Couples don't really feel comfortable with single people

[Rosiecidar]

Most of my friends are in relationships. Over Christmas I noticed that I would get invited to meet up for coffee or go over for lunch to find it would really just be my friend. But when we spoke about what we had been up to I kept hearing " we did X with some other couples" or "are going away with some couples" etc. Honestly, far more fun things. But one of them mentioned how she would like to join my annual trip walking which I am invited to by a friend who hires a country house; this is just really an example. It seems that when it's an experience that I am included in there's an assumption that anyone can join but if there's other couples then no single people aren't invited. Am probably feeling a bit sore as Christmas felt lonely, but can others relate to this?

I have the same experience. Tonight I am meeting with friends for a drink. We only ever meet as single sex groups or with kids. Yet I know the rest of the groups husbands. They will do couple things, in pairs of couples or three couples, like theatre and dinner. I am never invited unless it's a party that doesn't require a seating plan. It's not even a third wheel thing. I've invited couples to things and only the women actually come out, citing childcare usually. But they can get a babysitter when it's a nice tidy even number 🤷‍♀️

Another who as a single parent just never got invited to couples things. One group (two couples)I thought I was close to dropped me after exh left, that felt really hurtful at the time. I have just got used to it now, but one friend -who never invited me to her couples things- just got divorced and now thinks we can hang out all the time, and I've found that really annoying tbh and don't intend to.

The reality is that for a lot of groups this is what happens. Some general conversation but also some men/women subgroups at times.
Call it depressing all you want, this is how a large amount of people like to do it.

Yes. I don’t think people who are part of a couple really notice this. It is definitely a thing though

"But if you go out with 3 couples plus a singleton the table sitting is more awkward apart fromanything else
I don't understand how it's awkward"

No, it's rubbish. If we go out in a group of friends who are either all single or a combination of single and coupled up, we don't insist on the group being an even number.
If there are 5 or 7 people eating at a restaurant, there will be an empty space, but so what? Restaurants are used to this.

It's sad to read that so many people have experienced this when single. I hope my single friends (I have two very close single friends who I'm thinking of in particular, neither of whom have ever married or has children) don't feel that DH and I behave like this.

We try to include our friends in our day to day family life (we still have small kids, so there's a lot of Nativitys and aquarium trips and so on) and I do things with them one to one, same as with my other close friends (like the movies or whatever) and we do some bigger stuff all together too. This year we've got two days out booked for just me and DH and one theatre trip as a three with one of my friends. We usually visit my not-local friend once a year as a family and she comes to stay with us once or twice two for a few days. We don't really do stuff in big groups with other couples either.

I have experience this too OP. Even my best friend only seems to want to meet up for lunch or an afternoon drink/coffee/walk at weekends so that she can get home on time to have dinner with her other half. She's however happy to go and see gigs in the evenings with her partner and another couple, or for a sunday pub lunch, but fails to invite me along.

My new year's resolution is to try and make some new friends, single or coupled up don't mind, just as long as they are happy to hang out in the evenings or Sundays as that's when it sometimes gets a bit lonely.

You sound like a lovely friend Oneflightdown

This happened to me in the early 00's when I chose to divorce with 2 small children. I was financially independent with my own home and that too isolated me from friends. Older and wiser now. At the time I felt very alone and it took me a good 10 yrs to build up a new and genuine circle of friends that I still have to this day. It was a largely lonely time in terms of friendships and groups. I have great friends now, a mix of mid 20's/30/'s, divorced peers my age and still married peers my age- all met through work over the decades.

What I have learnt is that ( and I know this will grate on some and does not apply to all but .. ) generally , coupled women, don't usually like attractive single/divorced / financially independent working women either with / or without children around! Lots of my divorced female peer friends have all experienced the same so this really is a thing. I heard a few years ago from a friend I had known decades ago when our children were at nursery, who ghosted me when I divorced. She herself is now divorced and wanted to "reestablish the friendship". She told me she "ended " the friendship as she felt threatened at the time as her husband would often comment on my " professional work clothes appearance" and " financial independence". This basically has echoed many conversations that "old friends" have had with me, largely following on from changes now in their own marital circumstance. Needless to say I have not continued with those friendships. I cannot forget that they left me on my own when I needed them the most. Their insecurities , not mine.

This whole even / odd numbers cobblers is nonsense. I have single friends, gay friends, those is insecure or new relationships and long term 25yrs + married friends with grown up children like mine. I regularly host all here at mine. They are my friends and their relationship status is not relevant. Also large family meets. There is no ever " single" person, we are friends, we are family, a community. No one, nor do I , ever feel alone or odd one out. In fact, I am usually always at the centre. I am single ( do not want the boundaries of a relationship) and always invited to parties. I attend with married friends whose husbands either stay home with the kids or their own activities, colleagues and /or single friends. I have even attended a colleagues wedding with my friend and her husband as I had no +1!

Op, if you are being left out or feeling left out, I strongly advise you that you look to broadening your friendship group. It is not ok for friends to leave you out on the sole premise that you are single. It should not define you or your worthiness to be involved.

Same experience as many here. Once single (divorced) the lunch and coffee invitations mostly continued but evenings and weekends were couples only…

it is lonely.

I think the only way through is to ensure you are in a fairly diverse environment where there are enough people around to make new friends - not all of whom are coupled up. And expand the social life as much as possible.

Some really interesting comments on here. A friend of mine, honestly a very good friend said to me that weekends are for her husband and her as a couple but actually what that means is they are a couple with other couples. That said she's been with me through thick and thin and we live in different countries so there's practically not much in the comment but I do think it speaks to a mindset. Agree with pp here who say it's always a weekday or lunchtime thing but when you're single it's the weekend evenings that can feel lonely. One of my resolutions for this year is to invest in friendships carefully.

I really don't understand the "odd numbers" thing.
I think people maybe assume that a single person will feel left out if they're surrounded by couples? But obviously they feel a lot more left out if they're completely excluded from the event!

I also find the lack of spontaneity with married/coupled up friends is tough - you can't just text them on the off chance to do something because if you do chances are it will be "Ah, sorry can't, Dave & I are (insert activity here), maybe we could meet for coffee in three week's time?"

Couples like couple friends to do double dates with.
If you're not in a couple then your friends partner will probably count the time the friend sees you as me time.
When I was with ex boyfriend I would go to the pub with him and friends if they were couples there but if just one man or one friend or a couple of men I would leave them to it and do my own thing that evening

You could also just invite your friend and not the entire couple

But yes I know what you mean it's sad not to be included in fun stuff just because you don't have a plus one. It's also sad when you do get in your next relationship how the invites to that kind of thing pick up

I think part of it is assuming that single people will want to use their free time going to cool bars and meeting men and being on dates - they don't think you'd want to hang out with couples, as it's boring, or it might make you feel left out

Yes OP, I experienced the same things and it’s very upsetting. Whenever I have a bf my friends who are in couples cheerfully suggest meeting up in couples to go for dinner etc. When I’m single (and therefore at my loneliest and in need of company) they just ignore me. The most painful was when I introduced 2 close friends and their husbands to eachother. They then proceeded to do things togeher (often with a third couple I know) but never invited me. Things would change whenever I had a bf, I felt I was being ‘rewarded’ for having a bf because they’d want to spend time with me again.
The most painful was when we, the 3 girls, were in the car one day and my 2 friends were talking about an event they were going to go to (with their husbands), about what they were going to wear, etc. It didn’t even cross their mind to ask if I wanted to go too, as if I obviously wouldn’t want to go because I was…err…single. I was literally sitting in the back crying and they didn’t even notice. I have decided since then to be wiser when choosing my friends.

I was in a friendship circle for years and when my husband and I split up, my friends (couples) continued to invite me to social events. We've known each other for so long it doesn't seem awkward, sometimes it's a bit wearing being the only single but I think it's far preferable to being left out of what your friendship circle is doing.

It's often thought that the men can split off and have 'bro' time while the women can have their 'girly gossip' time. You will leave a single if this occurs with mm+f or ff+m.

Not trying to be difficult but why can’t all the f’s go together or m’s? Unless you mean just one couple and one single at an event? In which case, I’ve been out and at home with my partner and our single male/female friends a lot and we’ve never felt the need to split off bc we share enough common interests to chat amongst ourselves round a table for a couple of hours or whatever equally. I’m not great with ‘girly’ chat but having kids opens up the inevitable school and development conversations, which is what many women talk about while men discuss current affairs, TV, politics, work, whatever. I think this is the case with women you don’t know very well tho, like partners of friends, and it’s common ground so you’re not just sitting in silence, which is fair enough. I guess with men it could be their cars or sport. I prefer chatting to ppl about a wider variety of topics though.

edited for typos

Have you brought this up to them to gauge their reaction? You don’t need to make it specific to them or accusatory in any way but you could make it more like a general observation. It might make them think a bit outside their own bubble and empathise. Could always change their behaviour

Fair point depending on age, but not when you are 57 !

This is true, when I have been in a relationship I got more invites from couple friends... it's really noticeable.

@Gabitule I am sorry to hear that. I really do understand. It's as though you aren't part of a club that they have a membership to.

I found the opposite tbh, OP.

When I was single, I was always invited out by couple friends and on couple nights out/weekends away.

Since findng a partner, these friends have drifted and I stopped getting the invites and they stopped responding to mine.

I think it's maybe because they felt sorry for me and weren't genuine friends and now I have a partner, they don't feel I need them anymore. Who knows! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was single when I met them and was single for around 10 years. They never knew me any differently! I know some of them regarded my life as quite free and exciting. I suppose I'm just not that anymore either! 😅

Dynamics between people.can be odd. I'd agree with getting out and meeting more people.

I actually chose my username because this is an issue I was thinking about over the last days. Having been single several times in my life for a longer time - also now, and having recently turned 60, and having recently stopped working I am a bit in a phase where I am taking stock of my life. My job in an office offered me a constant flow of social contact but it was superficial. Apart from a couple of colleagues who I consider friends I will mostly never see the others again. We got along well but I never had any importance to them as a human being. Not that I thought I had but it's also the reason I stopped working. I suffered from the shallowness.
I realize that my life has to some extent been "meager" when it comes to my social life, and that this has to do with the fact that I was often single. I have for example a good friend with whom I have dinner a couple of times a year, which is really nice as I love eating out. At the same time I also know that when she throws a gathering at her place with her partner, I will never be invited. I guess if I would have a partner, especially if he would have a good job, I would probably be invited.
Sometimes it seems as if people think I am not a complete person because I am single.
I thought by myself: do these people realize that a single person has exactly the same needs as someone in a couple? It's not because we don't have a partner that we don't know what it is to have one. That we would not love to have someone that has our back, that hugs us when we come home, that laughs at our jokes, that we can plan a holiday with, that supports us when we have a bad day.
We are also people who want "to belong": be seen, be heard, be thought about, be thought of fondly. Having "witnesses" to our life.
What bothers me with women who are in a relationship is that they are often not the best friends. They are often always in a hurry and rarely are capable to really make time for you. I whatsapp with my friend and she is making her garbage bag while doing that :-(. When I say something about it she's irritated. But I don't have a lot of friends so I put up with it, although grudgingly. I think it's rude, I think I deserve better but I don't have a queue of 5 other potential friends lined up... And yes I like her but I also think she's not always nice to me.
In general: how many people can really have a conversation of an hour when you really listen to each other? Yes I know it's probably not happening in many couples either.
I have a good life with many things going for me but it sometimes gets lonely and I am afraid it won't get better with age, and this can make me very sad at times :-(.