DH messaging mutual female friend everyday

[apricotflower]

Around 4 months ago I noticed that DH had become quite text chatty with a woman we’ve had a casual friendship with for around a year (she’s single).

They seemed pretty much just friendly, but there were a couple that said things like ‘sleep tight’ & ‘I hope you have a good sleep’. I expressed to him that it felt a bit much to me, and he said he could see where I was coming from and would respect my boundaries.

I’ve since discovered that he has been messaging her on a daily basis over the last month & a half. This is on top of him having regular conversations with her at the gym they both go to, and way more contact than her & I have. He’s pretty much reacting to every status she shares in their messages, or messaging to see how her day was - it seems like he is trying to ensure there is a constant connection.

There are some messages between them late at night, where she says she’s going to sleep now, and he still sends through another message…seemingly ready for her to respond to the next day & keep it going. He has also shared a personal family situation with her, but only told me about a male friend he’d shared this with.

He has a couple of old female friends that he does not speak to as much as this, and although the messages don’t seem flirty, i get the feeling that he’s in the early stages of building an emotional attachment.

Just looking for some advice as to whether I’m reading too much into this please?

Please don't underestimate how intense these texting relationships can get. Would not be at all happy with this

As a single person, if any of my friends husbands started to do this, I would feel so uncomfortable and would shut it down really fast. Ultimately of course he’s the one who’s married you and for sure your husband is behaving inappropriately in my opinion. Definitely hundred percent think what he’s doing is initiating an emotional affair at the very least. All I’m saying is that I cannot understand how she feels comfortable with this either.

Maybe he's kidding himself he hasn't got a bit hooked on the interaction. That little dopamine kick when you get a reply.

Maybe he even saw it as harmless as it all can be under the category of friendship... So just a bit of nothing to worry about and those little jolts of happy are private and affecting no-one, right?

But, he needs to wake up to himself (assuming he isn't already fully aware and just spinning you a line) and realise he's playing with fire.

I do think it is possible to reel yourself into contact that's a bit too nice without realising, and get out of your depth... especially if life has lost its sparkle a bit, as most of us experience at some point or another... But as a pp said, if there was no emotional attachment drawing a line under it would be a complete breeze and not even a blip on his radar.

Personally I don't think this is a show stopper yet, but his actions and response next would be the decider.

I would put the question to her, her reaction would add to my understanding of what this was between them (just him, and she's humouring as to polite to tell him to stop it, or a mutual spark with them both blowing on the embers?). I would want the extra piece in the jigsaw puzzle.

If he does want to understand what he was dabbling in, I would strongly recommend 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew Marshall... It is excellent and intended for people wanting to keep their relationship healthy at any stage in their relationship (1 year, 10 years, 30 years... Etc) but in this case it would be particularly useful as it lays bare the process of falling in love and that is something a lot of people, especially guys, could do with some educating on...
Giving him huge benefit of the doubt, this could include him.

I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship https://amzn.eu/d/i2XXsFd

I agree a lot with this. It definitely IS possible to get sucked in and not quite realise that you're crossing a line. I've done it in the past, and so has my partner. But it was easy for both of us to simply cut contact. Not a problem at all. Why? Because there was no emotional attachment and no emotional affair either. The real test is whether he can stop messaging her and stay away. If he's very reluctant to stop or doesn't significantly reduce the messages, then you know there's something more going on.

It would be interesting to know if both parties are initiating contact with each other and how frequently this occurs. If he is the only one reaching out, then...

Your husband is deep into emotional affair territory.

I would set boundaries with him and also discuss this with the other woman.

If he can't or won't step back, you've got your answer. Get your legal ducks in order.

Well done for the conversation, it's exactly what I wish I had done.
I will never know if a chat with my husband could have stopped the affair or helped bring the end of the marrage.

Did he let you see the exchanges?

Sorry OP but this has to stop.
He didn’t step away when you asked him to and it seems to have got worse, not less frequent. His minimising and pointing out what he’s not doing is just the narrative he is spinning to remove guilt. “It’s not like I’m/ It’s not like we’re…..” might justify his behaviour to him, but OK, let’s look at what he IS doing:
frequent daily plus evening texts of a very personal nature to a mutual friend of the opposite sex. Why? Why her? Why not other friends? Does he text you that often if you’re apart? Keep conversations with you going all day? Hope that you sleep well etc every night?
I should bloody well hope he wasn’t doing X Y or Z with this woman, absolutely, but I’m not keen on the A-W list if things he is actually doing, either.
He has to stop and you also can tell her why yourself if you have to, it’s completely inappropriate and absolutely how affairs start.