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Original poster

DH messaging mutual female friend everyday

84 replies

apricotflower · 02/01/2025 04:30

Around 4 months ago I noticed that DH had become quite text chatty with a woman we’ve had a casual friendship with for around a year (she’s single).

They seemed pretty much just friendly, but there were a couple that said things like ‘sleep tight’ & ‘I hope you have a good sleep’. I expressed to him that it felt a bit much to me, and he said he could see where I was coming from and would respect my boundaries.

I’ve since discovered that he has been messaging her on a daily basis over the last month & a half. This is on top of him having regular conversations with her at the gym they both go to, and way more contact than her & I have. He’s pretty much reacting to every status she shares in their messages, or messaging to see how her day was - it seems like he is trying to ensure there is a constant connection.

There are some messages between them late at night, where she says she’s going to sleep now, and he still sends through another message…seemingly ready for her to respond to the next day & keep it going. He has also shared a personal family situation with her, but only told me about a male friend he’d shared this with.

He has a couple of old female friends that he does not speak to as much as this, and although the messages don’t seem flirty, i get the feeling that he’s in the early stages of building an emotional attachment.

Just looking for some advice as to whether I’m reading too much into this please?

OP posts:
TheJackalsJackal · 02/01/2025 12:39

This is NOT on. Does he speak to any of his male friends this often?

he needs to stop.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 02/01/2025 12:40

Do you think he genuinely believes his own bs that this is 'just friends'? You don't think about someone and talk intimately to them so often when they're just a platonic friend, especially when you're in a relationship. The good night/good morning thing is especially telling, the last thing he thinks about at night is her and the first thing in the morning is reaching for his phone to see if she's replied.

As to what to do about it though.. the idea of further befriending her I don't think I'd be able to do, but until he accepts it's hurtful to you then I don't think you'll be able to stop him (and even then he might not care). I think I'd want to give him a hard line - pack it in or move out and he can make his decision from a distance. If you just leave the status quo he has no reason to change his behaviour as he doesn't have to confront the fact that he's actually in the wrong, he gets his comfortable normal life and to tell himself that he's just being friendly and nothing is wrong.

Brioche7 · 02/01/2025 12:47

Presumably you are having to check his phone often to know all this. That alone is not a good sign.

Men don’t bother with stuff like this unless they have the hots for someone.

mrstinsle · 02/01/2025 13:02

Following.

AnonAnonmystery · 02/01/2025 13:15

Please don’t treat this woman as a “friend” any more. I once had mutual friends who were a couple ( met through dc). The H started messaging me privately and I wasn’t comfortable with it so I set up a group WhatsApp and add his wife. I shut that shit down because it wasn’t fair on his wife. This woman is entertaining your husband, whether she feels the same or not is irrelevant. I would stop trusting your husband at this point.

Angelcakelover · 02/01/2025 14:38

Any update, OP? Have you spoken to him?

coralsky · 02/01/2025 14:42

I had a single colleague of the opposite sex who was clearly quite lonely and used to message a lot. Purely platonic, I'm definitely not his type. But I felt it was taking attention away from my dp and I wouldn't like it the other way around so I reduced the conversations.

Madamegreen · 02/01/2025 14:56

It's not doomed. These situations are just one of the many challenges relationships face.
I think these two are in an emotional affair, these conversations are creating intimacy, won't be long before both hearts become more treacherous and plan to meet up...
Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends is a great read.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 02/01/2025 16:04

You shouldn’t feel relieved OP as this is not good. Your dh has already formed a strong emotional attachment to another woman outside your marriage and this will turn into a physical relationship if OW wants this and you continue to not do anything and let it happen. I think at the moment your dh would not be able to resist a physical relationship with her.

Do you still trust your dh and believe that he is just infatuated with OW? I think you need to have the conversation and find out. Tell him that your marriage is worth more than this and he has to stop now and cut all contact with OW. You will know from his reaction where he is and if your marriage can be saved.

LastOfTheWinterWine · 02/01/2025 16:25

Talk to him (calm/gently/ no judgement) google emotional affair send him the info to read.
I wish I had understood 'emotional affair' rather than trying to be the cool non threatened wife.
It dosent take long for the boundaries to be crossed & it takes year & years to recover.

Original poster
apricotflower · 02/01/2025 17:17

Hello all

Thank you for all of your responses & support with this.

I have since spoken with him and he went down the ‘just messages/friends’ route and I had to pretty much convince him that it’s inappropriate. He has since apologised, but is still downplaying it all & pointed out all the things he’s ’not doing’ after I sent him an Emotional Affair article. I have told him that he didn’t even recognise the frequent contact as a problem that he has allowed to develop, so how can I trust his judgement that nothing further could develop?

To answer as to whether I was snooping, no…I noticed that she was right next to me in his ‘frequently contacted’ when I went to send myself a recipe from his phone! I then asked him to see his exchanges between her.

Now I’m just in two minds as to whether I also confront her about this (calmly), or leave all the accountability at DH door.

OP posts:
MounjaroOnMyMind · 02/01/2025 17:22

Ugh, this is just an affair waiting to happen, isn't it?

Your DH is taking no responsibility for this at all, yet I'm sure he'd hate it if you were messaging another man from your bed.

For me it would be a deal breaker. I wouldn't want to live with the thought of that hanging over me.

AnonAnonmystery · 02/01/2025 17:25

As a pp said, he’s taking no accountability. He’s not going to stop, I hope I am wrong but you need to monitor this. Tell her to back the F off also, discourage the children’s friendships, try and do all the drop offs and collections and tell him he needs to change gym. I would go nuclear after all the minimising here! Furious for you!

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 02/01/2025 17:30

Have you asked him to stop messaging her OP? After all if she’s been a casual friend for not a long time, less than a year, it should be easy for him to ease off the messaging for you, his wife, because you are the most important person in his life. I think you need to ask him because it will be clearer from his reaction whether she is “just a friend”.

Sunnyyellowdays · 02/01/2025 17:38

This is where it goes from being innocent & “just a friend” to something else

It would be simple to stop texting a friend. And the friend would support it if they knew the reasons and probably be embarrassed!

Something “more” is an addiction & a risk they’re willing to take. It shows they have intentions for more. Hardly the actions of a loving spouse.

Freeme31 · 02/01/2025 17:41

He needs to change gyms and take responsibility for this emotional affair. Get him a copy of "only friends " asap. Your marriage is still saveable but only if he stops ALL contact and understands and is remorseful for his EA

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/01/2025 17:43

I would speak to her .
Your H is still down playing this “friendship” and seems reluctant to see how inappropriate their conversations are .
A dose of reality is needed asap

Coconutter24 · 02/01/2025 17:47

Now I’m just in two minds as to whether I also confront her about this (calmly), or leave all the accountability at DH door.

Doesn't sound like he’s taking any accountability but you need to leave it with him. Don’t talk to her she’s not the married one. If you can’t tell your DH about this and him shut it down himself then you have a big problem. This texting and friends business shouldn’t only end because you warn her off, it should end because your DH respects you enough to understand this is a problem for you and that he shouldn’t be doing it.

Bobbing46 · 02/01/2025 17:50

Ceeekay · 02/01/2025 07:05

Am I wrong to think if you're in a committed relationship, why would you text the opposite sex, at all?? Unless on a group chat or the other partner knows about it? It's a rocky road from there 😕. I could be completely out of order for thinking this, I'm sure someone will let me know, lol.

I have lots of male friends. My best friend of 30 years is a man. I dont think having a friendship or texting someone of the opposite sex is the issue. But, I certainly wouldn't impose on anyone's time by communicating with them that much

I think he needs to consider his intentions. How does he feel about her. What is he getting from the interaction. He's married not dead from the wasit down. If he fancies her or gets an ego boost from her he needs to recognise that, distance himself and priorities his relationship with his wife.

Basketballhoop · 02/01/2025 18:04

Read Shirley Glass Not Just Friends. More importantly, he needs to read it, or similar.
It sounds as if you may have caught this in time to stop 'The Script' before it progresses. Ultimately though, if someone wants to cheat, they will do it, regardless of what anyone does to try and stop them.

Collette78 · 02/01/2025 18:18

The “we are just friends” drivel is a silly and immature response.

If he’s seeking emotional connection and / or an ego boost from messaging her then it’s overstepping and presumably he wasn’t open with you about the frequency or content of their messaging.

Shes not a friend if she’s doing that so for starters bin her off, then you need to establish with him what he wants.

Ultimately a relationship is about mutually respectful behaviours - he isn’t doing that.

So either you work at it together or you don’t.

Whatever you do don’t compare yourself to her either, it’s very often not the case that the person is better looking etc etc … just that they make themselves available for this sort of nonsense or have the same poor moral compass.

So it’s a him problem not a you one!

MrsPeterHarris · 02/01/2025 19:12

I'd speak to her - not in an 'all guns blazing' way but to check if she's ok and tell her not to feel obliged to reply to him. I'd also tell her that you've asked him to stop contact as you can see it's not appropriate and expect her to stop contact also. Be nice & breezy with her but you need an inner core to put an end to it or you'll lose out in the long run.

FrivolousKitchenRollUse · 02/01/2025 19:26

Ceeekay · 02/01/2025 07:05

Am I wrong to think if you're in a committed relationship, why would you text the opposite sex, at all?? Unless on a group chat or the other partner knows about it? It's a rocky road from there 😕. I could be completely out of order for thinking this, I'm sure someone will let me know, lol.

Definitely this - how many of his male friends does he tell to sleep tight?

Angelcakelover · 02/01/2025 19:41

OP, has he said he will stop messaging her? Nothing will change unless this happens. It's not enough for him to reduce the frequency of the messages. He's majorly crossed a line, therefore, he has to cut communication now. I don't think he necessarily has to change gyms (surely, he can just avoid her? Or explain the situation to her in person and start distancing himself). He needs to make you the priority.

AlertCat · 02/01/2025 20:09

FrivolousKitchenRollUse · 02/01/2025 19:26

Definitely this - how many of his male friends does he tell to sleep tight?

Show quote history

I’ve a very dear friend who I’ve been close to since 1997 and messaged him today to wish him HNY. Also sent good wishes to, and asked after, his wife and children. I looked at our last exchange; it was in October.

There is absolutely no need to wish a good night, sleep tight to a friend. None whatsoever.

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