New year's text message to another woman

[parker06]

My husband messaged another woman just after midnight new year's eve that he is proud of her. Already had some history with her, inappropriate things which ilhe told me he was over. Is telling someone there proud of them something a friend or more a lover does?

FFS. Something a bit histrionic about that.

This is way too intimate, he has not cut ties with her. At the very least there is a strong emotional bond, why else would he be thinking about her in nye

It sounds quite patronising and creepy. I certainly wouldn't want a married man texting me that. It sounds almost like what a parent would say to a child. Is she a lot younger? Either way it's grim.

You can stay with him for any reason you choose, or leave him. Its entirely your choice. Clearly you can't control his feelings for and behaviour towards this other woman, but there are things you can control. And if it suits you to remain in this situation for lifestyle reasons, why not? Youve done nothing wrong, so why should you lose the advantages of the marriage? The main thing is, you know the score now. You know what he's doing so can make an informed choice about how much of yourself you want to continue to invest in him. Nothing to stop you from staying put for the material and social benefits while keeping your emotional distance and working on building your own life, then leaving if and when you see fit.

She's about two years older than him I think

Focus on that last sentence.

That’s the top and bottom of it.

Thank you, that's really helpful to think about

Oh no that’s really gushing and overheated. Fuck that shit, OP perhaps you could see 2025 as your new start. You’re worth more than this.

I wouldn't bother having him in my life.
No children?
Off he fucks, with his "work wife".
🤢
Wtf does this even come from?

Do it for you, not for your father (who should keep his opinions to himself). As for your friends it's not your problem if their relationships are that fragile.

Stop making excuses. I know it's not easy but you need to look after yourself.

What does this even mean?
Surely no one who cares about you would want you to be unhappy. Your real friends would not be encouraging you to stay with someone who disrespects you to this extent, and as for you father telling you to "try" , wtf is that about? You say you "mentioned it" to your father; were you actually clear about what was happening? That your husband is having a longterm affair with a colleague?
I don't know what you mean by "social standing". Again ,who are you mixing with that would expect you to stay with a cheater?
None of the things you have mentioned are reasons to keep you in this sham of a marriage. Put your own self-respect first. You don't need any proof, you know this man is cheating on you, you've already said that he doesn't love you, and it doesn't sound as if he is very loveable either!

Please don't live your life to please others .
Your parents
Your friends (shared friends).
They don't have to live with the consequences of the work wife crap and the disrespect and sneaky behaviour of your husband but you do.
Life doesn't have to be like this get out of this relationship and find happiness for yourself.
Make 2025 about you.

They are involved. Come on, OP, smell the coffee. His instinct at New Year was to message her and vice versa. You deserve so much more than that. Don't ask other people that you know whether you should stay with him. They have their own interests in mind.

I've read your past posts over the last three years.

Is this the same woman that caused the split in 2022? Or has he crossed boundaries into emotional affair (so he claims he’s most likely lying) territory with different women?

Just take a look yourself at your posting. He has been walking all over you for three years now leaving you feeling anxious and unsafe.

He's just nasty, an unsafe partner and nothing worth holding onto.

Make 2025 the year you finally put this idiot in the rear view mirror before you waste your chance for a future you deserve!!!!

Is it code for saying I love you that's easier to explain away if you see messages? Seems a bit careless to leave his phone lying around though..

I'm sorry that your father said you should try to put up with a dead marriage. He should have been looking out for you.

I agree with @Rowen32 . Plausible deniability. 'i was saying how proud I was of Maureen's improved surgical/accounting/ administrative skills and work ethic. I.e. 'it's work related, I swear' whilst gushing in a rather star crossed way. It's annoying to me as it gives the impression he thinks he's being clever and dodging any blame.

Look, if this man was genuine and serious about repairing his mistakes, his interactions with this woman, if any, would be dry as dust, civil, essential work guff that you probably wouldn't hear about. He would probably look for another job (I appreciate this isn't always easy). The most fulsome message would be a 'thank you Maureen', a 'kind regards' or maybe a 'happy new year to you too'. None of this incontinent rubbish.

I'd be straight out the door, OP. You deserve so much better, truly.

Honestly if you've got no children, you should kick his sorry arse to the kerb.

I would say the same if you did have DCs but it's way more complicated to LTB when you have DCs and doesn't necessarily guarantee a better or easier life. I say this as a single parent now who was married for more than a decade.

Honestly I promise you, your life will be a million times better without him.

It's the same woman, things just progressed. With social standing I just meant how people will look at me as a pathetic woman who's been cheated on, and I'm sure my friends wouldn't try to convince me to stay but some were his friends first so I will lose people. I know I've tried for three years and I know I'm ridiculous I guess it's just hard to fall out of love, I think I love who he used to be and all those hopes and dreams. I think this is the year I get my divorce and he can move on with her

Make today the last day you allow this to continue. He’s making do with you do not accept this.

@parker06 sweetheart as someone who wasted my thirties on stupid men who didn't love me enough and then had fertility issues when I finally met someone worthy of me, I am BEGGING you to get out.

Love is not enough. It just isn't. I promise you that. Love is a verb it's action based and he does not love you, you know that from everything he is putting you through. And the love you feel for him is pointless if unreciprocated.

He is unsafe for you and will continue to be unsafe. I have many friends in their early/mid thirties and all have been cheated on, it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's something to grow from recognise red flags and find someone SAFE.

Please PLEASE don't waste any more of your precious life on this man, he really isn't worth it!

Thank you so much, those are very wise words. I know I won't really be alone in all this but I have felt alone for so long now

@parker06 I know you looked at his phone but, did the message from her pop up as well, so that you could say to him “I saw so and so’s message that she’s proud of you too pop up on your screen. What’s that all about - what did you say to her and why?”

Did you notice the date of any previous message to ascertain if they are regularly in touch?

From everything else you’ve posted, I think you need to get out, but I’d still want to put the creep on the spot.

However, I appreciate you may want to just get ready to get yourself out of the relationship so may not want to discuss it with him.

Please don’t think anyone will think you’re pathetic. Nobody worth knowing will think that. I don’t even know you and I wouldn’t think that?

Ask yourself, honestly, are those the words of someone who is not romantically linked to the person they're sending the message to? Because I think you know the answer, but of course it's a very difficult thing to accept, I get that.

It sounds like he has intense feelings for her (and she for him) and clearly doesn't care very much that he is hurting you - his wife.

What's the best outcome here? That you tell him you saw the message and he promises to stop? Because you've been down that road already it seems and clearly it didn't stop.

I completely get the fear of splitting up - the impact it will have on your finances (do remember that the starting point in a financial settlement is 50/50), friendship group etc. but you would be sacrificing your happiness (or opportunity to find happiness again) by staying with him. Just think of all the opportunities you are missing out on by staying with him, whether that be meeting a partner who isn't going to cheat on you, finding happiness and contentment being single, taking up opportunities which would not have been comparable with your marriage (friendships, career opportunities etc.). There is a whole world outside of your marriage just waiting for you.