DH messaging mutual female friend everyday

[apricotflower]

Around 4 months ago I noticed that DH had become quite text chatty with a woman we’ve had a casual friendship with for around a year (she’s single).

They seemed pretty much just friendly, but there were a couple that said things like ‘sleep tight’ & ‘I hope you have a good sleep’. I expressed to him that it felt a bit much to me, and he said he could see where I was coming from and would respect my boundaries.

I’ve since discovered that he has been messaging her on a daily basis over the last month & a half. This is on top of him having regular conversations with her at the gym they both go to, and way more contact than her & I have. He’s pretty much reacting to every status she shares in their messages, or messaging to see how her day was - it seems like he is trying to ensure there is a constant connection.

There are some messages between them late at night, where she says she’s going to sleep now, and he still sends through another message…seemingly ready for her to respond to the next day & keep it going. He has also shared a personal family situation with her, but only told me about a male friend he’d shared this with.

He has a couple of old female friends that he does not speak to as much as this, and although the messages don’t seem flirty, i get the feeling that he’s in the early stages of building an emotional attachment.

Just looking for some advice as to whether I’m reading too much into this please?

In these situations it’s best to listen to your gut feeling. As an outsider from what you’ve written it looks like he’s crushing on her. How are you both friends with her? What’s the back story?

Veto sharing personal family problems without conferring with one another. Have your husband agree not to share sensitive information, as you are both her friend.
The prevalent communication would upset me.

If she is your casual friend, can you text and arrange to meet up with her a few times over a couple of weeks without telling your spouse? Just have a coffee and a non commital chit chat. Play it cool.
See how DH feels. If he finds out etc. Feels uncomfortable etc.

Arrange a few blind dates for her. Observe. Is she receptive to finding a partner? Does she prefer your partner?
Invite her over for lunch. Behave as if she is a shared friend not exclusively DHs friend. Ask if she is seeing anyone? Ask if she is lonely, not being able to talk daily about life with someone?

Without being judgemental or upset, ask your DH a long series of "Why" when you notice him texting..
Why are you messaging XX.
DH answer.
Why did you want to ask about that XX
DH answer
Why do you think she said that.
DH answer
Why did she answer your text so early.
DH answer.

Ask mindless, non confrontational why questions.
Get him to examine his own mind as to the need to text her.

I would be furious.
He is crushing, she is trying to lure him and shows no respect for you.
Create a common chat for three of you and say “hey guys, created this chat so that the three of us can communicate. Noticed you exchange a lot of messages so thought I might be a bit of help”.

I do not chat a man so much unless I fancy him, so she is equally lame.

Hopefully she views him as a pest and blocks him.

Yes, I think that's an emotional attachment which is beyond normal friendship.
I think that he is stoking a fire which if he's not careful would become an affair, because when you get frequent positive attention those bonds grow whether you set out to make that happen or not.
If he doesn't realise that he's being naive.
If he does realise that but continues regardless then he should know that he stands to lose you and it's not harmless, so that's his choice.

🚩🚩🚩 Sorry
No way would my DH do that, far too intimate a relationship.

He sounds like a love sick puppy and would be bloody furious. Not only is he a gigantic walking ick but he is blatantly trying to start a relationship with another woman. You need to sit him down and tell him, does he realise how disrespectful he is being towards you?

I would be incandescent with rage if my dh did this. How disrespectful .
He has a massive crush on her and she knows it
How would your dh feel if you behaved the way he has?

That’s ridiculous. ‘Sleep tight’ texts? Way over the top.

I think a group chat for the three of you is a good idea. It sounds as though your partner is driving it so he needs to stop now.

Yeah this is how affairs start

Am I wrong to think if you're in a committed relationship, why would you text the opposite sex, at all?? Unless on a group chat or the other partner knows about it? It's a rocky road from there 😕. I could be completely out of order for thinking this, I'm sure someone will let me know, lol.

Wow he is cringe. You need to have a serious conversation with him , this isn't normal behaviour. Has he any hobbies /interests apart from the gym?

@apricotflower, your H is infatuated and is playing with fire in emotional affair territory.

When you initially expressed your concern, he agreed to respect your boundaries, yet he has broken that agreement and has actually escalated his communication and emotional investment in OW. They share an attraction and are building intimacy and reliance. Their over-frequent contact and late evening chat are very coupley. He clearly feels flattered and validated by this new exciting adventure.

I wouldn’t be tolerating this blatant disrespect and line crossing, @apricotflower. He opened a window to this woman and he would be slamming it shut immediately if he wanted to stay married to me. This means cutting contact in a final message in my presence, changing gyms, and moving mountains to restore my trust.

You both need to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Absolutely not ok. Agree with PP this is affair territory!

What's your story? How old are each of you and how long married? Any kids?

I'd be sitting him down again and saying you're uncomfortable with the frequency of the chat and the familiarity of the messages. It's disrespectful, as is sharing details of a personal family situation. Let him know he's bordering on an emotional affair. Ask him if he's prepared to lose you if he persists.

Thank you all for your advice. While relieved doesn’t seem like the right word, it is good to know that I’m not overthinking this.

To provide a bit of backstory - her child attends the same school as ours, so that’s how we became acquainted. We have been married for nearly 10 years. Us and OW are all in our mid 30’s. We are in what I believe to be in a good place when it comes to our marriage, which is why this is leaving me more confused.

I’m not a ‘no female friends’ type of person, but something just feels different about this ( for many of the reasons you have all pointed out).

It definitely is him that is steering the frequency of their communication, but I would not be messaging my friend’s husband like this if I were her at the same time.

Because of the children being friends, and knowing that I will see her around after whatever unfolds (dealing with awkward face to face encounters for example), it’s left me feeling very unclear on how to deal with this.

He's panting like a hot dog and probably drilling at the moth when he thinks about her/

Of course he is disrespecting you and has crossed the line.

The problem is if you give him the ultimatum of him ceasing all contact with her then he will resent you.

Either way your relationship is doomed.

As for her, even if she has no interest in him she is encouraging him to keep sniffing around and is certainly no friend of yours.

I would deal with it by -

1 - telling him that he's a disrespectful douche bag and he can clear off.

2 - blank and block her.

The poster above who mentioned the non confrontational “Why?” Questions is on to something there. At the moment he is minimising, they are “just friends” as it’s not sexual, but it’s certainly emotionally intimate. You can lay down rules all you want but if he isn’t seeing why his behaviour is such a slippery slope to an affair then he’ll continue because “it’s no big deal.” No amount of “banning” contact will work. It will just push it underground into secrecy (the perfect environment for affairs)
I would definitely be making an effort to get closer to her (keep your friends close and all that).
Start going out with her, maybe without telling DH until the day. See his reaction. You being friends with her and realising you too might be confiding personal details about HIM to her might be a wake up call. Equally, she’s no friend of yours and absolutely pushing her luck, but she is single, maybe lonely and caught up in the attention. Start bringing her into the home (play dates, wine night, coffee, whatever), show her it’s a good family life you have. It wouldn’t stop all women, but if she’s just found herself caught up in the attention from your husband it might make her wise up to her crappy behaviour.

It also counters the “my wife is cold/unloving/crazy” narrative cheating men try to spin for her to see you aren’t those things.

Whatever you do, do not ignore this. If it turns full blown affair and you find out, it affects your self-esteem no end, but when it’s with someone you had a gut feeling about but allowed yourself to ignore/play down it’s like a double punch.

Your H, with OW’s help, has made inappropriate choices that have threatened and damaged your marriage and family, so there must be consequences. Their friendship is not a platonic one, so it must be cut off. Likewise, the children’s friendship cannot be maintained outside of school, so distance must be established. No play dates, etc. If you run into her, be cool and distant. I certainly wouldn’t be speaking to/chatting with my H’s affair partner.

You get a lot advice how to be strategic, set her up on dates and so on. You say you are in a good place in your marriage. You are not and your husband is cheating. You are underreacting. They are having an affair and if you forced him to stop messaging he would stop because you forced him (or they will get sneaky). For me, the marriage would be over

@apricotflower, you really do need to come down hard on him for dismissing the agreement he made and ramping up his faithless behavior. He is pursuing OW like a single man — it’s infidelity. As for her, she is colluding with him as they build their illicit connection and mutual gratification.

Get fierce. You cannot afford to underreact and be passive. It is very clear that H was only paying lip service to make you back off when you previously expressed your discomfort. He mugged you off because he had no intention of dialing it down with his new girlfriend.

In your shoes, I would investigate my legal and financial options and then I’d blow this out of the water. You gave H the opportunity to prioritize his marriage and family, but he has chosen instead to prioritize OW. Send him away for a while and tell him that you are reconsidering the marriage. He needs to understand how the loss of you feels.

I think it's reasonable to say you are uncomfortable with this and ask him to back away. If he refuses then you will have to decide what you are willing to tolerate.

OP l agree you are under reacting. You must realise he has overstepped boundaries here and is trying to be more than friends. You say he is driving the conversation so its looks like he is the main instigator here. Time to speak to him and tell him you consider this attention paid to another woman inappropriate and disrespectful. I would be taking it very seriously indeed.

Not appropriate. Tell him if he respects you as his wife he needs to stop. How would he feel if you were texting the same to a male friend. If family or other friends knew - what would their reaction be to him and his lack of boundaries. He either needs to shape up or realise he is seriously putting your marriage in jeopardy.