women, but it's just the way it works sometimes. We don't ban men, like some people do.

But if you go out with 3 couples plus a singleton the table sitting is more awkward apart fromanything else

I don't understand how it's awkward and I don't understand all this "third wheel" talk. Usually if a single person is part of the outing they'll know most of the other people in the party. No one has to sit by their partner. No one has to sit anywhere in particular. They just... sit down at the table.

I was long-term single in my 20s and never felt like a third wheel hanging out with couples? Why would I? There aren't any topics of conversation I can think of that only couples can contribute to.

I think some women worry their H may try it on with a single friend or vice versa.

Others think single people will feel uncomfortable with couples. or they feel uncomfortable all being couples with a single.

Or you ruin their seating plans.

I am glad my social circles are not like this though. Always been a mix of couples and singles.

Maybe some people enjoy the identity of being a couple so like to do ' couple things with couples.'

Have you ever head-on confronted rhem on this? So said, for example, yeah I can ask and see what future plans are... now speaking of which, how about this thing in Devon?

I think it’s the most pathetic excuse myself. I socialised in the same groups whether I was single or in a couple. For me, couples socialising is much trickier, as the chances that everyone likes everyone else are smaller. I would say DH and I are more likely to socialise with single friends we’re both genuinely fond of. We do have some friends who are couples, but those are long-standing friendships going back to our student days and we were often friends with them before they were a couple (and in some cases before we were).

I understand completely @Rosiecidar.
It's not about how you feel or what you do... it's the being forgotten about.
I was single for years and was often alone eg bank holidays. And then friends would mention what they'd done, even say oh we'd have asked you if we knew you were on your own. But they just never thought about me.
It feels sad.

I've found this as a single parent. I'm always included on "mums nights" but the same friendship group never invite me to couple or family events. I don't really get why - I think I'm decent company and never over familiar with men. It seems to be the same for other single mums in our cohort. I try to not let it bother me but I can't lie, sometimes it's hard being left out.

Yes, I have experienced the same as you OP & it's one of the toughest things associated with ending a marriage or ltr.

Tbh, I thought more of my friends would be in the same boat by now but it seems the divorce statistics don't apply to my social circle and everyone else is staying together!

Obviously there are a range of dynamics in different friend groups, but I've definitely experienced this - more so as I've got older. When I've been part of a couple, I've usually enjoyed socialising separately, and never found any problems with that when I was younger. Now, though, older and single, I only get the lunch and coffee invites from most people (although I've one or two old friends where it's more varied). I get that it's also an opportunity for them to have a solo time out away from their partner, which is fine, but it's like they don't want to 'waste' an evening or event by seeing me as a couple or with other couples. I can live with it, but it does become a bit odd hearing them talking about meals out or events without the slightest sense that I could have been invited. They obviously don't have to invite me anywhere, but it's just strange that it doesn't even occur to them it might be feasible. When I've tried suggesting things like, 'why don't we all...' it's just dismissed. At the same time, my friends tell me I should get out more - by which they presumably mean I should stop being single - but it's hard to widen a friendship group, let alone meet someone, if all social activities end up just being me or me plus one friend at lunchtime! I'm not the biggest socialiser, but it makes it much harder when you feel like an oddity or an encumbrance.

Yes, this is it exactly. I am a very keen hiker and am pretty fit...when friends in couples mention going on such trips they seem to mention that it's with other couples to explain why it hasn't been mentioned to me before. I am sure they don't realise they are even doing it.

You're not wrong OP. I've been divorced once (in my late twenties) and then widowed when my second husband died 8 years ago. I can absolutely attest that in both cases "couple" friends either only invited me to a very few low key things or more often than not avoided me like the plague. It really is a thing. Ask almost any divorcee or widow. Couples feel awkward with a singleton in their midst for a number of reasons and, quite frankly, it is fair to say that it alters the dynamic. Also the female half of the couple may well see you as a threat. Yes, really. It's been extensively experienced and written about. You don't realise the social impact of not being a couple until you're in that position.