New year's text message to another woman

[parker06]

My husband messaged another woman just after midnight new year's eve that he is proud of her. Already had some history with her, inappropriate things which ilhe told me he was over. Is telling someone there proud of them something a friend or more a lover does?

Really really encouraged by the advice on this thread So many posts I could agree/love/thank. Happy new year MN. Op please read and reread and GTFO and start your new year new life🫶🏻

@parker06 Sorry, just saw your reply about her age. Even weirder in a way then.
It's just not a phrase you'd use for someone unless you were heavily personally invested in their life. It's like what you'd say to a child or younger sibling who'd struggled academically and managed to achieve a first at Uni.
He's clearly way to close to her still.

These aren’t messages between colleagues or friends. They are far too intimate and she was the first person he thought about at NewYear.
I’m sorry OP but there is far more going on here and I think if you’re looking at his phone the second he goes to the loo in the pub, deep down you know why you are looking and what you are looking for. Sadly I think you found it.
He will no doubt minimise and lie and tell you it was work related or she’s just a friend, but she clearly isn’t and I think you know she isn’t.
Time to tell him what you can see in front of you and set firm boundaries now, or just leave. It sounds as if he wasn’t supposed to be in contact anyway outside of work and he clearly never stopped, despite your objections, so any previous boundaries have already been ignored.
Nothing will change if there are no consequences for this, if it ever changes at all. There’s no defending this, I’m afraid. I hope you come to the right decision for your own sake, nobody else’s. I understand why your dad said try again, it can be a generational thing, but you have and it has made no difference. Your dad can’t defend or overlook this and it’s not his life to live.
Time for an honest talk, boundaries to be enforced and decisions to be made. This time next year you will be so glad you did OP, nobody wants another year of fear and phone checking. It’s no way to live.

This is not ok

im so sorry but somethings going on and you should get prepared

I posted on one of your threads a long time ago. My only wish for you now is that he leaves you for this woman and you'll finally be free. This is no way to live. You're letting him trample all over your best years and robbing you of children.

Thank you Al so much. I've done it, he's out of the house and I feel free. I know things will be hard, I've wasted the last few years but you all made me feel strong enough to send him packing. Thank you all for your advice, you are all amazing, what a lovely helpful group of people you are

Well done OP! Now hold your head up high and go a grab the life you deserve! Xx

This is going to be your year, it may not be easy at time but you've got this girl. Lots of people on here to support you. You deserve the best life now go grab it you hero

Well done. It might be hard and it might feel shit, but you'll never feel as shit as you felt when you saw that message. I don't know you, but I'm bloody proud of you.

Agree with @SugarPlumpFairyCakes
your father is a disgrace in this too .
No wonder you accept this disrespectful behaviour from your husband if that’s the example you’ve been given .

I am divorced and did lose some friends / acquaintances through it .. nothing nasty and they are perfectly pleasant when I see them by chance it’s just one of those things and no offence to them but it’s no real loss .
Life is a journey and you move on .

Good luck Delighted to read your update .

Wishing you all the best .

@parker06, I’ve read your 2022 thread and participated in those from 2023 & 2024.

You’ve made a courageous, life-affirming decision to shed this faithless man and his destructive choices that have ravaged your life for at least 3 years.

He has been a horror. He actually broke up with you (by text) for some months in 2022. He and OW kissed, held hands, declared wanting to be together, exchanged gifts, and would see each other at work, nights out, and the gym. He eventually left that job but refused to quit their mutual gym. Although he was supposed to be NC with OW, you discovered that they were still messaging, and he was encouraging her to come work at his new job. Now he has embraced her with that intimate NYE message. His infidelity and disloyalty continue.

@parker06, please do not allow yourself to be manipulated if he attempts to hoover you back in. In weak and daunting moments, stick to your guns. Know that you will gain strength as you move through the grieving process. Lean on supportive loved ones and consider accessing IC for clarity. Keep your eye on the prize — you are forging your own path toward a new life and peace of mind.

Well done op! Wishing you all the best x

Good for you OP, wishing you happiness and all the best for your new chapter! So many people stay with partners because its easier to do so, even when it's clear they deserve better.

This is fantastic news @parker06 I am so pleased you're finally rid of this dead weight.

Now write yourself a list of all the amazing things you'll do this year and start to work through it. Refind your confidence and belief in yourself!

You really have made the best move and your future self will thank you.

I’m so sorry op 💐

I haven’t read your other threads but it seems like he has led you a merry dance. What an absolute shit he is. So disrespectful.

Well done for getting rid.

You don’t need to consider others now. You don’t need your father’s permission.

From now on you can put yourself first as that is what you deserve.

I can imagine how reluctant you are to split. You'd be walking away from all the social acceptability of being in a married 'unit', with the economic advantage and stability. Total empathy for you @parker06 - it isn't something you can just do without a lot of thought and angonising about whether you're doing the right thing.

Your self-esteem must be shot to pieces, but please remember you're worth a million of them, and you don't deserve this treatment.

begs the question, why isn't he initiating the split if he's been hanging around her for some time, why does he stay in the marriage if he's loves her and not you.

To put it crudely he needs to shit or get off the pot, he's a spineless coward.

so sorry this is rearing its ugly head yet again 😢

Good update, @parker06 but please be prepared for him to crawl back with his tail between his legs if it all goes badly wrong.

he's shown you who he is and you've now found the courage to rid yourself of him. He won't ever change, so don't ever be fooled if he swears he has in the future.

onwards and upwards in your new life which you can build on your own terms. Nothing is as valuable as emotional freedom.

I’m glad you’ve reached a decision that you are happy with. It’s a brave one and a tough one, but a decision that eventually will serve you very well.
Give yourself time to grieve what you’ve lost, it’s a big adjustment and change in your life and you need to be kind to yourself. On the days you miss him (you very probably will, you can’t just switch these things off) remember why you did this and remember who he really is, not who you wish he was.
Wishing you all the best for the future and you will always be glad that you chose to put yourself first and chose to fight for your own integrity and mental health. Best wishes for a bright future!

Well done @parker06 you deserve better.

@Elasticatedtrousers did you get any dc or meet someone nice?

Well done! You deserve so much better than him. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. You won't regret it.

Yes, thankfully I did. I read some of the stories on here and realise I was so SO lucky to have my epiphany around rubbish/time wasting men when I did (mid thirties). My journey to being a mum wasn't an easy one and took a good few years and medical help (and a lot of heartache on the way) as my age did not help BUT I am out the other side, loving motherhood and passionate about younger women not wasting their years on this thinking you're 'in love', so you'll put your own life on hold for the time waster you've met.

IMHO love is a verb, it is an action and once you love someone healthily and you're loved in return you know it. And one of those actions is not holding onto you until something better comes along as many of these men do.

@Elasticatedtrousers that's wonderful so happy for you ❤️

If she doesn't get left first.

And if she wants kids, this is just wasting time. Time is important when fertility is an issue. Most people I know wish they'd started sooner (and you have to meet a partner and get to know them long enough to have a reasonable idea that they're not shot in some way).

Oh sorry I see the op has updated the thread.

All your wise words have really helped me through the years. I don't know you but you are one of the reasons I'm in a better place so thank you