DH messaging mutual female friend everyday

[apricotflower]

Around 4 months ago I noticed that DH had become quite text chatty with a woman we’ve had a casual friendship with for around a year (she’s single).

They seemed pretty much just friendly, but there were a couple that said things like ‘sleep tight’ & ‘I hope you have a good sleep’. I expressed to him that it felt a bit much to me, and he said he could see where I was coming from and would respect my boundaries.

I’ve since discovered that he has been messaging her on a daily basis over the last month & a half. This is on top of him having regular conversations with her at the gym they both go to, and way more contact than her & I have. He’s pretty much reacting to every status she shares in their messages, or messaging to see how her day was - it seems like he is trying to ensure there is a constant connection.

There are some messages between them late at night, where she says she’s going to sleep now, and he still sends through another message…seemingly ready for her to respond to the next day & keep it going. He has also shared a personal family situation with her, but only told me about a male friend he’d shared this with.

He has a couple of old female friends that he does not speak to as much as this, and although the messages don’t seem flirty, i get the feeling that he’s in the early stages of building an emotional attachment.

Just looking for some advice as to whether I’m reading too much into this please?

I think the daily contact is just too much.

Would he have daily contact with his male friends?

I think your right to be upset by this.

Does he speak to other friends in the same tone
Does he speak to other friends on such a regular basis
Does he hide what's being said and the frequency

Tbh it's the start of an emotional attachment with her (sounds like it's already there). You've asked him to tone it down and he said he would, but if anything he's ramped it up. I'd sit down and have a conversation with him, he's behaving disrespectfully towards you and being inappropriate with another woman

I had a slightly similar situation. The reason I say slightly is because my partner was speaking to someone who was much older (almost old enough to be his mum) so he didn't see any harm in speaking to her frequently, sending overly sweet messages and kiss emojis etc. He said he wasn't slightly attracted to her (which I believed). Anyway I was still fuming because I wouldn't have been like that with a male friend, regardless of age or whether or not I found them attractive. Immediately after confronting him, he had a chat with the woman and said he only saw her as a friend, he had no intention of anything else and apologised if the messages came across as something else. He hasn't messaged her since tbh, but if he ever does it will never be like how it was as he understands now that he crossed a line although unintentionally. Your situation sounds quite different though, you told him to dial back on the messages before and it seems like he ignored that request. Up to you whether you give him one final chance. If I were you, I'd tell him that it's making you so uncomfortable that you're thinking about leaving. That should be a major wake up call. If he doesn't care or he's not willing to stop, then you have your answer.

I think you just have to confront this. You’ve already had a conversation with him about boundaries. This is how affairs start. You’ll know a lot by his reaction to you.

He is acting more like prospective boyfriend to this woman OP than a friendly acquaintance.
It’s not normal.
I think you need to react to both of them before it’s too late .
They have crossed a line

@MsDogLady exactly that. While some people poo poo the ideas of that book it is spot on. That window needs to be closed. It's sensible and actively working towards sustaining your relationship.

Yeah my ex h started messaging my best friend. They had an affair. This isn't really usual or ok is it? Long talk needed I think.

If he's not cheating already he is definitely trying to head it down that path

And she's not stopping it either.

I'd make it clear this is beyond what you will tolerate in a marriage.

It's absolutely fine to set boundaries.

Some of my closest friends are men and we text every day. I don’t fancy any of them.

But are you texting things like "sleep well" ?

Also, I have lost count of the number of "close friends who are men" who later at some point made it clear they fancied me all along....

He's lining her up and clearly has an emotional attachment. You have to think about someone daily, to want to message them daily. Sharing personal family stuff is bringing her into his inner circle.

The sleep references are intimate. We sleep in bed. They are a few steps away from getting into one together. Just need the opportunity as the intent is there.

I'd be much less passive than you are about this. They are hiding in plain sight. Apart from anything else this is a bit entitled and rude on the part of the OW. Do people get to treat you like that without you saying anything?

My ex had all sorts of mum friendships like this and they do eventually cross a line. Fine to be mutually friendly with a couple but men and women texting tenderly only leads to one thing in my opinion.

Have some boundaries and define what behaviour you expect from him to show respect for you and your marriage.

How are you seeing all these messages...does he show them to you, or are you snooping? I would be honest with him, tell him you are unhappy about his level of attachment to this woman as it gives the impression that he wants more. I would also let him know that it is a big enough issue for you that you would consider ending your marriage if he wants or is trying to have an affair.
See what he has to say.

I agree it's dodgy for the daily intimacy and both I and my DH have plenty of opposite sex friendships. I don't think they are innately problematic but this one is.

I think you are being too passive. You are watching an affair unfold.
Id be telling him to move out. Or I'd be telling her to let him know he is not welcome home. She can tell him on her next message!

I think it's too late to stop it, it's already in full swing, only thing missing is physical contact which will more than likely come.

The decision is now yours op, don't tell him what to do, tell him what you will do based on what he does.

Let people do what they want to do, to see what they would rather do.

I think I'd be tempted to wait until next time you're with them both, just breezily say 'soooo, these daily multiple messages... Including night night sleep tight... What's that about then eh!?

And then just wait. Their reaction should be pretty telling.

He's 100% crossed a line, especially with the good night messages. I don't even usually send things like that to my female friends!
I like the PP who said to ask lots of why questions and see how he answers them.

The 'why' questioning and this is great advice.

Sadly Op, in my experience, this will likely only end one way unless you manage to make him see sense before the affair starts. I'm so sorry. Hope I'm wrong.

How pathetic.
I don't think I would be willing to "get over" such behaviour, personally.

You are right.

There'll be people here shouting 'imagine if your husband told you you can't have male friends?!!!'

But this is all the signs of an emotional attachment, which can be more damaging than sex.

Tell him how you feel. Uncomfortable, and you don't like the tone and frequency of his communications with her. And that it's inappropriate to share personal details of your life with her.

Observe his expression, body language, and tone of voice as you discuss it. They may tell you more than his words.

Tell him you need this to change.

Is this woman very good looking OP?

Go out for a drink with her, act like she's a big mate.
Towards the end of the session, get on to the subject of relationships.
Confide that you and DH are in a good place now, having navigated his 'tricky genital warts issues'.

She'll soon cool off...

Does he message his male friends like that? Telling them to 'sleep tight' - FFS 😂

Let me guess -

This 'friend' is quite attractive, his type, or she's a bit younger than him, or perhaps all 3?

He's making a fucking fool of you OP.

No doubt you will be gaslit or made out to be a jealous monster if you protest. I wouldn't bank on him cutting contact with her either. He seems sufficiently attached at this point to start really daydreaming about her if he does that, if that isn't happening already.

For me, he would have already crossed the line with this. He has the right to be friends with whoever he wants, but you also have the right to be in a relationship that's right for you.

This genuinely made me laugh out loud. I'm saving this idea.. just in case.. lol

yes this is too much! I think it all comes down to how he acknowledges your feelings and changes his behaviour.

I have a two good male friends & we do text frequently sometimes daily (especially if work is stressful) but usually about career, jobs, or our kids (we have kids the same age!)

I realised recently that I was seeking attention or validation from one of my male friends. (There were no late night or good night texts though!)…But I spoke to DH when I realised and have decided to talk it through with a counsellor. And change my behaviour.

It wasn’t on purpose and I made myself feel quite nauseous.

Your DH needs to choose between changing his behaviour and School Mum.